Am I a bunny?

"Dear Diary,

I followed up on some of the things the peasants told me about. East of the lake was the cave Sara informed me of. I had to bomb my way in, which was cool, and inside was an Ice Rod. Talk about useless! While I was in the area, I kept traveling west into the desert.

I got attacked by vultures and some really creepy dude who’s obsessed with his sign. Once I got to the temple, I found a rock with ancient words on it. It's a good thing I had that book at had to translate. It told me to wish to enter. That’s what I’ve been trying to do with Zelda. Ehehehe. The three gargoyles blocking the entrance moved around the dais and let me in. Inside are more skeletons, and these nerds throw their bones at me. Is this what it’s like to be a woman? Always having unwanted bones thrown at you? Not only is it filled with skeletons, but it’s also filled with sand. I hate sand. It’s coarse and gets everywhere. Seriously, this place wasn’t fun. Statues kept shooting lasers at me, and bugs kept rising from the sand. What was this place, and why did it exist? Halfway through the place, though, was a super rad thingy. I was already probably the strongest man in the world, but I found a Power Glove inside. It makes me even more stronger, and I can now lift giant rocks scattered throughout the land. Zelda is gonna be so impressed! I keep digging deeper until I find three giant worms.

These guys shoot out through the ground and spray rocks at me when they do. It’s not fair! Three-on-one is lame! Do you know how hard it is to dodge twelve rocks at a time? Very. Fortunately, I found fairy girls who don’t mind being in bug jars to help me. Don’t ask why I have girls in bottles. You’re being creepy! So, okay, it’s three-on-three, I guess. I mean, I won, so it was super fair. After they died, I got another necklace. Cool?

I didn’t want to be seen carrying around these necklaces, but I wanted to see what a villager was talking about when he said something lives at the start of the river. Walking through the shallow portions in the river and avoiding the spitting fish, I came to King Zora. Tor 500 rupees, he sold me some flippers! I think he price gouged me, but I didn’t want to fight. I would have won, but why expend the effort? The flippers now allow me to swim. Micheal Fhilb ain’t got nothing on me! I also found some heart pieces lying around the world. I don’t know why they’re there, but they’re mine now.

Sick of carrying around girly necklaces, I go climbing Death mountain in the north. I meet another old dude lost in the dark caves, and I escort him to his house. He tells me Angrim has kidnapped seven women, for reasons I didn’t pay attention to. All I heard was seven women, and I was in. I wonder if they’re prettier than Zelda? Anyway, he gives me a mirror because I need more dumb stuff. I keep climbing and avoid the falling rocks until I step on a blue square. I’m teleported somewhere else, and I’m suddenly a bunny! Why am I a rabbit? ...I wonder if I could have confused Zelda into cuddling with me... Shocked and appalled, I look at myself in the mirror and am teleported back. I’m on the other side of a cliff with the Tower of Hera nearby.

The tower is pretty chill, actually. The jello mobs are tough, but they’re slow. Push them down the holes all around the place. The thing to pay attention to is the switches laying around. They turn on and off the walls scattered around the floors. At the top of the place is a giant worm. It’s slow and annoying, but not really a worthy opponent. He just kept pushing me down the hole! What a coward! I got my steps in climbing those stairs 9000 times, and, boy, are my thighs burning. I’m looking good, though. Once I managed to get four hits in with uncle's sword, I found the last necklace.

I went back to the forest where I found the fake Master Sword before and wandered into a field filled with animals. They guided me to a sword on a plinth. The rock in front of it told me, in the old words, that this is the real Master Sword! And I pulled it out! That’s right, I’m the hero! H. E. R. O. Deal with it.

As I walked out of the woods, I heard Zelda’s voice again. She told me soldiers have found her in the church! Bro, that’s my girl! I went straight to Sanctuary and found the old guy lying on the ground. He told me he tried to protect Zelda but failed. They took her back to the castle.

Unfortunately, he died in my hands. This man tried to protect my girlfriend and died for it. Brother, I will avenge you. I’m coming, Zelda!

- Link"

Face turn?