From one of the newest games I'm likely to play to one of the oldest. The Legend of Zelda: Link to the Past is a game my neighbor had when we were kids. I played a little of it and had a lot of fun with it, but I never beat it. There’s something about the Dark World that stops me in my tracks. For this series of blog updates, I’m gonna do something wild. There isn’t a tremendous amount of plot and storytelling in the game, as far as I remember, so what if I made my writings a first person diary? There’s more dungeon crawling and exploration in this game, so my norma, boring methods would get even more redundant than usual. With this, I might be able to make it more fun and worth reading. At the very least, it’s different.
"Dear Diary
I got woken up in the middle of the night today. Lame, I know. Some girl named Zelda told me she’s trapped in the dungeon of the castle, and it's been taken over by a wizard named Agahnim. Apparently, my uncle heard it too, as he went out. He told me to stay here, but Zelda sounds hot, so I went after her. She told me about a side passage that leads into the castle. I don't how she's telling me this, but love be damned!
Because I’m such a great ninja, I sneaked past the elite palace guards. Pretty good a trainee landscaper, yeah? Inside the secret passage is uncle Alfon. He scolds me for coming and isn’t looking very well. He quickly changes tone and hands me his sword and shield. He tells me to save Zelda, as if I needed a reminder, and tells me she’s my something. He falls asleep before finishing the sentence. Must have been a sleep spell cast by Anagram, or whatever his name was. If Anadaldo thinks he can stop me like my old uncle, he’s gonna be in a surprise.
I continue to walk through the castle until...until I kill a man. I killed a man today. It was terrifying....but he dropped money. I like money. I keep on getting on until I find a small chest. Now, usually, I wouldn’t waste my time on a small chest since I'm all about large chests (if ya know what I mean), but I did this time. Inside was a boomerang. I loved playing with this as a kid since it always hurt my hand. That’s, probably, why uncle took it away, but why did he leave it here. ...idiot. The boomerang hurts the super elite soldiers more than my hand, and it gives me time to get their money. I keep fighting hordes of looters downward until I reach the jail cells. After I beat up the guard and his stupid flail, which I did with ease, I free Zelda from her cell. Good golly was she pretty. I’ll be honest, I was a little tongue tied when I saw her. Yeah, I’ll say it, I’m modest like that. I think she’s into the shy kind, so I might keep the act up. I thought things were gonna go forward, but she said she needed to get out of here. It was a little annoying but probably smart. So she’s hot and smart; just how I like my women. She told me there was another exit behind the throne room, so we headed there.
As I valiantly protected her from those who wanted to do her harm, we eventually got to the throne room. At the back of the wall was a shelf. I, totally, didn’t need her help, but she helped move it anyway. Behind the shelf were the sewers. Why are the sewers behind the throne room? This castle doesn’t have running water, so why is this here? Rich people, man.
As we walked through the sewers, killing rats and bats, I wonder why the light goes out so fast here. I got a torch earlier and used it to make the sconces shine, but they don’t last long. Regardless, as we got to the end of the place, we come to the Sanctuary and some old guy. I think the Sanctuary is the church, but I'm not into the whole religion thing. I'm too much of a free thinker. I thought Zelda would as gonna thank me a little more, but the old dude killed the mood. Instead, they told me I’m a descendant of some ancient warriors. Uncle reminded me of our patented spin attack after we gave me his sword. Did that move come from these ancient guys? Also, how do they know that? Bleh. They told me to talk to the Kaikariko Village elder and ask about The Master Sword, so off I headed there. More stupid old guys...
In the village, people called the guards on me! I’m the good guy, morons. Most of the people recognized that, but those two people are going to jail when Zelda and I get married. I also raided some bandit hideout. Blind sucks as a leader. I eventually find the elder’s kid, and he tells me he’s hiding out in the east ruins. Much be spry for an old guy. When I go across the entire country, I see a man named Sara. Ha! That’s a girl's name! He tells me about the three magic necklaces because he’s really into girl stuff. The first place is just east of here.
I can’t believe I’m doing this. Skeletons! How are skeletons in here? Didn’t this use to be the palace of the kings? Skeletons!? Look, the giant chest is cool, I got some bombs, and the bow and arrow are rad, but I almost died fighting undead monsters. Like, what? And at the bottom of it all was a giant knight who that make copies of himself. Sure, he didn’t hit me at all, and the bow and arrow made quick work of him, but all of this for a necklace? Sure, the Pegasus Boots Sara gave me are sweet, so maybe it evens out. He told me about something east of the lake, but whatever. I’m a free grown man, so I walked around for a while. I found a book filled with old words and the Master Sword! It broke pretty fast, so that’s gonna be an awkward conversation with my girlfriend later. But, yo, get a load of this: I found a Giant Fairy! And she was super into me. I think I’ve got two ladies wanting me, man. And do you know why all the ladies love Link? Because...
- Lady Loving, Link.
PS: I don't care about the seven sages or the golden land, but don't tell anyone. Okay? "
I regret naming him Link. It’s gonna ruin all future Zelda playthroughs.
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