It's a double feature.
I've always thought Mick Mars was the real talent in Mötley Crüe. Nikki's had the occasional great lyric, none of which are in their hits. Vince Neil is pretty limited vocally but is perfect for what he does. And Tommy has... plenty of charisma. But Mick's always been on. His rare guitar solo also sucks me in, and his riffs are the apex of hair metal. I've never been a fan of mainstream 80's metal, but Mötley Crüe was a rare exception. I was bummed when everything with them and Mara fell apart, but I was pretty giddy when Mars' solo album was announced.
And it was better than I expected.
Track one, "Loyal to the Lie," sets the show for the next forty minutes. It quickly amps up and rockets into a heavy riff that the Crüe would never do. And then it disappears? Despite being a solo album, Mick drops the guitar for the verses and lets the drums and bass guide us beneath the vocals. He returns for the build up to the chorus, which does give me hair metal vibes. And glam rock has some great hooks, so that's not a negative. There's a ten second guitar solo that I wish went further, but my favorite Mars' solo is from "Kickstart My Heart," so I'll take it. It just feels like it's about to get better but then flattens out. The lyrics tell of a bad relationship with someone who's lied the whole time and broken the writer. The video shows protest footage (maybe real, maybe fake), so maybe there's more meaning?
Mars pretends to be Jerry Cantrell on "Broken on the Inside." The singer, Jacob Bunton, dirties up his voice to sing of a woman named Molly, who may not be a great person. The grunge vibes die off and give way to a mock black metal scream before we Five Finger Death Punch back to Molly. Molly is "out of time." Verse two indicates Molly (or someone new) is a hitman, but the chorus isn't changed. The solo is more what I'd expect from Mars, but it only mimics the chorus melody. It also stops abruptly. The first (second and third) time I heard this song, the hard drive crashing sounds scared me. Mick said this, along with a few others, is about people draining you. I'm sensing a theme...
Every 80's rocker needs a song called "Alone." As you could expect, this is a power ballad. But it's got a bunch of power! It starts with a sad piano, but a typical guitar for the genre doesn't let it last long. But it's the bass that takes my attention. There's a slow fade back to the piano and then to the end without a fun crescendo, which fits the lyrics. It's about an aged person reflecting on their past and how it's left them all alone. This might be Bunton's best song, and it really shows his range.
"Killing Breed" is a fun title! Static heralds us to a church bell before we reach the dirtiest, grungiest lick of all time (tm). Lyrically, this is just "Alone" but louder. "I'm out of blood to bleed for the Killing Breed." The guitar solo is straight from the hair metal days, but it actually ends, so it's the best so far! A different singer, Brion Gamboa, sings here, but he's not much different from Bunton.
"Memories" is a strange one. There's no obvious guitar, so does Mars appear here? It's kinda cool in that sense, but why does Bunton have a slur? It didn't appear on other songs, but this is the cleanest his voice gets. It's a 3:39 sad piano track about a long lost love. I just get lost in that drunken slur, though, so this is definitely the weakest track. I've been enjoying Bunton so much, too.
"The Right Side of Wrong" is an early single. And it's clear why. The mellow nature is over, and it's back to heavy metal! Open strings, bay-bay! A song about a revolution also has the best vocal hook on the album. The way "Voices are calling; it's been so long." hit me just right. The solo is another "Kickstart My Heart" style, and I wish it were longer.
"Ready to Roll" is a bit generic rock. There's nothing that sets it apart from other other modern bands, and the lyrics are about how cool we are all. It's a perfectly fine song, but it does nothing to me. It's a great area rock tune.
Gambia returns for "Undone." It's a song about a broken relationship. It ended because of broken promises and words unsaid. Nothing's spectacular about it, but that grunge riff does some heavy lifting. It's not a metal song, but it's far from a power ballad.
"Ain't Going Back" sorta undoes all the talks of regret throughout the album. The writer has accepted his "deal with the devil" and is fine with where his life has taken him. The solo gives me light industrial metal vibes, but it's another build up to nothing part.
The final song, "LA Noir," is a pure instrument. It's nearly four minutes of Mars doing a blues inspired series of solos over his backing band having fun. You know I can't describe music, but I enjoyed this, and it's a fitting way to end the album.
