Best 2022 Albums

Between playing Pokémon this week, I've been catching up on albums I missed. I probably shouldn't have because HeartGold slaps (when it doesn't lag because my computer is ancient). Because I'm self important, here's my top whatever of 2022 in music. 

Honorable Mention - Zeal and Ardor: Self Titled.

I'm not super into the full fledged black metal songs on the album, but I'm enchanted by the mix of Black Spirituals and black metals. It's about as avant-guard as I'm gonna get, but this stuff is wild to me. 

5.) The Cult: Under the Midnight Sun.

It took a while for me to come around on this one, but Give Me Mercy is amazing. It's a return to classic/gothic Cult, which I'm not huge on, but even in a genre I don't like, The Cult is better than most. 

4.) Ghost: Impera. 

It's Ghost, a band that's quickly becoming a staple of the genre. Every publication has been saying this is album of the year, so [insert what they said]. 

3.) Taylor Swift: midnights. 

I'm just gonna let this hang here...

2.) Clutch: Sunrise on Slaughter Beach. 

Clutch is the greatest band in the history of the western hemisphere and probably most of the northern as well. PURE ROCK FURY!!!

1.) Machine Head: Øf Kingdøm and Crøwn. 

Machine Head has been a driving force of my musical interests since 2004. While I liked their previous album, it left me a bit "ughy." But the album with excessive Øs ends that feeling. Driving heavy melodies, shredding guitar solos, other musical terms I don't know. It's better than the Attack on Titan it's based on. 

The Life and Times of Tommy Vercetti

After several months of hating the games I'd been playing, I needed something comforting to make me happy again. It's a breath of fresh air that isn't actually fresh. But it still is rewarding and something I'm used to. I played hundreds of hours of Grand Theft Auto: Vice City on my Playstation 2 when it first came out. I'm probably over 100 hours on Steam since I bought it again six or so years ago. It holds up, and I loved it. I see no point in writing a 2000 word essay about a twenty-year-old game that doesn't fit my usual assortment, so let's get to the review. It feels RPG enough, so I can stick to my boilerplate!

Story: Perfect. There are a few twists and turns that make the characters feel alive and interesting. Could they have done more? Of course, but it's an open world game from 2001. Hardware was still limited, and VC was a bit of a precursor. Besides, it's a gangster movie rip off before anything else. Backstory, interesting villains, motivations: it's all here. 10/10

Gameplay: Perfect. The core mechanics of the game are shooting and blowing stuff up. It's here in abundance and in several ways. If you love driving through a world, listening to songs from the 80, you can. You also have the option to take a tank or attack helicopter and slaughter the civilians, cops, and army until they take you down. I love doing both. And thanks to the new property stuff and the missions therein, it's worthwhile to enjoy the story. It's a massive expansion from previous GTA games. 10/10

Art: Perfect. There are a lot of duplicate sprites for civilians and men in uniform, but there are plenty of unique people throughout. And it's not like there are only three of four randoms anyway. There's still a wide assortment of nameless randos. Things rarely get washed out, animations work, and the visual appeal holds up. Not to poo-poo on the "Definitive Edition," but the Steam port of the game looks better than the version released in 2021. It looks better than the PS2 too. 10/10

Sound: Perfect. It's a bit cheaty because most of the music is licensed, but I'm adding a new category just for Vice City: voice acting. It's not something I've touched on much, but everyone in fake Miami sounds amazing! I can recall their voice and a few lines to get a good grasp on their personality just by thinking about how they'd say something. Ray Liotta, the voice of Tommy Vercetti, gets a lot of credit, but whoever spoke for Cortez, Vance, and Love Fist need more recognition (which I'm not giving them because I'm not Googleing their names). Also, the radio station DJs and ads fit perfectly! 10/10

Charm: Perfect. There's something about looking up and seeing airplanes flying in the sky that fills me with a strange sense of joy. I have no idea why. I also enjoy seeing the occasional bird, but I wish they'd be more. Compared to GTAIII and San Andreas, VC feels so tiny, though. The other two games feel emptier, though, so the compactness of the Miami evens out. 10/10

Negatives: Nothing worth mentioning. It's annoying how easily Tommy falls off of motorcycles, sometimes, but Rockstar was still sorting that out, I guess.

So there you have it. Grand Theft Auto: Vice City is the first official 50/50, 100 percent game I've ever played. I've also ranked Assassin's Creed Brotherhood as a 50/50, but I haven't written about it, so it's not official. But I believe VC deserves this honor. It was a blast to play on release, and it holds up twenty years later. There's so much stuff to do, even have you've beaten and completed it. I'm planning to keep playing it even though I'm done. There are still titles to earn, news coverage to gain, and money to make. And if I fight off the army again, well, that's just innocent fun. I won this place, after all!

And I shot. I shot all night and day.

And I got away. 

-----

"Mr. Vercetti, let's hear the final days of this tale, as you called it."

"Now, obviously, I've been in charge of Vice City since 1986, so it's not the end of my tale. Just the Forelli chapter."

"It started when I wanted to relive my youth. My dad once owned a printing company in Liberty City. I always thought I'd follow in his footsteps, but I took a different route instead. I bought the printers in Havana and met the guy in charge there, Ernest Kelly. Honestly, I was thinking about making a newspaper or a magazine. Something legit. But Mr. Kelly informed me we could run a counterfeiting ring from here. All we had to do was take down the current syndicate in Florida.

After acquiring some information about a meeting, I stormed the place to get the plates. It's ironic, in a way. I ambushed a group of women with high powered shotguns in the same place I was ambushed. It went well, but it was the beginning of the end."

"Were the counterfeiters..."

"Shut up. I'm talking, so just keep your mouth shut until I'm done! We're at the end, and the people want to hear it!"

"..."

"Shortly after beginning the counterfeit process, which I left Lance Vance in charge of, I got a call from Sonny. He was his typical self. A few days later, Ken called me with bad news. The Print Works was attacked. I assumed it was Haitian/Cuban shit, but I was wrong. The Forellis sent some goons to take their cut of my stuff. Assholes never gave me a chance and didn't even give me money. I built this all on my own with my hands and engineering. I worked odd jobs, some straight, to keep my nose clean and create this empire. I even brought friends along with me. Vice City is a better place with me here! But Sonny, the prick, thought he was owed. So I appeased him. I gave him three million of the fake money. And it would have worked! 

That asshole, Lance... he betrayed me. He ratted out that the money was fake and joined Sonny. He sold out this entire thing! He couldn't have made this. Only I could have! He had his whole life to make something of himself, but I did it in three months! Three months! I knew Sonny would know the truth, but I also knew it would piss him off. And this left me with one thing to do. Shoot. 

So I started blasting. With my ever present .357 revolver, I took out all the thugs I once called family. I lost count during the cleanup, but it must have been about fifty at least. Lance got me to chase him to the roof. Despite being flanked with five Forellis, I put seven rounds into him. He almost got me, so I trained him well. 

Next up was Sonny. He was less exciting. I stopped a prick taking my money before blind firing into a whole group. It didn't take seven, but the downfall of the Forellis began at my hand. One empire dies as another rises! I hear they disbanded a few years later. So not only did I clean up Vice City but Liberty too. 

When the dust settled, Ken and I walked out onto our terrace and overlooked our new empire. I probably should have cut down those privacy trees for a better view, but oh well, yeah. Hahaha."

"And that's how you grew from the Harwood Butcher to Vice City Scarface?"

"And I only had to kill my best friend, brother, and the man who sold me out to do it."

"And the next thirty years you spent..."

"Making money. I bought a few more properties. VCPR, the Fairgrounds, and a few dive bars."

"What for."

