Welcome to Vice City

Grand Theft Auto is rated M for Mature. Expect me to swear, but expect me to feel bad about it, too.

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"Welcome back to VCPR's coverage of the Trial of Tommy Vwrxetti. And I said welcome back because you worthless poor people didn't pay your dues."

"That's right, Marlene. They didn't send us enough money, so we couldn't cover any witness testimony. You all missed Ken Rosenberg faking three heart attacks and Alex Suxxx extolling his fond memories of being breastfed by his nanny, Martha."

"My mother tried to come back into my life, but I was having none of it. I told her to take her liberal ass to a left wing shithole like Arizona or Georgia. Florida retirees are for people who've never left this state, whore!"

"I'm very proud of you, Marlene! Unlike the people at home. They'll never see how an international cartel drugged and kidnapped the entire audience or a return of gang warfare between the Cubans and Haitians. And the heartfelt love between a fat man and his car will forever be lost on you."

"It was weird and uncomfortable, uncle Jonathan, but I was mesmerized. And I think we both grew from it and have become better people through this."

"Fortunately, the last month of payments, while late and pitiful..."

"Just like the listeners at home."

"...are enough to let us experience Tommy Vercetti's side of the story."

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"Mr. Vercetti, we've heard rumors about your adventures in the city over the last few days. Unfortunately, we've also learned about your lawyer's interest in giraffe furries and his sponsorship with Rusty Brown's Ring Donuts. Rather than let the idiots run wild more, give us your take on all these claims. Plaintiff, begin your examination, but don't make me regret it."

"Mr. Vercetti, where were you before coming to Vice City, and when and why did you come down here."

"I spent fifteen years in prison in Liberty City. I was found guilty of self defense when I was attacked by a rival group in Harwood. Once I got out, my organization sent me here to expand the family business. I didn't even see my previous employer before I landed here in 1986."

"Explain your first week in the city. Why did this family send you here, where did you stay, and what did you do?"

"The Forelli Family sent me here to sell drugs. The statute of limitations has long passed on that, so do what you will with that information. My first handoff went as well as my last mission in Liberty went. My allies, Harry and Lee, were ambushed. They both died, as did the buyer. I'd later come to learn this was a pivotal moment that connected me to several people you'll come to know about."

"Would you go deeper into detail about those connections?"

"No. I managed to escape the gunfire and jump into the car of my middleman, Ken Rosenberg. Yes, my current lawyer's father. Ken was a man with intense anxiety and drug habits. He drove us back to his office, and I started to settle down after heading to my hotel on Ocean Beach. I'm a man of buisness and like to get to the point when I take action. I would have returned to the scene, but Hurricane Hermoine blocked the roads.

"I called my employer, Sonny, with the bad news, and he reacted as you'd expect for the biggest mobster in Liberty City. I promised he'd get his money and merchandise back, and I did. He didn't accept it, but we'll get to that later. In the morning, I went back to Ken's. I wanted as much information about Vice City as I could get, and he told me about a party. Despite being attended by the biggest names in town, Ken had an invite. The event caused him to develop accurate agoraphobia, so I went in his place. Mr. Cortez, rest his soul, introduced me to your mom and her boyfriend, Congressman Alex Shrub."

"What were they like?"

Your Honor, relevancy?

" Correct, Mr. Rosenberg. Your bastard birth has no bearing on the court case, Mr. Suxxx. Please continue, Mr. Vercetti."

"I also saw a few other bit players, but one Ricardo Dias is the only one worth talking about now. I let myself get carried away and couldn't speak to him because Senior Cortez' daughter, Mercedes, took me elsewhere. She wanted me to take her to work. When I went back to Ken's, we had a lead on someone who could have been responsible. It was a chef working in one of the hotels near the beach. I have no idea what Ken was thinking, but it led me to meet my future right hand man. And also a cell phone. More importantly, Mr. Teal was a hitman, so that's a villain I took off the streets for this great city."

"How did you attain the cellphone?"

"I found it on the ground. After this, I decided to set up shop. With the knowledge of who's who in Vice City, I decided to start getting a base down. I got some guns and money in my pocket. I figured out the roads and seedy offshoots of the east island. And then I saved Sonny's cousin from jail, but guess how important that was to him?"

"How did you do that?"

"With a guile tongue that could make your mother sweat."

"Excuse me! Your Honor."

"Your mother was a porn star, Alex. How have you not grown a tough skin yet? Mr. Vercetti, keep talking about the relevant details, but we're also going to break for lunch now."

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I went searching for hidden packages. I got thirty eight of the forty two I could. I need to play more to get the rest, which I'll do...tomorrow!