---
Skill) Mick Mars' guitar solos leave a lot to desire, but there's something here. His riffs elsewhere are utterly amazing, and vocalist Jacob Bunton has me hooked. But I was really hoping for an amazing guitar clinic. 1/2
Variation) Mick tries his hands at grunge, rock, power ballads, and hair metal. There are a few tracks where the bass takes over, and Mick even goes away for a song. Even within the songs are plenty of things to keep you on your toes. 2/2
Bangers) Three, easy, but there are a few borderline ones. What a good album. 2/2
Replayability) I've listened to this album five times already, and I want to hunt down the music from the other dudes. 2/2
Extras) It's a cathartic album that totals ten songs over forty minutes. But those solos, man... 1/2
Total:8/10.
It's so close to being perfect, but there's something lacking in the experience. I love all the main guitar riffs, and they're something I wouldn't expect out of an 80's megastar. Mick is seventy two years old, in a lot of pain, and suing his former band. He didn't need to write this supper chuggy album, but I'm so glad he did.
Sunday, February 25, 2024
Friday, February 23, 2024
Amigo the Devil - Yours Until the War is Over
Lucy's least favorite musician!
Amigo the Devil comes into everyone's life. But it's in a way that you can't fully recall why. Has he always been there? And if best friend Danny hasn't blown into your town yet, just wait. He always does.
The man sings of despair as though it were pleasurable. The way he plays on the emotions of depression is like that of a modern day Leonardo da Vinci work of art. Even his love songs are unique. By simply saying the quiet parts out loud, he writes something everyone can find themselves in. "You're right, Amigo. I do hope my ex's husband dies!" And the magic he can play with a banjo and a mere seven notes. That's not to say it's all doom and gloom. He knows how to rise through the pain and fight away the demons. He's told us that, simply by waking up today, I'm already stronger than dead.
Is his new album up to snuff?
"Hanging by the Roots" kicks us off. It tells us two short stories. None of which have a happy ending. Story one is about a criminal who's hung to death. He looks at his daughter before remembering the words of his father. Story two is a bright young girl who finds "the Holy Spirit." We learn later that it's the alcoholic spirit. She kills herself. The final verse is about how vital trees are to us. And they also make good ways to kill people. The music is a bluesy guitar with a surf rock tone that plays whenever it feels like it overtop a few acoustic chords. It's typical Amigo the Devil fashion, and it all makes for an enchanting experience.
Tom Waits, probably, takes over for "It's All Gone." The raspy voice that repeats the chorus sounds just like the eccentric "changeling," and even the music mimicked him. The drums strike in a way that sounds off beat, and the guitar has to be out of tune, right? The lyrics give me nihilistic vibes. "The only death that's ever really worthless is the life without a story to tell." ends verse one. It's called back towards the end, but "tell" is replaced with "sell," which kinda hurts. Verse two is about the ease of becoming a cannibal, and the third is about the futility of being a mountain. "When empathy has all gone to hell; It's all gone."
"I'm Going to Heaven" reminds me that Amigo got a backing band for this album. This is probably his peppiest, loudest, and rockingest track because of it. It showcases Amigo's ability to play with the English language. It's another straight story starting with the death of a loved one. The writer tries to find salvation in ketamine and alcohol. Verse two tells us his love was murdered in the name of god, as was the killer who offed himself. The story keeps getting weirder, as the writer is adamant that he's going to heaven to "blow out his brains." He goes to hell and befriends "Lucy." He then gets to "knock down Heaven's door," and even god can't stop him "until the pearly gates are crimson." He meets god, who's 4'5", and informs him of the truth. The music begins to untune itself and fade away as the entire song is revealed to be a drug trip. "Who put the mean in ketamine?" At least the girl was alive. What a good country western track!
"The Mechanic" is the second single off the album. It's straightforward and about someone who promises to help fix another's life. Several allusions indicate that doesn't happen. "Like a dog that keeps whining but you love the sound. So you let it go hungry to hear it." Memories are thrown into a burning house to feed the flames. And the final words are "Used to be is all we've become."
"Last Night at a Texaco pt. 1" is another story. A group of people are out of drugs (but have plenty of Cher), but someone knows how to fix that. They rob a certain gas station, but it turns into a murder. They kidnap someone, steal their car, and head to Mexico. Where the HFIL is part two, Daniel?!?!
A "nice" musical piece, "Barrel and Staghorn," spits the album in twain. Interwoven, though, are emergency calls from 911...
"Agnes" is twelve lines long, but I have so many questions. It seems to be about someone proclaiming, "I'm yours..." repeatedly. It's even where the album name comes from. Four chords are played through a vintage radio's static filter. A choir of drunk angels comes in at the middle, and there's a broken xylophone that closes us out.