"To carry on my legacy and to remember those who helped me along the way. Word got out pretty fast about what happened. The Colonel was worried about Mercedes becoming a lawyer, and I assured him she'd be fine. I owed her a favor, so I took care of her. Steve, my pornographer, became a big star. He's on the Vinewood Walk of Fame if you can believe it. I had to send Ken to rehab in San Andreas. I hear it went well, and he helped rebuild Love Fist. I probably shouldn't have abandoned him, so I'm employing his kid instead of Delayo and Furax!"

*laughter rings through the courtroom*

"Ken, I am sorry."

"He's doing well in retirement."

"Tell him to visit soon. Your Honor, that's the story of my first one hundred days in Vice City. I've said all that needs to be said."

"In that case, I'll allow the jury to deliberate on all the information Thomas Vercetti has given over the last few days. I'll remind him that Mr. Vercetti has admitted or is heavily linked to the following crimes:

[the murder of seventeen people]

[various killings of over 2000 people]

• The murder of eleven mob hired hitmen who tried to kill him.
• The attempted purchase of illegal drugs from the Vance Brothers.
• The murder of Leo Teal and theft of his phone.
• The vandalism of two jurors' cars.
• The instigation of a riot and destruction of three delivery trucks.
• The murder of a property developer.
• The bombing of a construction site and murder of several construction workers.
• The murder of Gonzales.
• The murder of Pierre La Ponce and theft of French military guidance chips.
• The shootout against Haitian gang members during a drug deal.
• The shootout against the Streetwannabes on Prawn Island.
• The shootout against several guards at the Viceport Boatyard and the theft of a speedboat.
• The retrieval of a package of illegal drugs and the shootout against rival drug dealers.
• The murder of a Haitian warlord.
• The carjacking of an army tank.
• The shootout against Ricardo Diaz's men at the Vice City Junkyard.
• The murder of Ricardo Diaz and the shootout against Diaz's gang on Starfish Island.
• The shootout against the French secret service aboard Juan Cortez's yacht.
• The vandalism and extortion of several shops at the North Point Mall.
• The extortion of the Front Page Cafe and the shootout against DBP Security.
• The bombing of a shop and the shootout against the VCPD.
• The shootout against Haitian gang members and the theft of a van.
• The shootout against the Haitians and Streetwannabes and theft of their drugs and money.
• The retrieval of several packages of illegal drugs and the shootout against the VCPD in Little Haiti.
• The bombing of several Cuban boats.
• The murder of several Cuban gang members using a sniper rifle.
• The bombing of a drug factory and the shootout against Haitian gang members in Little Haiti.
• The murder of a drug dealer who robbed him.
• The attempted murder of Love Fist's obsessed stalker.
• Participating in an illegal bike race.
• Wreaking havoc in Downtown Vice City.
• The shootout against the Streetwannabes in Downtown Vice City.
• The murder of Carl Pearson.
• The murder of Mrs. Dawson.
• The murders of Mike Griffin, Dick Tanner, Franco Carter, Marcus Hammond, Nick Kong, and Charlie Dilson.
• The murder of a businessman and theft of his briefcase.
• The shootout against the Streetwannabes and the FBI in Little Havana and the theft of their merchandise.
• The running of a smuggling ring.
• The running of a drug-dealing ring.
• The theft of twenty four cars for the Sunshine Autos Import Garage.
• The murder of Candy Suxxx' agent and his guards.
• Dropping advertising fliers without authorization.
• The blackmailing of Alex Shrub and the shootout against the FBI.
• Arranging a major publicity stunt without authorization.
• The vandalism of a cab and assault of its driver.
• The destruction of three cabs.
• The murder of a cab driver.
• The shootout against several guards at the Vice City docks.
• The shootout against the Counterfit Syndicate and theft of their counterfeit plates.
• The prison break of Cam Jones and shootout against the VCPD.
• Partaking in an illegal street race.
• The robbery of the El Banco Corrupto Grande bank and shootout against the VCPD.
• The shootout against several gun-runners and theft of their weapons.
• The shootout against members of the Forelli Crime Family attacking his businesses.
• The shootout against the Forelli Crime Family in his estate and the murders of Lance Vance and Sonny Forelli.
• Untold numbers of carjacking.
• Fifteen counts of armed robbery."

---

After twenty five hours, the jury made their decision. On all but one account, they found Thomas Vercetti innocent. 

They found him guilty of "performing thirty six badass jumps." The reason they gave for this conclusion was: "Thomas Vercetti rebuilt Vice City into a safer and better place. He also left Liberty City safer for a time. For a man who's done so much for so many, we're going to overlook any potential negative. Two wrongs don't make a right. However, denying everything he did would undermine how cool those jumps across the city were. Even god recognized it! Plus, there's too much shit to sift through, and he got other places to go." 

The fallout of this verdict rang throughout America. One side called it a misnomer of justice and inspired another side to mimic his actions. Violence erupted from both sides. All were calmed when Thomas Verxetti ran for the President of the United States of America. He won.

He stepped down two weeks later when Mercedes Cortez called him a "puto." He died after a twelve hour sex session three months later at the age of seventy two. 

-----

I did it. I 100 percented my fifth-ish favorite game. After being negative for a few months, it's nice to return to an old love. I'm really glad I did this! It's something eleven year old me would have loved, too. The holidays are coming up, so I might just hang out until January. I want to get some work done ahead of time. I also want to keep cruising through Miami, too. But this time with a hunter helicopter. That was my favorite thing to do in 2004. But that's for later. I'll post a review tomorrow and expect historical results!

A Gozar Con Mi Cajones

"Mr. Vercetti, our reports indicate that the number of murders and police deaths attributed to you more than doubled over the next few weeks. Why is that?"

"Because I killed them."

"Was there a reason?"

"Because I got paid."

"By who?"

"Uh...by god?"

"..."

"I did some really rad jumps on a bike during this time, too."

*The jury nods in agreement.*

"What hand, if any, did you have in escalating the gang wars between the Cubans and the Haitians?"

"The Cuban leader confused me with Leo or Mr. Teal, the chef. He offered me a job even though I told him I wasn't. He did that about a month ago, and I finally showed up. The man has a large interest in cajones and, as the kids say, toxic masculinity. Before I worked for him, he wanted me to show my piloting skills with a boat. He never asked me to do it again, so I don't know why. Afterwards, he got real pissed off and called me two faced."

"Did you work for the Haitians?"

"No."

"There are police reports and eyewitnesses from the El Banko Corrupto that confirm you drove a voodoo, ran drugs, and shot at Cubans."

"I don't remember any of that."

"You've been upfront with your war crimes so far. Why change now?"

"I'm telling you, you prick, that I never worked for the Haitians. I don't know what you're referencing, but it has nothing to do with me. But I have occasionally gotten a phone call from a woman with a Haitian accent telling me to avoid Little Haiti. I've never understood what it meant. Can I get back to the story?"

"Go ahead."

"So, you're gonna love this. It ends with the destruction of a drug farm. The Cubans wanted to shut down the Haitian plant, so we raided it. We only hijacked their van, but we'd return later. It wasn't all wins. The Haitians got the Cuban number two, Rico, when they ambushed our ambush on Starfish Island. But we took out their runners. After this, we blew up the plant altogether. We snuck our way in with their gang cars, which might be what the reports from earlier referenced. When we got in, we shot our way deeper in, planted bombs, and ran like hell."

"The heroin arrests did drop during this period. Even though it was through illicit means, even the Butcher can be of use. I wonder what you could have done had you used your talents for good."

"Whatever I wanted to do."

"Then something strange happens. By this point, you were worth nearly a billion dollars. Why did you rob small stores across town?"

Al"l this stuff with gangs, drugs, and running an empire starts to get to ya. I wanted to return to my roots, I guess."

