Writing: Then, now, forever?

(Still without a TV, still cannot edit anything)

I've always fancied myself a writer. What I've written has changed a lot over the decades, but I've always enjoyed it. Sometimes, that's good. Other times, though, it fills me with regret.

When I was a kid, I took to learning my ABCs very well. I doubt I was a progeny of anything, but I was the best counter in my kindergarten class. Well, I tied, actually, with a girl named Erin. I got 109 M&M's that day. In fourths grade, I tied for second in a Geography Bee. I tied with a girl named Mandy, and we both lost to Erin. She probably was a progeny. I'll always hold a grudge against Venice for not coming to my mind until I blurted out Italy, thinking the whole country used canals as transport. Erin sat next to me during the Bee and knew instantly. As did I. But what does this have to do with writing? I dunno… I think I went off on a tangent. I used to be smart, I think, is the point I'm aiming for. I think...

In third grade, I won a Young Author's Award. I wrote a piece called The Special Egg. I have no idea what it was about, but I got to miss school one day to listen to an actual writer give a Q&A with kids from the area. More importantly, I had lunch with my dad at the rebuild Taco Bell. Her name was Deborah Chocolate, and I've never read anything she's written.

Afterwards, I kinda didn't like writing. I don't think that award triggered anything in me, but when teachers gave us assignments similar to it, I locked up. I couldn't think of anything to jot down. I would always turn them in late because of writer's block. But I don't think it was that. I think it was just fear. I was able to BS my way through book reports, research projects, and critical thinking essays, but actual creative writing killed me. I have no idea why! I wanted it to be good, but I felt it sucked, so I always erased it out of fear of being made fun of.

This problem persisted until high school. But that had a lot to do with a change in style. I don't remember needing to do anything long form, but poetry was a common assignment. That was kinda hit or miss. But I joined a band sophomores year! Despite being five (then four, then three, then two) of us, I was the only one who wanted to write lyrics. I had started my foray into songs a little earlier, planning for just such an event. They started off pretty terrible, as you'd expect. I like o think they got better with time, but man alive, were they hot garbage in 2005. Maybe one day, I'll share my magnum opus about two mythological women destroying the world until an old dude activates the Eternal Return. Many of the topics were how I thought I could be a leader of men with my music. A modern day Kurt Cobain type of guy, or someone who could bring about a musical, cultural revolution akin to the Beatles or Sister Rosetta Tharpe. Also, very counter culture-ish. Why did I think that? Even then, I didn't think much of myself. A psychologist would probably tell me I was overcompensating for my low self esteem.

I kept writing when the band broke up (for the fifth time) but started calling them poetry after high school. I guess I had wanted to shed my edge and get in touch with my emotions. I like to think these were passable. I tried to write about a lot of different things; art, hallucinations, video game locations, why my left hand is colder than my right, but I mainly focused on two things: suicide and unrequited love. Unrequited love was a waste. The girl didn't even exist and was totally fabricated by my broken mind. But that's for another day when I want to talk about the day I (deservingly so) got my metaphorical butt kicked. Love poems aren't good, to begin with, so imagine how creepy these were.

The other topic is depression and suicide. I was not in a good place when I graduated high school. I'm still not, but who cares at this point? I was quite prevalent during those two years before college. There was something so therapeutic about writing. Typing away about how I wanted to kill myself made me happy. Go figure… Even when I made a suicide pact with myself, each line upon line and finished poem led me closer to my jumping off a bridge, but it also made me functional for a few days. It also spurred me to go to college. I've forgotten why that pact led me to further my education, though. I learned I had a knack for Italian Sonnets during this time, but why did it give me a hatred for Elizabethan Sonnets?

In college, I started with the same topics, but I switched to some ecclesiastical poems. I got baptized in The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints (Mormons) in 2011. I tried to be thankful and write to my Heavenly Father a bit more often than I ever thought I would, which is zero. I came so far from pretending I was in SLAYER in high school. I also wrote about my doubts. Some of them were pretty good. I'm proud of a few of them.

But that leads us to now. I haven't written anything in years. I tried to write a few video games inspired lyrics, but I didn't finish them. I don't even remember the last time I started writing. I think I might've wanted to give it another go during the pandemic, but I didn't find any eureka moments to get me jump started.

Of all the things I miss about my youth, it's that I don't write anymore. I haven't touched a guitar in years, and the calluses on my fingers are gone. I was never very good at music, but it was a fun, creative outlet.

Nowadays, all I have is this blog. It fills a need, sure, but I miss writing poetry. I want it back, but I don't know if it's possible. You can't just force your way to do it like you can a job or something. I wonder if my lack of modern doing means I was never good at it? I really wish this game was going forward. That's a fun, creative expression, but it isn't poetic.

Like all of my philosophic ramblings, I can't answer anything. I don't know how to end this, and I wish I had a piece of good, final advice here. I don't, so good night.