"Cannibal Within" was the first single, and it's primo Amigo. A terrifyingly damned banjo plays a few notes while the Devil sings about his woes. For starters, fentanyl. He always thought his biggest fear would be love related... Verse two is where it starts to connect with me. The depression hits, and he thinks about suicide. But does he want to die with Hotel California on the radio? The chorus is about how it all makes us hate ourselves until we're eaten by the hate.
"The Garden of Leaving" is about the worst feeling in the world. A couple just had a child, but it died the day it was born. The song tells about the grief process of losing a kid. Lucy doesn't want me to listen to this again.
"Virtue and Vitriol" makes me wonder if this is part two of the Mechanic? It talked about the past and how this relationship sucked. It could just be about a generic abusive relationship that's causing the writer to consider suicide. The sad acoustic guitar plays melancholic chords on the lower end of the fretboard. A chello and/or violin joins in from time to time, and the guitar picks up towards the end. There's also backing vocals (not doubled), which is really weird.
"One Day at a Time" is a peppy song about killing yourself. Vintage Amigo the Devil! A loved one dies, and the survivor ruins their life in grief. They burn the house down, bankrupt their businesses, and blackout at Applebees. The writer happily reminisces about their meeting, but that's not important. The song gets even more upbeat at the end when the lyrics get darker. Why are we clapping? And why is he singing Enya?!
"Stray Dog" is the worst song on the album, but only because I really like the older, unplugged version. It's a genuinely happy song that also makes me think of the Mechanic. Someone tried to fix the writer, and they let them because "I'm only trying to give you the purpose you need." But the writer hasn't fully bought in. All they want to do is "run around the country and chase the postal trucks down.". But they want to do that with the other person. They look up to the sky and think about becoming a bird. They want to fly, but they'd rather have a reason to stay. In the end, everyone howls like a stray dog. I don't enjoy this version as much, but I do find the idea of howling with friends to be hilarious. Ultimately, the older version is still around, so all this is is a different take. I can enjoy both at my leisure. I don't know if this song alludes to suicide, but thank you, Lucy, for being my reason to stay.
"Closer" is another track Lucy won't let me listen to again. The music is just atmospheric as friend Danny does a spoken word story about a woman who made a throwaway line about life being too long, but it can be shorter... The cashier informs her their son did that. This shocks the woman, who spends the next few minutes pondering the meaning of life. What does it mean to win? What is the human condition spiral? What is doubt? It never ends.
And with that, another Amigo the Devil album journey ends...
---
Skill) Across the lyrics, guitars, and banjos, Danny knows his stuff. It all wraps itself around each other to make something mind altering that my super ego hates. 2/2
Variation) Happy, sad, slow, fast. The topics change, but the power remains the same. 2/2
Bangers) Three. 2/2
Replayability) I love you, Lucy, but your taste in music sucks. Amigo the Devil writes songs that you're (the royal you) always gonna return to. Even if you don't want to... 2/2
Extra) It's thirteen tracks at forty five minutes, but there is part two of Texaco!!!??? I'll let it play out and wait... I might be overthinking this, but I like the loosely connected Mechanic saga, and the new backing band adds a lot to Amigo the Devil. I was skeptical at first, after hearing the Red Rocks concert, but I should be still and know. 2/2
Total Score: 10/10
Yours Until the End is our first perfect album of the year. The way Danny Kiranos writes about depression and death is as haunting as one can get. His wordplay rivals that of any poet of old, and his banjo/guitar skills play to his strengths. If you can handle the despair, he'll be a permanent part of your playlist. This album grows whatever it is he's got that no one else can match. Long live the murderfolk.
Amigo the Devil comes into everyone's life. But it's in a way that you can't fully recall why. Has he always been there? And if best friend Danny hasn't blown into your town yet, just wait. He always does.
The man sings of despair as though it were pleasurable. The way he plays on the emotions of depression is like that of a modern day Leonardo da Vinci work of art. Even his love songs are unique. By simply saying the quiet parts out loud, he writes something everyone can find themselves in. "You're right, Amigo. I do hope my ex's husband dies!" And the magic he can play with a banjo and a mere seven notes. That's not to say it's all doom and gloom. He knows how to rise through the pain and fight away the demons. He's told us that, simply by waking up today, I'm already stronger than dead.
Is his new album up to snuff?