"So you robbed fifteen stores for $2000 in total?"

"It wasn't about the money for once. It was just to make me think about simpler times. Which is probably why I brought the print works in Havana. Little did I know that that would lead to an upheaval of this whole thing. But that's the end of this tale, and it should be saved for when we have more time."

-----

Ninety six percent with four missions left. All the superfluous stuff is done, so it's time to end this. I'm glad I did this!

Love Fist Fury

Or why I didn't buy VRock!

-----

"That's not all we did. The first thing I did when I bought the Malibu was begin to plan for a big job. Ken Rosenberg, not this one, was waiting for me. He installed a minibar for some stupid reason, but at least he brought the whiteboard. His, uh, bad habits showed up, so let's pretend he wasn't there. The first part of this plan was to find a man who knows how to crack a safe."

"Is this when you broke into the Washington Beach police station to free Cam Jones?"

"It was."

"You killed a dozen officers. How did you escape this time?"

"Honestly, I don't know. Hell, I dropped Cam off at his house. How the hell did VCPD not check there and arrest him again?"

"They were underfunded and demoralized."

"The pricks sucked at their job. Just like you, Suxxx."

"The Vice City police of forty years ago aren't on trial here. Keep to the topic. Besides Cam and Ken, who else was on this team?"

"I didn't get their names. One was a hotshot sniper with a questionable connection to the arm forces. He challenged me to a shooting contest; I got forty five points. The last was a driver. His name was Hillary. I don't remember his last name, but he had more issues than anyone I've met. According to the shooter, he had abandonment issues from his mom. This gave him anxiety, and he wanted us to treat him bad. But he was a great driver. Mind you, I out raced him in an admiral against a sabre."

"When we finally got together, we robbed El Banko Corrupto Grande, the bank on main street in Little Havana."

"That was you? Eye witness reports said you called for someone named "Phil.""

"Working names; not real."

"Sure..."

It went smooth for a while, but I shouldn't have let one man guard the entire show floor. A civ hit the alarm, and we were swarmed by SWAT. We had their retirement, so it makes sense. But we shot our way out until Hillary tried to help us. He failed. In hindsight, I don't know why we brought him. I'm the better driver, and I lack any negative neurotic tendencies. But I guess the boys in blue got one."

"Once again, the police failed, and we got away. I had Rosenberg plan our celebration party, and he actually did a great job. His habits gave him an inflated sense of self worth, but party planning was his calling."

"We need to investigate the police after this. I don't understand how they were so bad."

"What was your next declaration of war, Mr. Vercetti?"

"I actually layer low for a moment. Ken invited someone who introduced me to Love Fist. I had no clue what any of those Scottish bisexuals were saying, but they hired me to run various jobs for them. I had to get them drugs and a special lady. I also ran security against a rabid fan."

"Didn't you go on another rampage?"

"I needed to make my way into a local biker gang. Love Fist needed security, and the bikers fit the mold. After a chopper race, me and the leader bonded over our distrust of authority. They were screwed over by the US in Nam, and my first family betrayed me."

"So you took a tank through downtown to please your grandpa?"

"Shut up, Suxxx, before I take a tank to your ass!"

"Thomas Vercetti! You will calm down before I take any chances of your freedom away. This is the third time you've tangled with the army; all were national headlines that embarrassed all of Florida. I can't believe you're alive, let alone not in jail. The failures of the police during the 80s continue to be a blight on all of us. All of this infuriates me, and I don't know how to handle it. I'm going to call this a day to cool off. Please tell me you get better?"

"Less cops, more gang wars."

Oh, god, why?

-----

I also finished Phil's quests and the last of the phone assignments. I'm gonna try to plow through the rampages and stunt jumps in the coming days, so don't expect an update this weekend.

Why I bought VCPR

It's true. Cabbies love Maurice Chavez!

-----

"What was your next one hundred percent legitimate business opportunity, Mr. Vercetti?
I bought Kaufman Cabs in Little Haiti. When I got there, the woman who ran the CB let me know pretty quickly that proprietors come and go in this line of work. She gave the "things are gonna change" speech I was supposed to. I got the feeling I'd have to fix this myself. Again! It turns out Kaufman and Vice City Cabs have some gang like qualities to them. They attack us, we beat them, repeat ad nauseam. So on and so forth."

"Let me guess, you attacked them without them getting revenge."

"Damn right. In their defense, they lured me into a trap. They used Mercedes' name as bait, and eight other cabs had an impromptu demolition derby. After I removed the guy in charge, the war ended. Go compare the revenue from then forward. I even made sure Kaufman became synonymous with quality by giving one hundred fares myself. It sucked, but now we're world famous for our jumping car drivers."

"According to the street cleaners guild, calls about vomit on the streets drastically increased."

"The average person can't handle flying cars."

(That's all I did on Wednesday, so the rest is from Thursday, smashed into one brief.)

"That wild statement aside, why were you elected best ambulance driver of 1986 in the middle of this hostile takeover?"

"Because I'm a damn good driver. Cars, helicopters, ambulances. You name it, I'm the best."

"But how did you get an ambulance?"

"I found it in an abandoned alley. Wanting to remind the city that I'm a fine, honorable man, I decided to save people."

"How much does that negate from your kills?"

"Minus ninety. I'm in the green now. Vice City is a dangerous place. There are a lot of fires too."

"Arson claims against you aren't common. How do you know about the fire problem if you did start them? You didn't start them, right?"

"Of course not. I was the one putting them out downtown."

"Let me guess, you found a fire engine in an alley?"

"Abandoned in a parking lot covered in dust. I took it around town and saved more people from their stupidity. I'm not saying Pastor Richards was correct, but a lot of people really need someone to tell them how to do things. Why does everyone in Vice City run away from the person trying to put a fire out? I have a water hose; stop running."

"So you've been running Vice City for thirty five years because everyone is dumb? Rather than remaining a benevolent overlord, you returned to your criminal ways, correct?"

"Oh yeah."

"The city registrar indicates you're the owner of the Valhalla Club near Washington Beach."

"I sold that years ago. When I did purchase it, it was still called the Malibu Club. We sold the best corn dogs there. Speaking of which..."

Death in Tight Pants!

"Yesterday, Mr. Vercetti, you alluded that you became a legitimate businessman?"

"I did, and this is now two days I've been straight! BJ Smith, the Mambas tight end, was looking to make a comeback to football and was selling off his other responsibilities. Except his workout program, of course. I picked up his car dealership. We spoke about the area and his alternative ideas for unloading the building. I'll have you know that I prevented a crime by doing this."

"What was he planning to do?"

"Do I look like a rat, Rosenberg?"

"So what did you do to put this in the green?"

"I sold cars: custom cars. Stuff you can't find anywhere else."

"And how did you procure these vehicles, sir?"

"My mechanics are top notch."

"Mr. Vercetti, I looked into crime stats during the first year you were in Vice City. If the timeframe works out like I think it does, violent crime plummeted during these weeks, but reports of carjackings skyrocketed. Is it safe to assume you're responsible for this?"

"Never assume, Your Honor."

"Good advice, so I'll just ask..."

"I am."

"Explain."

"No."

"What about the rumors of an illegal street racing syndicate being run from your garage?"

"That happened. I shut it down once I won everything, though. Racers in VC are two things. Bad but honorable. If they couldn't beat the best, they didn't want to race. And many kept dying by driving into the sea. The police didn't bother with speeding tickets, so I should have kept it up and earned some commission on races."

"While we're on the topic, did you do any other legitimate businesses?"

"I sold ice cream."

