I've been very negative lately about the last several games I've played. I'm a pessimistic person, so this is to be suspected, but I still don't like it. Rather than risk not having fun with Front Mission 3, I'm gonna do something strange. I won't be playing an RPG. Wild! I also won't be writing a typical blog or a change-of-pace diary. Instead, I'm gonna write a play! It's a courtroom drama that takes place forty years after the events of the game. It's something totally novel, and I could use the break. So what game am I turning into a Law & Order episode? Grand Theft Auto: Vice City! My friend and I put a million hours into this game when it first came out, and I even bought my own copy (I think) to make sure we could play it and not share it with his dad. It's one of the few non EPGs in my top twenty, so I have to write about it somehow. So let's do this strange new adventure! Here's a preview, but don't expect anything until this weekend!
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"The Trial of the Century: The Takedown of Vice City's Scarface, Tommy Vercetti"
"For the last forty years, Vice City has been ruled from the shadows by one man, Thomas Vercetti. Allegedly, of course. But he's finally been caught, even if on a technicality, and he's expected to face prison time for all of his terrorist actions, crimes against humanity, and shooting a gun at the moon. It's October 29th, 2023, and the trial that everyone's been waiting for has finally begun. Will Mr. Vercetti walk free? Will the open secret of his actions be made official? Will this nostalgia save Sissy Spritz' stock? All this can be heard, live and exclusively, on VCPR!"
"Vice City will be thrilled that we're paying out the big bucks for exclusive access to these courtroom hearings, Marlene."
"They sure will, uncle Johnathan! But we can't do this alone. We need the help of viewers at home, or else this hearing can drop at any time. And if that happens, Tommy Vercetti will walk free."
"Or he might go to jail for the rest of his life!"
"Who knows what can happen!? So if you care about justice, send us your money."
"If you want to be a part of history and not just a shadow aside it, send us a check!"
"If you care about the therapy I've needed to endure because my mom ran off to a hippie commune with her fifth husband and disappeared, then offer us the random crypto coins you have around your house!"
"That's right, Marlene. Now, as a preview of what's to come, here are the courtroom officials who'll decide this story."
"Is this legal?"
"Nope! But guess who pays us!?"
Judge: Lucia Belle
Defendant: Ken Rosenberg II
Plaintiff: Alex Suxxx II
Bailiff: Robert E. Cassidy
Clerk: Bentley Hernandez
Stenographer: Ric Beaufort
Jurors:
Claude Speed
Bubba Jones
Kivlov Bellic
Travis Caine
Troy Casey
Divine Morash
Katy Henry
Mikki Vilans
Ulrika Kasen
Caligari Johnson
Sid Vacant
Gretchen Lopez
"On behalf of Jonathan Freeloader, I'm Marlene Chavez with Vice City Public Radio. The trial of the Century, or at least this generation, begins right now!"
"All rise for the honorable Lucia Belle! ... You may be seated."
"I'm not one to dally, so let's get on with this trial. We'll begin with the opening remarks by both parties. Plaintiff, I'll allow you to go first."
"Folks, my name is Alex Suxxx the Second, and I represent every single citizen, tourist, and vehicle in the great city of Vice City. Since the mid 1980s, one man has had a stranglehold on this great town, and everyone has suffered because of him. Property damage has skyrocketed. Murder rates are at an all time high. And the prices of ammunition have grown out of reach for the common rabble. And all of this is the fault of one man: Tommy Vercetti! His rampages, drug smuggling, and buying up all the businesses to keep honest people like myself from starting a life have ruined VC's reputation. Do you think I wanted to be a lawyer? No! I wanted to build a titty bar filled with women so large they're likely to suffocate me just by walking by me, but my opponent kept bankrupting me by offering a better business with more reasonable prices! It's not fair, Your Honor! It's not!"
"Calm down, Mr. Suxxx. Are you done, or do the tears mean something else?"
"Uh...no, ma'am. I'm done."
"May the defendant's representative come to the bench now?"
"Tommy Vercetti is an innocent man. In fact, I counter all of those claims made by the son of a porn star are false. Since Mr. Vercetti came to Vice City, violent crime has gone down, hijackings have plummeted, and there are fewer tiki statues filled with cocaine in town than before. And not just here but in Liberty City, as well. He's cleaned up two towns! Business is booming, life satisfaction is up, and gang activity is almost nonexistent on the east island. I ask the jury this: you all know about Mr. Vercetti. He's a good man who's helped so many people to better their lives. Maybe even some of you. Do you really think my client is capable of that? Tommy Vercetti is a kind man, a generous man, a civic-minded man, but he does not appreciate being called a killer, Suxxx."
"Plaintiff, bring out your first claim."
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