"Hanging by the Roots" kicks us off. It tells us two short stories. None of which have a happy ending. Story one is about a criminal who's hung to death. He looks at his daughter before remembering the words of his father. Story two is a bright young girl who finds "the Holy Spirit." We learn later that it's the alcoholic spirit. She kills herself. The final verse is about how vital trees are to us. And they also make good ways to kill people. The music is a bluesy guitar with a surf rock tone that plays whenever it feels like it overtop a few acoustic chords. It's typical Amigo the Devil fashion, and it all makes for an enchanting experience.
Tom Waits, probably, takes over for "It's All Gone." The raspy voice that repeats the chorus sounds just like the eccentric "changeling," and even the music mimicked him. The drums strike in a way that sounds off beat, and the guitar has to be out of tune, right? The lyrics give me nihilistic vibes. "The only death that's ever really worthless is the life without a story to tell." ends verse one. It's called back towards the end, but "tell" is replaced with "sell," which kinda hurts. Verse two is about the ease of becoming a cannibal, and the third is about the futility of being a mountain. "When empathy has all gone to hell; It's all gone."
"I'm Going to Heaven" reminds me that Amigo got a backing band for this album. This is probably his peppiest, loudest, and rockingest track because of it. It showcases Amigo's ability to play with the English language. It's another straight story starting with the death of a loved one. The writer tries to find salvation in ketamine and alcohol. Verse two tells us his love was murdered in the name of god, as was the killer who offed himself. The story keeps getting weirder, as the writer is adamant that he's going to heaven to "blow out his brains." He goes to hell and befriends "Lucy." He then gets to "knock down Heaven's door," and even god can't stop him "until the pearly gates are crimson." He meets god, who's 4'5", and informs him of the truth. The music begins to untune itself and fade away as the entire song is revealed to be a drug trip. "Who put the mean in ketamine?" At least the girl was alive. What a good country western track!
"The Mechanic" is the second single off the album. It's straightforward and about someone who promises to help fix another's life. Several allusions indicate that doesn't happen. "Like a dog that keeps whining but you love the sound. So you let it go hungry to hear it." Memories are thrown into a burning house to feed the flames. And the final words are "Used to be is all we've become."
"Last Night at a Texaco pt. 1" is another story. A group of people are out of drugs (but have plenty of Cher), but someone knows how to fix that. They rob a certain gas station, but it turns into a murder. They kidnap someone, steal their car, and head to Mexico. Where the HFIL is part two, Daniel?!?!
A "nice" musical piece, "Barrel and Staghorn," spits the album in twain. Interwoven, though, are emergency calls from 911...
"Agnes" is twelve lines long, but I have so many questions. It seems to be about someone proclaiming, "I'm yours..." repeatedly. It's even where the album name comes from. Four chords are played through a vintage radio's static filter. A choir of drunk angels comes in at the middle, and there's a broken xylophone that closes us out.
"Cannibal Within" was the first single, and it's primo Amigo. A terrifyingly damned banjo plays a few notes while the Devil sings about his woes. For starters, fentanyl. He always thought his biggest fear would be love related... Verse two is where it starts to connect with me. The depression hits, and he thinks about suicide. But does he want to die with Hotel California on the radio? The chorus is about how it all makes us hate ourselves until we're eaten by the hate.
"The Garden of Leaving" is about the worst feeling in the world. A couple just had a child, but it died the day it was born. The song tells about the grief process of losing a kid. Lucy doesn't want me to listen to this again.
"Virtue and Vitriol" makes me wonder if this is part two of the Mechanic? It talked about the past and how this relationship sucked. It could just be about a generic abusive relationship that's causing the writer to consider suicide. The sad acoustic guitar plays melancholic chords on the lower end of the fretboard. A chello and/or violin joins in from time to time, and the guitar picks up towards the end. There's also backing vocals (not doubled), which is really weird.
"One Day at a Time" is a peppy song about killing yourself. Vintage Amigo the Devil! A loved one dies, and the survivor ruins their life in grief. They burn the house down, bankrupt their businesses, and blackout at Applebees. The writer happily reminisces about their meeting, but that's not important. The song gets even more upbeat at the end when the lyrics get darker. Why are we clapping? And why is he singing Enya?!
"Stray Dog" is the worst song on the album, but only because I really like the older, unplugged version. It's a genuinely happy song that also makes me think of the Mechanic. Someone tried to fix the writer, and they let them because "I'm only trying to give you the purpose you need." But the writer hasn't fully bought in. All they want to do is "run around the country and chase the postal trucks down.". But they want to do that with the other person. They look up to the sky and think about becoming a bird. They want to fly, but they'd rather have a reason to stay. In the end, everyone howls like a stray dog. I don't enjoy this version as much, but I do find the idea of howling with friends to be hilarious. Ultimately, the older version is still around, so all this is is a different take. I can enjoy both at my leisure. I don't know if this song alludes to suicide, but thank you, Lucy, for being my reason to stay.