*a gasp of confusion emanates from everyone in the room*

"I bought Cherry Poppers Ice Cream manufacturing. And I even stopped more crime. The crazy old lady who used to run it hated kids. Because of that, she drugged the previous soft serve stuff. When I took over, I made it straight. I don't give a shit what the cops said. That was conventional, high quality ice cream. Inspect it! All this new income gave me leverage to buy up residential buildings around town, which I did. I felt screwed over, though, so I planned a new business venture. I wanted to get into the customs and trading business."

"More legitimate stuff?"

"As I am want to do! And I used it to examine what happened at the ambush. I still can't believe I put that off for so long. Now that I think about it. Let's grab fish for lunch. Ken's buying!"

-----

I'm up to fifty one percent. I feel like it should be higher, but there are a bunch of missions and collectibles still out there. I've barely done any insane stunts and none of the rampages. Here's hoping my computer doesn't break!

I wear my sunglasses at night.

Why aren't sunglasses in the game?

-----

"So you've taken over for Ricardo Diaz and now run Vice City. Was it a smooth transition of power?"

"Not really. It turns out Diaz did a lot of protection racketing. All the small businesses we ran stopped paying us when we took over, so I had to go shake them down. Rosenberg suggested we bribe them, which is one of the stupidest things he's ever said.

I first went to the North Point Mall and broke all the windows. They learned quickly that I'm in charge now! The next place was on Washington Beach. It turns out we had a rival protection group nearby. After a quick round of negotiations, where they tried to flee from, I managed to convince them to leave town...by boat."

"Mr. Vercetti, you appear as a person of interest in the police report. The police believed you and another person impersonated an officer."

"There was something another representative of my organization did that I needed to fix. Did Lance and myself pretend to be the police? Or course not. It was business that I needed to take care of, and I did."

"It was during a bomb investigation at the mall. Why was there a bomb at the mall?"

"Suxxx, if I knew why then I'd tell you. Fortunately, as I'm unable to answer that question. I'll remind you I don't know shit about a bomb."

"It was now that my client became a respectful business owner. He began to reinvigorate Vice City's commerce. Mr. Vercetti, what was the first place you bought!"

"Interglobal, the movie studio on Prawn Island."

"And what did you film at Interglobal?"

"Porn."

"He was a smut peddler!"

"It's legal, Suxxx. Hell, it's how I met your mother."

"Hey!"

"Shut up. Listen. There was no coercion; your mother's a whore and loved the work."

"Your Honor!"

"This is true, Alex. But Mr. Vercetti, stay on topic. How did you reenergize the city's studio?"

"The director, Steve Scott, was a bit too artsy for me. He had this thing about sharks and aliens. No one cares about plot in porn; it's all about the poontang! And don't even get me started on mashed potatoes. The first thing we needed was new stars. After getting the legendary Candy Suxxx from her manager, who was actually her pimp, I brought her in to work for us."

"My mother may have been a pornographer, but she wasn't a prostitute!"

"Look, man, I don't know the details of her past, but she became her own agent when she worked for Steve. Did I save her from that life? I don't know. All I know is she and Mercedes Cortez made magic on VHS. She has to do some of Steve's crap, but it worked. It took some special advertising, but it did work."

"Now listen here..."

"Suxxx! Mr. Vercetti, what do you mean by "special advertising"?"

"The first thing I did was drop posters for Bite through Vice City."

"You caused all that pollution?"

"Don't yell at your client, Ken."

"Those millions of paper caused the deaths of hundreds of fish, manatees, and sharks. Environmentalists blamed them for killing the coral reefs."

"It was legal in 86. Besides, the statute of limitations is only two years. And anything I did wrong was corrected when I blasted Candy's tits on the side of a building."

*a happy murmur from the men in the audience is audibly heard*

"Calm down, calm down! Creating porn in private is one thing, but you're taking credit for that obscene projection?"

"Sure did. They talked about it for ten years. Do people still try to recreate it?"

"Was there anything else you did this week?"

"I became famous for my racing skills."

"So that was you at the Hymen Stadium."

"My time at the dirtring was embarrassing, but my driving skills are quite good. They still are"

"You pulled a gun out and shot at opposing drivers."

"No one said I couldn't, and no one yelled at me for doing it."

"So all was well in Vercetti land?"

"Eh..."

"What hardships did you face during all this?"

"It was around this time when I noticed Lance start to change. He got upset a lot and thought I was demeaning him. I'm a person who demands perfection from his allies. If they mess up, they'll hear about it. I hope they'd do the same towards me. But he couldn't handle that. Our alliance started to show cracks."

"Care to elaborate?"

"Not at the moment. I also had Sonny down my back, too."

"You still hadn't paid him back?"

"Why should I have? I was trying to expand the business here. I couldn't afford to part with the capital. Sonny was an angry man, but he usually had a head for the long term plan. I eventually just decided to ignore him until I couldn't anymore. But that's the end of this story. I should tell you about the famous person I bought a legitimate business from first."

"That's a story for tomorrow. My courtroom members don't get paid enough for overtime."

-----

It turns out that the hidden package wasn't mission locked. So I got all 100, did the off road missions, the Hymen, and three of the vehicle missions. I'm actually gonna do this!?

Owner of a fat wallet

"Do you know your body count, Mr. Vercetti?"

"Still even."

"It's over 400."

"Still even."

"...Get on with the story, Tom."

"I did more work for Senior Cortez. And you might be interested in this because he wanted to procure a tank."

"Oh, dear."

"One, in particular, was being brought through town this day. I don't know why he wanted this one over others, but I had a minor spat with the army boys again. I'll admit that I started this one. Payback from before, so I don't add it to my inventory. I'll never know what Cortez did with the tank, but you should check the garages in Little Havana.

After that, I aided Mr. Carrington again. I met Donald Love for the first and only time in my life when he was working as a subordinate of Avery. I didn't get to know him well because I was told to heat up a gang war. I got paid for this one, but I killed a Haitian leader while disguised as a Cuban. It was supposed to drop the land prices of the area, but Carrington didn't live long enough to see all of it through. I would get a call from the Cuban leader shortly after this. He confused me for the chef, but he thought I would suffice for the jobs he had in store. It would be a while before I'd help him, so expect those stories another day.

What's more important is that I started working solely for Diaz at this point. Despite his neuroticism, he came to quickly trust me. The first thing he wanted was the fastest speedboat in Vice City. After a little shootout at the docks..."

"Where three dockworkers were killed."

"Shut up, Suxxx."

"That's twelve, sir, but continue."

"He then had me use the boat as a way to race other freelance drug peddlers to one of the marinas. Vance piloted for this mission, and the mission became a big turning point for us. The next day, I got a phone call from a well known informant in town. He let me know that Lance had tried to kill Diaz. He failed and was being tortured at the junkyard. I had a helicopter nearby, which I used to fly over all the nonsense with Diaz' men. We still had to shoot our way out, but gang members shouldn't be counted in this running totals, Lu."

"..."

"After taking Vance to the hospital, we then raided Diaz' house. He rushed my whole plan because Diaz would have tried to kill us if I didn't. The idiot wanted revenge for his brother and couldn't wait. This would have been so much smoother if he had any patience. But maybe it was for the best. My Colt .357 made quick work of the Hawaiian shirt wearing, angry hobbit. Vice City is a better place without the drug slinging, angry, half man around. You're welcome."

"And this was when you began to run Vice City?"

"From my new home on Starfish Island. Check the statistics, Your Honor. Cocaine arrests dropped, violence plummeted..."

"...when you weren't involved."

"No one messes with Tommy Vercetti! Not even the French!"

"The French?"

