The Classics Suck!

Metroid is one half of the Metroidvania genre. It's also the worst half of the Metroidvania genre. I don't want to spend a lot of time unfondly remembering this experience, so let's get to the review.

Plot: none. There is a handful of spoken (which was cool) dialogue at the start to set up the interim of Metroid 2 and Super, and that's it. Once Samus realizes the space station is dead and her Metroid child was abducted, it's all gameplay. Nothing is explained, and nothing is resolved. Samus is boring, but at least she has a name, unlike the bosses. Stop reviving Ridley! 1/10

Gameplay: flawed. When the platforming works, the game is a lot of fun. I saw the appeal early on, but it quickly divulged into a rage sim. Samus over or under jumps too often (or not at all), shooting is a pain, and navigation becomes tedious. I got sick about halfway through, and I never felt rewarded. And don't get me started on using the space jump! Worst still, it's all too samey. And it physically hurt me! 5/10

Art: Nintendo. Nintendo doesn't mess around with graphics. 10/10

Music: it works. The soundtrack is mostly atmospheric and lacks melody. The battle themes are frantic, though, and fit. Without plot, there's no variety, and nothing stuck out to me. 8/10

Charm: terrible. The world is interconnected, but that's all SM has going for it. There are no NPCs or cute extras, and you'll ultimately need to play the same game if you replay it. And it can be beaten in less than four hours... 3/10

Negatives: plentiful. There are no warps, so navigation and backtracking are tedious. And guess what you'll need to do a lot in this genre? Platforming isn't as tight as it needs to be, quicksand slows you down, the space jump is frustrating, and boss fights are boring. Getting hit makes Samus invisible, and you don't know where you are. The best ending allows you to see Samus in a bikini. That's the only ending scene and a pointless sexualization of a woman. -17

I enjoyed Super Metroid for about four hours. I liked getting new upgrades and trodding new ground in old areas. But then I grew tired of the little negatives popping up too often. In the end, I hate this game. It's not fun, rewarding, or deep. I don't want to play another Metroid game, and I don't understand why this is considered a standard in gaming. The only good thing I can say about it is it makes me like Castlevania even more.

10/50; second worst game I've ever played.