"Closer" is another track Lucy won't let me listen to again. The music is just atmospheric as friend Danny does a spoken word story about a woman who made a throwaway line about life being too long, but it can be shorter... The cashier informs her their son did that. This shocks the woman, who spends the next few minutes pondering the meaning of life. What does it mean to win? What is the human condition spiral? What is doubt? It never ends.
And with that, another Amigo the Devil album journey ends...
---
Skill) Across the lyrics, guitars, and banjos, Danny knows his stuff. It all wraps itself around each other to make something mind altering that my super ego hates. 2/2
Variation) Happy, sad, slow, fast. The topics change, but the power remains the same. 2/2
Bangers) Three. 2/2
Replayability) I love you, Lucy, but your taste in music sucks. Amigo the Devil writes songs that you're (the royal you) always gonna return to. Even if you don't want to... 2/2
Extra) It's thirteen tracks at forty five minutes, but there is part two of Texaco!!!??? I'll let it play out and wait... I might be overthinking this, but I like the loosely connected Mechanic saga, and the new backing band adds a lot to Amigo the Devil. I was skeptical at first, after hearing the Red Rocks concert, but I should be still and know. 2/2
Total Score: 10/10
Yours Until the End is our first perfect album of the year. The way Danny Kiranos writes about depression and death is as haunting as one can get. His wordplay rivals that of any poet of old, and his banjo/guitar skills play to his strengths. If you can handle the despair, he'll be a permanent part of your playlist. This album grows whatever it is he's got that no one else can match. Long live the murderfolk.
Sunday, February 18, 2024
Mini-review: Illumishade - Another Side of You
Disney Djent!
It was a slow week before a coming storm, so I took a swing at something I've never heard before. The early singles enticed me with the vocal allure of Fabienne Erni. Wikipedia informs me she started the band to earn her master's degree, and I hope she got it.
Another Side of You features several types of metal sub genres playing beneath that amazing voice. Erni sings like a Disney princess, which might be the reason they covered a song from Frozen 2 a few years ago. It's so smooth and pleasant, and even the soft Meshuggah guitars beneath it don't distract us from her. They keep the Disney sounds by being such a happy band. Many of the lyrics speak of love, community, and a happy future. Who does that any more? Much of the music accompaniment is peppy to match that, and one song even gives me Alicia Keys but loud vibes. The last half of the album gets a bit sadder, but it also becomes excessively 80's power ballad esq. Oh, and there's a theremin!
Skill: That voice is amazing, and the musicians are no slouches, either. 2/2
Variation: Djent, power, symphonic, power ballads, piano pop! There's even a song in (I assume) Swiss. 2/2
Bangers: Track one is certified! 1/2
Replayability: There are a few too many tracks, and the middle section kinda hampers it down for me. Keep in mind that I hate peppy songs. I kinda want to hear their first album, though. 1/2
Extra: Fourteen tracks comes out to just under an hour. I can't explain why, but most of this album didn't connect with me. It starts to pop on a second listen, but there's something lacking here. 1/2
Final Score: 7/10
Illumishade's second album is an eclectic mesh of a lot of things. Maybe that's why I'm not as high as I want to be on Another Side of You. But it's still a really fun experience that might be a good introduction to metal. It's definitely worth a listen or two.
It was a slow week before a coming storm, so I took a swing at something I've never heard before. The early singles enticed me with the vocal allure of Fabienne Erni. Wikipedia informs me she started the band to earn her master's degree, and I hope she got it.
Another Side of You features several types of metal sub genres playing beneath that amazing voice. Erni sings like a Disney princess, which might be the reason they covered a song from Frozen 2 a few years ago. It's so smooth and pleasant, and even the soft Meshuggah guitars beneath it don't distract us from her. They keep the Disney sounds by being such a happy band. Many of the lyrics speak of love, community, and a happy future. Who does that any more? Much of the music accompaniment is peppy to match that, and one song even gives me Alicia Keys but loud vibes. The last half of the album gets a bit sadder, but it also becomes excessively 80's power ballad esq. Oh, and there's a theremin!