"Cortez had to leave town shortly after I killed Diaz. His military contacts caught up to him, so the apache helicopter situation north of the golf course happened. Cortez hired me to shoot his way through to the open seas. It went well, and he gave me his speedboat. Cortez was a good man and a good friend. I hope he lived a full life after he left VC. Mercedes didn't talk about him too much. I'd hear from him again a few times in the coming weeks, but I'd never see him again. Home country stuff."

"The French ruined our language. I'd ask the jury to overlook this confession."

"Your Honor!"

"You're a damn fine judge, after all, Ms. Campuona."

"His leaving also took your diplomatic immunity."

"Good thing I went straight, huh?"

"Did you?"

"Sure did. And I'll tell you after lunch. On the taxpayers!"

-----

I remember taking forever to open up the world, and it being double that to start taking over VC.

VC is not your city...

...she's just the town who claims that I am the don!

-----

"Now that we're back from lunch, is there anything you forgot about your first week in Vice?"

"Being a pizza delivery man was very lucrative. I can't believe I could afford a house just working weekends."

"Huh?"

"Great lunch! Anyway, after I started a legitimate base of operations in town, I went to work for Avery Carrington."

"The construction magnate?"

"Yes, ma'am. He had a problem, and I'm a problem solver. He wanted to own that entire island where the fairgrounds once were. He asked me to make the area unstable, which it already was. Not only that, but he wanted to aid in keeping Vice City looking picturesque. Sure, he had me ruin it, but a job's a job, Your Honor. No one got hurt."

"There were nine bodies found in the rubble."

"And they all chose to die by running into my RC Helicopter blades. I was working for the proprietor of Shady Acres, so assisted suicide was on the table. Regardless, once Avery returned from his trip, he restored that area of the city. Eventually..."

"That's nine men you admit to killing. Once Avery left VC, what did you do."

"I went to work for Colonel Cortez. He had discovered one of his subordinates aided in the ambush of my group. A man named Gonzalez needed to be taken care of."

"And how did you do that, Mr. Vercetti."

"I didn't. He drowned in his pool. The cops didn't bother to perform a proper investigation, so I discovered the joys of a Pay 'N' Spray."

"Was the agreement between law enforcement and Donald Love love still in agreement in 1986?"

"It was, so expect me to evade a lot of great police work in the coming years. Cortez then had me get close to my next employer, Ricardo Diaz. A trade of unknown items were ambushed by Haitians, but me and my associate, Lance Vance, protected them. Lance went by Quentin at the time, and his brother was the buyer who got killed in the ambush. Both Cortez and Vance believed Diaz was involved in that, which is why all three of us had our eyes on him. After the success of protecting Dias, Dias invited us over to work with him.

"Diaz was an angry little man with an obsession with pricks and dickheads. The first time I worked for him, he had me trail a member of the Streetwannabes. After that, Quentin and I pretty much eradicated them. If you can find the police reports of the Prawn Massacre, that was us. Doing that made Vice Point safer, and you're welcome."

"The Sharks kept their presence around the mall, so I doubt the truthfulness of that statement. But I'll give it to you only because what you're about to do totally negates that."

"What am I being blamed for?"

"Your name appears in the police record for the first time shortly after this event, correct?"

"First of all, Lucy, you're welcome again. Secondly..."

"You stole a tank from the army base and rampaged through town!"

"Secondly... the army started firing on me, and I needed that for protection."

"And why were you shot at by the United States Armed Forced?"

"Your Honor, I'll be honest. I'm going to say a lot of bullshit in the coming days, but what I'm about to say is one hundred percent the truth. I did nothing wrong. I didn't walk into their base, I didn't take aim at anyone, nor was I belligerent in any way. It was completely unfair and unjustified. All I did was look for a particular package."

"So why did you take the rhyno and destroy half of the police force?"

"Because they ran into me! I was trying to clean up the streets of all the criminals in town."

"The FBI was called in!"

"Then why didn't they get rid of the criminals I was trying to do? Why focus the man trying to make their job easier? Why complicate my work? Why would you run into a tank, assholes? Seriously, that was dumb of them. Fortunately, my career as a pizza delivery driver afforded me the luxury of buying property, so I was able to go home to the Hymen Condos and let all this blow over."

"And then attacked the Washington Beach Police Headquarters?"

"Donald Love!"

"No one knows where he is! Mr...Tommy. You had been in Vice City for three weeks at this point. Do you know how many people you have killed?"

"I broke even, ma'am."

"Even?"

"Between the gangs and criminals that Sergeant Pulaski couldn't..."

"...and the innocents..."

"...I broke even."

"Even plus nine..."

"Even."

"Mr. Vercetti, I'm about to call this a night, but I want you to think deeply about how "even" your numbers are. I'll also do some research to find the official numbers. I'll see everyone back here at nine AM on the dot tomorrow."

-----

I'm missing one hidden package because it's mission locked. I also have 150 health and armor because I did those side missions. I've already done stuff I've never done before!

Welcome to Vice City

Grand Theft Auto is rated M for Mature. Expect me to swear, but expect me to feel bad about it, too.

-----

"Welcome back to VCPR's coverage of the Trial of Tommy Vwrxetti. And I said welcome back because you worthless poor people didn't pay your dues."

"That's right, Marlene. They didn't send us enough money, so we couldn't cover any witness testimony. You all missed Ken Rosenberg faking three heart attacks and Alex Suxxx extolling his fond memories of being breastfed by his nanny, Martha."

"My mother tried to come back into my life, but I was having none of it. I told her to take her liberal ass to a left wing shithole like Arizona or Georgia. Florida retirees are for people who've never left this state, whore!"

"I'm very proud of you, Marlene! Unlike the people at home. They'll never see how an international cartel drugged and kidnapped the entire audience or a return of gang warfare between the Cubans and Haitians. And the heartfelt love between a fat man and his car will forever be lost on you."

"It was weird and uncomfortable, uncle Jonathan, but I was mesmerized. And I think we both grew from it and have become better people through this."

"Fortunately, the last month of payments, while late and pitiful..."

"Just like the listeners at home."

"...are enough to let us experience Tommy Vercetti's side of the story."

---

"Mr. Vercetti, we've heard rumors about your adventures in the city over the last few days. Unfortunately, we've also learned about your lawyer's interest in giraffe furries and his sponsorship with Rusty Brown's Ring Donuts. Rather than let the idiots run wild more, give us your take on all these claims. Plaintiff, begin your examination, but don't make me regret it."

"Mr. Vercetti, where were you before coming to Vice City, and when and why did you come down here."

"I spent fifteen years in prison in Liberty City. I was found guilty of self defense when I was attacked by a rival group in Harwood. Once I got out, my organization sent me here to expand the family business. I didn't even see my previous employer before I landed here in 1986."

"Explain your first week in the city. Why did this family send you here, where did you stay, and what did you do?"

"The Forelli Family sent me here to sell drugs. The statute of limitations has long passed on that, so do what you will with that information. My first handoff went as well as my last mission in Liberty went. My allies, Harry and Lee, were ambushed. They both died, as did the buyer. I'd later come to learn this was a pivotal moment that connected me to several people you'll come to know about."

"Would you go deeper into detail about those connections?"

"No. I managed to escape the gunfire and jump into the car of my middleman, Ken Rosenberg. Yes, my current lawyer's father. Ken was a man with intense anxiety and drug habits. He drove us back to his office, and I started to settle down after heading to my hotel on Ocean Beach. I'm a man of buisness and like to get to the point when I take action. I would have returned to the scene, but Hurricane Hermoine blocked the roads.

"I called my employer, Sonny, with the bad news, and he reacted as you'd expect for the biggest mobster in Liberty City. I promised he'd get his money and merchandise back, and I did. He didn't accept it, but we'll get to that later. In the morning, I went back to Ken's. I wanted as much information about Vice City as I could get, and he told me about a party. Despite being attended by the biggest names in town, Ken had an invite. The event caused him to develop accurate agoraphobia, so I went in his place. Mr. Cortez, rest his soul, introduced me to your mom and her boyfriend, Congressman Alex Shrub."

"What were they like?"

Your Honor, relevancy?

" Correct, Mr. Rosenberg. Your bastard birth has no bearing on the court case, Mr. Suxxx. Please continue, Mr. Vercetti."

"I also saw a few other bit players, but one Ricardo Dias is the only one worth talking about now. I let myself get carried away and couldn't speak to him because Senior Cortez' daughter, Mercedes, took me elsewhere. She wanted me to take her to work. When I went back to Ken's, we had a lead on someone who could have been responsible. It was a chef working in one of the hotels near the beach. I have no idea what Ken was thinking, but it led me to meet my future right hand man. And also a cell phone. More importantly, Mr. Teal was a hitman, so that's a villain I took off the streets for this great city."

"How did you attain the cellphone?"

"I found it on the ground. After this, I decided to set up shop. With the knowledge of who's who in Vice City, I decided to start getting a base down. I got some guns and money in my pocket. I figured out the roads and seedy offshoots of the east island. And then I saved Sonny's cousin from jail, but guess how important that was to him?"

"How did you do that?"

"With a guile tongue that could make your mother sweat."

"Excuse me! Your Honor."

"Your mother was a porn star, Alex. How have you not grown a tough skin yet? Mr. Vercetti, keep talking about the relevant details, but we're also going to break for lunch now."

-----

I went searching for hidden packages. I got thirty eight of the forty two I could. I need to play more to get the rest, which I'll do...tomorrow!

Sonic: Gotta go not that fast?

Before I show that I've grossly overestimated my writing ability, I played my first Sonic game. Sonic the Hedgehog 2! I hated it! It's hard to do my typical review, as it's a game from 1992 that isn't focused on story, but I'm doing it anyway.

Story: secondary. Playing the game reveals almost nothing about the story. There's no cutscene until the very end, but even that doesn't explain anything. As far as I could tell, a sentient hedgehog needs to stop an evil egg for some reason, probably explained in the manual. NA/10

Gameplay: the important bits. Despite being the entirety of the game, it's pretty flawed. The draw of Sonic is going fast, but you shouldn't go fast, or else you'll run into or off something and die. But there's a ten minute time limit... Other than dodging stage hazards, there's the occasional random mob to stop you from traversing. There are multiple ways to go throughout the zones, but all lead to a boss battle. These guys come in the range of annoying to pointless. Sonic only has one attack, so there's only one way to take down your opponents. And some of the paths to reach them are utterly nonsense or circular. Sonic doesn't gain anything new as we get close to the end. 2/10

Art: magical. There's something awe inspiring about the backgrounds of the zones. I could look at that city in the background for hours, even if I hated Toxic Plant Zone. Sonic never gets lost in the chaos of the levels, and you can tell Sega wanted their boy to rival Mario. 10/10

Sound: music's good. That's about all I can say about it. Because there's no story, we don't get a mix of emotions. There are only eleven zones, too, so there's not much to go around. But it's easy to get into what is here. I understand why Sonic has a large following on OverClocked Remix. 6/10

Technical: the worst part. I can overlook the laxness of a story or the disappointing gameplay, but the game needed more cooking. Hit detection is off. Smashing into enemies doesn't always go as you'd think, and it isn't consistent. Sometimes your opponent dies; sometimes it's you. It's frustrating and terrible. Platforms are somehow too sticky but made of ice at the same time. Once you're on one, build a house. But landing correctly on them can be an adventure. And Sonic himself always wants to drift. It's possible it's my garbage tier Rockcandy controller, but nothing's smooth in a game about speed. Good thing you're punished for going fast! 2/10

No bugs, but the controls are wonky (and deserve two negatives), as do the questionable game mechanics. -4

Final - 16/50

That's worse than I expected. I didn't enjoy Sonic 2, but I didn't expect it to be that bad. In terms of 90's platformers, I'll stick with Mario. The story exists, there are more gameplay functions, and it's more fun. At the very least, the biggest gimmick is functional. I enjoyed the music, though, and I may add artists to my list of possible real world mages.

Let's go to not Miami!

I've been very negative lately about the last several games I've played. I'm a pessimistic person, so this is to be suspected, but I still don't like it. Rather than risk not having fun with Front Mission 3, I'm gonna do something strange. I won't be playing an RPG. Wild! I also won't be writing a typical blog or a change-of-pace diary. Instead, I'm gonna write a play! It's a courtroom drama that takes place forty years after the events of the game. It's something totally novel, and I could use the break. So what game am I turning into a Law & Order episode? Grand Theft Auto: Vice City! My friend and I put a million hours into this game when it first came out, and I even bought my own copy (I think) to make sure we could play it and not share it with his dad. It's one of the few non EPGs in my top twenty, so I have to write about it somehow. So let's do this strange new adventure! Here's a preview, but don't expect anything until this weekend!

-----

"The Trial of the Century: The Takedown of Vice City's Scarface, Tommy Vercetti"

"For the last forty years, Vice City has been ruled from the shadows by one man, Thomas Vercetti. Allegedly, of course. But he's finally been caught, even if on a technicality, and he's expected to face prison time for all of his terrorist actions, crimes against humanity, and shooting a gun at the moon. It's October 29th, 2023, and the trial that everyone's been waiting for has finally begun. Will Mr. Vercetti walk free? Will the open secret of his actions be made official? Will this nostalgia save Sissy Spritz' stock? All this can be heard, live and exclusively, on VCPR!"

"Vice City will be thrilled that we're paying out the big bucks for exclusive access to these courtroom hearings, Marlene."

"They sure will, uncle Johnathan! But we can't do this alone. We need the help of viewers at home, or else this hearing can drop at any time. And if that happens, Tommy Vercetti will walk free."

"Or he might go to jail for the rest of his life!"

"Who knows what can happen!? So if you care about justice, send us your money."

"If you want to be a part of history and not just a shadow aside it, send us a check!"

"If you care about the therapy I've needed to endure because my mom ran off to a hippie commune with her fifth husband and disappeared, then offer us the random crypto coins you have around your house!"

"That's right, Marlene. Now, as a preview of what's to come, here are the courtroom officials who'll decide this story."

"Is this legal?"

"Nope! But guess who pays us!?"

Judge: Lucia Belle
Defendant: Ken Rosenberg II
Plaintiff: Alex Suxxx II
Bailiff: Robert E. Cassidy
Clerk: Bentley Hernandez
Stenographer: Ric Beaufort
Jurors:
Claude Speed
Bubba Jones
Kivlov Bellic
Travis Caine
Troy Casey
Divine Morash
Katy Henry
Mikki Vilans
Ulrika Kasen
Caligari Johnson
Sid Vacant
Gretchen Lopez

"On behalf of Jonathan Freeloader, I'm Marlene Chavez with Vice City Public Radio. The trial of the Century, or at least this generation, begins right now!"

"All rise for the honorable Lucia Belle! ... You may be seated."

"I'm not one to dally, so let's get on with this trial. We'll begin with the opening remarks by both parties. Plaintiff, I'll allow you to go first."

"Folks, my name is Alex Suxxx the Second, and I represent every single citizen, tourist, and vehicle in the great city of Vice City. Since the mid 1980s, one man has had a stranglehold on this great town, and everyone has suffered because of him. Property damage has skyrocketed. Murder rates are at an all time high. And the prices of ammunition have grown out of reach for the common rabble. And all of this is the fault of one man: Tommy Vercetti! His rampages, drug smuggling, and buying up all the businesses to keep honest people like myself from starting a life have ruined VC's reputation. Do you think I wanted to be a lawyer? No! I wanted to build a titty bar filled with women so large they're likely to suffocate me just by walking by me, but my opponent kept bankrupting me by offering a better business with more reasonable prices! It's not fair, Your Honor! It's not!"

"Calm down, Mr. Suxxx. Are you done, or do the tears mean something else?"

"Uh...no, ma'am. I'm done."

"May the defendant's representative come to the bench now?"

"Tommy Vercetti is an innocent man. In fact, I counter all of those claims made by the son of a porn star are false. Since Mr. Vercetti came to Vice City, violent crime has gone down, hijackings have plummeted, and there are fewer tiki statues filled with cocaine in town than before. And not just here but in Liberty City, as well. He's cleaned up two towns! Business is booming, life satisfaction is up, and gang activity is almost nonexistent on the east island. I ask the jury this: you all know about Mr. Vercetti. He's a good man who's helped so many people to better their lives. Maybe even some of you. Do you really think my client is capable of that? Tommy Vercetti is a kind man, a generous man, a civic-minded man, but he does not appreciate being called a killer, Suxxx."

"Plaintiff, bring out your first claim."

Squall should have stayed dead.

 Playing Final Fantasy VIII made me sick. Literally. I've been bedridden all weekend ever since I finished this game. Did it really give me the flu? Probably not, but it could have! Let's make this review quick before I get aftershocks remembering it!

What does Final Fantasy VIII do that sucks.

Pretty much everything.
The story is filled with plot holes and terrible twists. Amnesia? Check! Time Paradoxes? Check! More questions than before? Check!

Why was Laguna in space? Why was Adel in space? Why didn't we get a proper ending? All we did was keep the circle of Ultimecia spinning? Do you think she knows this has all happened before? When was the first time, and how did it start? I don't care...

I hate junctioning. Farming is tedious and boring, and it makes it so you can't use your strongest magic. I know you don't have to junction 100-300 of the best magic, but why wouldn't you? It's not hard (but it sure is boring).

The characters are either terrible or one dimensional. This whole story revolves around Squall and Rinoa. Everyone else is just there to force the two of them together. But why? Squall is toxic and pushes everyone away. Why are all these people trying to get them together? Squall is a terrible leader, which, in his defense, he doesn't want to be leader. Despite Quisitis getting fired for lacking leadership qualities, Squall is forced to be the leader. Why? Squall wasn't even friends with these people when they were at the orphanage. There is almost no connection between them!

I don't talk much about dungeon design, but VIII has the worst. Galbadia Prison is a series of circular floors that all look the same. Galbadia sewers is just before that, which makes it worse. Fortunately, every other dungeon is short and forgettable. Bland are the Salt Flats, Gardens, and towns. The Timer Train mission was kinda cool, though.

I think the music is the worst Uematsu's ever done? I'm not saying it's bad or awful, but everyone band has their low point, and this is his. The bangers are few are far between, and the rest is forgettable.


Any good?

I like the world. All the cities are connected in some way, but Dollet seems like it's forgotten once you return there. I love seeing all the trains travel across Galbadia, and the novelty of using cars (complete with gas and rental fees) was neat. But even then, Trabia is so underutilized. Seriously, there's another village up there, right? And the inclusion of other races, like the Shuumi and their weird evolution, was interesting.

...that's in.

Story: Terrible. The boring characters drag down the acceptable villains, but the downright awful garbage story ruins it. Could I give it a negative score? 4/10

Gameplay: card game. The card game is more fun than the actual combat. The best thing to do is spam basic attack, which is sooo much fun! Too bad there's that random rule to make it lose appeal. 6/10

Sound: Good enough. The sounds fit the locations and mood, and a few are even memorable. I may not love it, but I don't want to die on this hill. 10/10

Charm: Sure. The side quests are strange, but I find them oddly endearing. The world is among the best in the genre, and there are enough NPCs to fill it! 8/10

Negatives: plentiful. Drawing is painfully tedious, and Time Compression is stupidly confusing in every way, shape, and form. What's most damaging is that I feel like FFVIII doesn't want you to play it. Enemies level with you, so staying low is the best strategy. The quickest way to gain power is by playing Triple Triad, which has the random rule to kill all fun. But even if it didn't, I want an RPG! And doesn't even touch on the weird lack of QA in their physical realm! -11

Total Points: 27/50 - 6.7/10

I used to think FFVIII was a boring game. I still think that, but I now believe it's a bad game too. I'm torn between my favorite Final Fantasy game, but I also might spend time debating what's the worse. XII still has fewer points, but VIII has more reasons to make people despise it. Eight makes hate!

The boss of irrelevancy.

Straight shot. All killer, no thriller.

The six of us walked into Ultemecia's inordinately large castle. The moment they do, many of their powers become sealed. To free them, we'll need to defeat a boss. The first one is before us, just up the stairs. Obviously, the only plan here is to attack. Fortunately, junctions and passive abilities still work, so the team is still doing 7000 damage a go. My tactics for the other seven did not change. With Full-Life, Ultima, and Meltdown junctioned, we won't be in trouble. The only boss worth changing strategy for is the Red Giant. You'll need to use magic or inflict him with Vit 0 (Meltdown or Doomtrain). I got items first in case things went belly up for me. The best thing about UC is that you can draw eight GFs that you may have missed from earlier bosses. You can go after Ultemecia whenever you want, but I went all out. Solving a painting puzzle, a weight issue, and locking a chandler got me everywhere. I even found another Rosetta Stone to give Squall four abilities to junction! Sadly, I found Omega Weapon not worth the headache. I probably could have given it a better go, but what's the point? Three Stars?!?!?!

But, after walking through the architectural stupidity that is this castle, we finally reach a stupidly long bridge to the Master's Room. How does Ulty get her meals if the cook needs to walk across clock hands? Seems limiting. Squall warns us about the final point of no return, so reset Enc-None to something else. I went with Auto-Shell because there's a lot of magic coming up.

We'll enter the final room. Before us sits the Sorceress, Ultimecia, in her NSFW dress. To say her neckline is plunging would be to assume overalls with no bottoms is business casual. A part of me wants to see cosplay of her, but that's for another day. She's quick and to the pointless, and her villain speech is completely nondescript. She randomly picks three of us to "send to the darkness beyond time," and the final battles begin.

This is a four round battle.
In round one, we'll fight the wizard as she is. She casts magic that isn't strong. However, if she kills a character, like one not junctioned with anything, the dead character will disappear. They'll be replaced with another, meaning this was stolen from Final Fantasy VI. Maelstrom is worth watching out for, and she can cast Meltdown. I don't know if Vit 0 can be cured, but Bring Holy Waters if you want to use limit breaks. Draw/Cast Haste to use on any character you hope to keep around if you're not using Auto-Haste. Trying to use a GF will get it instantly murdered. You can get one out with good timing and full compatibility, but it's not worth it now. Try Doomtrain later if you're feeling lucky. If you're super unlucky, though, she can kill the caster instead of the GF.
Round two has her summoning "the strongest GF," Greiver! Yes, Squall's dumb ring is a girlfriend. Greiver has the bells and whistles Ulty does, but he also has the cheap trick of destroying our magic reserves. He didn't strike my Ultima or Full-Life, so I wasn't impacted. Before he dies, he's mandated to use one Shockwave Pulsar, which can be defended with Shell.
Round three is a fused form. It mostly gives me more questions about junctioning. All she did was summon Helixes to cast Holy on us. Don't let her call two, or else we'll be hit by Meteor. Scary. It'll fade away, but the battle won't be over. After twenty minutes of waiting around, we'll face the final round.
Round four: begin! We'll instantly be struck with Hell's Judgment, reducing the whole party's HP to one. This doomed her to be hit with Zell's Duel and Squall's Renzokuken. I tried to summon Doomtrain, but it died. I did keep Rinoa on Restore in case Ulty had another trick. She does, but I didn't see it. She'll ask us to recall our memories at the orphanage for some reason before we finally kill her.

She'll fade away again as we'll all be stuck on this rock. Suddenly, our party will be in a vast white void, encouraging each other to stay strong so we can go home. Everyone is a bit panicky, except for Rinoa. She knows where to go. But where's Squall? He's alone in a dark void. He breaks out of his shell and knows his friends will save him. He calls out to them, but there is only silence. Squall starts running but has nowhere to go.

Charlie Brown Squall runs past him, yelling he's going to find Sis. We're suddenly brought to Edea's Orphanage as it was just after Ellone left. Edea comes chasing after Chuck but is more curious about the current Squall. He reassures mom that Chuck will be fine. All of a sudden, Ultemecia appears behind us. Edea knows what's happening and calms down Squall. We're back in the past, seeing when Ulti possessed Edea. It's our fault mom turned evil because we killed the future lady. Squall encourages Edea to found SeeD because this plot keeps getting worse, even at the end. It's a time paradox story!!!

Squall is warped to a giant rock, and he runs around until he gives up. He tried to remember Rinoa, but her face stayed blurred. We see glimpses of his past actions until Squall's face is replaced by a black void. Squall dies. Rinoa, who has been looking for him, poofs into his dimension. Squall's dead, though, so she holds him. The sky opens up, and the planet explodes with flowers as we're taken to the final scenes.

Seifer is fishing, but he sucks at it. Raijin is pretty good, and Seifer gets mad. Fujin then kicks her friend into the water as Balamb Garden flies overhead.

Laguna is at the grave of Raine in Winhill until we flashback. We're in the same place, and we see Laguna and Raine get engaged. We cut back to the current Laguna with Ellone walking towards him. Kiros and Ward, in JPG form, are in the background. Balamb Garden flies overhead as rose petals fill the air.

The credits roll, but we see a party going on beside them. Selphie is recording everything, and we see Irvine hitting on Quistis. She doesn't care, so she goes to see Cid. He doesn't care, so he looks at Edea. Edea is in her Matron outfit now to drive the point that everything is good now. This is despite the fact that nothing has changed. Irvine takes the camera, and Selphie takes his hat. We pan to see Zell having a hotdog eating competition against himself while his girlfriend watches on in horror. He gets mad at us, I think, and everyone runs away. Finally, we see Rinoa looking at someone, but we don't get to know who it is yet.

The rest of the credits finish, and we return to Rinoa. She looks at a smiling Squall, and the scene ends. The game cuts to black, so we don't even get a proper "The End" with the Final Fantasy Prelude playing. It's unrewarding but fitting.

Game Over!

Point of no return

Shumi sucks! I learned there's an easy way to get Aura if you exploit a few Carbuncle and Tonberry abilities with an Esthar shop.

I finally go to the presidential palace, and Squall sees familiar faces. It's Ward and Kiros! And behind them, in informal attire, is the leader of Esthar, Laguna Lorie! He remarks that we must have been the fairies the three of them sensed, which raises so many time travel questions. But we finally meet everyone's favorite, and we can ask him questions. Selecting the top one forwards the plot, so ask the others first. I only asked about Ellone, and he filled in a few missing pieces. After Raine died, Elle went to the orphanage until Esthar started looking for Adel's successor again. She then spent ten years on the White SeeD boat while Squall cried. She then went to the moon after Laguna, so why was Laguna on the moon? Anyway, Galbadia found the escape pod and took Ellone. Good thing they left Selphie and Piet...

Once we ask about the mission, Odine enters and lays out the plan in a way I got lost. After that, everyone gets on the Ragnarok. Laguna tells everyone what's going to happen again but in a much better way. We're going to raid the Lunatic Pandora! Inside, we'll kill Adel, who's possessed by Ultimecia. After that, Ultimecia and Adel will inhabit Rinoa. When this happens, Ellone, who we saved, will send all three of them deeper into the past for some reason. That should cause Ulti to begin Time Compression, and Ellone will bring Rinoa back. But doesn't Ulti want to perform Time Compression? We'll then forces our way into the TC bubble and kill Ulti in the future. Makes sense? No? Too bad!

We take the Ragnarok to Lunatic Pandora, but we need to force our way in. Selphie and Zell turn on the guns to blow a hole in the side. They're blocked by a shield, which we plow through. After colliding into the side, we see the ship grow arms and crawl deeper in. And waiting for us are Fujin and Raijin!

They die fast.

We walk past Biggs and Wedge, fed up that Seifer is in charge, so they quit. Good for them! After this, we enter Lunatic Pandora again. It has the same layout, so I'd skip the tertiary stuff and just go left. We see Fu and Ri again, but they've brought back up. It's the robot that kicked Zell out before. This battle is slightly harder than the previous boss.

Mobile 8 counters everything while in defensive mode. Don't worry. The only thing you should be afraid of is when it switches to attack mode. Doing so will bring the entire team's Hp to one, and 8 will still counter. Besides this single round, everything is fine! Just make sure you can revive and heal.

This is the point of no return for FFVIII. Going any further locks us out of most of the world map and even returning to the airship is a journey. If you're done with everything, keep on keeping on.

Behind 8 is where the Disciplinary Committee is waiting for us. Seifer is behind F and R, with Ellone as a hostage, but the two decide to leave him. They set Ellone free, and she runs off to Laguna. F and R liked the old Seifer and want him back. Back when he was a leader and not a servant. They can't do anything, so they'll leave it to Squall.

As the battle begins, Odin shows up! He charges at Seifer, who sticks his gunblade out. This easily slices Odin in half, sending his sword flying into the sky, and is caught by a red hand. Seifer is quickly dispatched by Squall until Gilgamesh appears. He defeats Seifer with Odin's sword and returns to the Interdimensional Rift. How'd the sword reach him?

Rinoa is upset that Seifer would attack them because, I guess, she's still into him. She has horrible taste in men. She walks off, and Seifer gets up with a new plan. We let him run off, and Q comes in to tell us Seifer has kidnapped Rinoa. And with that, we're asked to change disks! Normally, I'd call it a night, but there's one more thing we need to do!

We see Seifer offer Adel, still in her cell, Rinoa. Rinoa protests, but Seifer is evil. A battle breaks out, and there's a gimmick here. Rinoa is fused with Adel. Occasionally, Adel will drain Rinoa of her HP and attack us. None of her moves are painful, even Ultima, so keeping Rinoa alive is your primary obstacle. I don't know Adel's sex, either, so don't worry about it.

We win, and Laguna and Ellone enter the room. Ellone begins the plan, and it goes perfectly! Even seeing it in action doesn't clear it up, though. We fall into a world of bubbles that replay our past experiences until we reach the sea. We're reminded to think about each other, or we won't survive TC. As we fall, we have to fight a number of "Sorceress," all of whom die in one hit and can be mugged for high level stones. Whenever they spawn in, the battlefield changes to variopus areas we've been, which is cool. Especially since I skipped most of them. Timber has the best stage. We'll come to Edea's Orphanage, but it's pretty much empty. Head towards the lighthouse to transition to the future. Several bodies of White SeeDs lay around us because SeeDs have been fighting sorceresses for millennia. We walk the chain to a massive castle that makes Dracula jealous until the rest of the party catches up. We enter the keep and are told our battle options have been sealed. We can't summon, use items or magic, or perform any special abilities until we find a boss and break the seal. We can't even Draw! Our junctions still work, so we'll be hacking our way through the final dungeon...

...tomorrow!

I'm finally at the end!