Skill: That voice is amazing, and the musicians are no slouches, either. 2/2
Variation: Djent, power, symphonic, power ballads, piano pop! There's even a song in (I assume) Swiss. 2/2
Bangers: Track one is certified! 1/2
Replayability: There are a few too many tracks, and the middle section kinda hampers it down for me. Keep in mind that I hate peppy songs. I kinda want to hear their first album, though. 1/2
Extra: Fourteen tracks comes out to just under an hour. I can't explain why, but most of this album didn't connect with me. It starts to pop on a second listen, but there's something lacking here. 1/2
Final Score: 7/10
Illumishade's second album is an eclectic mesh of a lot of things. Maybe that's why I'm not as high as I want to be on Another Side of You. But it's still a really fun experience that might be a good introduction to metal. It's definitely worth a listen or two.
Friday, February 16, 2024
Laura Jane Grace - Hole in My Head
I'm not as into punk as I was in high school, but there are a few bands and musicians that I'm on the lookout for. Anything 'Against Me!' is one of them.
Other people are more suited to talk about what Laura Jane Grace has been through, and it's been said a hundred times, so I'll just skip the fun parts.
'Against Me!' drew my attention through their driving guitar riffs and thought provoking lyrics. I don't agree with everything they've written, as I'm not an anarchist, but their songs about religious abuse or drug issues resonate with me. I don't do drugs, but they're hella heavy tracks. The record that really dragged me in was Transgender Dysphoria Blues, which is odd because I'm not trans. I might be ace, but I don't think that counts. I do like to think I'm an ally, but does basic human respect count as being on one's side?
But that was the past!
Laura Jane Grace has been pretty prolific since the world ended. 'Against Me!' started writing a new album, but that fell through. Instead, she wrote her first solo album. And then an EP came out. I haven't listened to either of them because I'm a fake fan! And now we're up to her newest release, Hole In My Head. Several singles were released ahead of time, but I skipped them so as not to spoil anything. Upon first listen, I think that was a good call!
Track one is the title track, "Hole In My Head." Verse one is about how sex is a "chore." The second is how "the scene" isn't the best place to be. The chorus is a repeating line "I need a hole in my head" ad naseum until we hear "I won't learn to feel less" interrupts. I originally thought this track was about a failed relationship. Grace got divorced shortly after coming out, but I've read that was amicable. The final section is a growth from the "won't learn to feel less" part, which makes me think this might be a song about overcoming general pain and being yourself. The music is three chords played for all 1:42, but it's peppy!
"I'm Not a Cop" sounds like a song The Ramones would write if they were a rockabilly group instead. Lyrically, it's pretty obvious what it's about. Grace isn't a cop. Assuming she's still punk as funk, this is an idea she's happy to proclaim. It also mentions stuff I don't really understand about Los Angeles, but I have to assume the song, as a whole, is about learning as you grow and experience things. Maybe you discover and realize good things, like you're not a cop. Perhaps it's stuff that's unimportant, like this city isn't so bad after all? I laughed at the section with the stereotypical "you gotta tell me you're a cop" bit. "Don't be a cop."
"Dysphoria Hoodie" is something I can fully understand. The simple folk-punk acoustic guitar plays beneath an ode to the almighty hooded sweatshirt my generation dons constantly. The hoodie makes us feel safe and warm when everything around us sucks. I don't get the "help me Jesus" part, but maybe that's just a joke over my head? I should probably wash my USU hoodie more often. I miss my Undertaker hoodie from high school...
"Birds Talk Too" is something I can't get my head around. It references a bar and grill chain in Chicago (Rookies), the Amsterdam airport, and some drug and alcohol references. And where would be a strange place to play Red Hot Chilli Peppers but would still play RHCP? I wonder if this is a personal story about a moment (or four weeks)? The calling vocals make this sound like a good time, but you can't be sure. I'd talk about the music, but it's a guitar and drum playing six notes for two minutes.
A two minute song happily recalling playing "Punk Rock in Basements" is an apt title for the lyrics. As someone who once played punk in a basement, this resonates with me. I have no idea what Klint was yelling.
"Cuffing Season" is an easy song to understand. It's about surrendering to what may come. If you're depressed, then just go do something. "Show me something/Make me feel I've never seen/felt before." The heaviest line is, "If you're not afraid to die then ... proof it!" I think my therapist said something similar once. If you want to die, then what's the worst thing that can happen.
"Tacos and Toast" is a song not about tacos or toast. Grace has an inconsistent naming scheme. It's about a relationship that went poorly, and now the writer is regretting a lot of choices, mostly a tattoo.
"Mercenary" contains lyrics that give me abusive relationship vibes. The first verse depicts a person who looks like they were assaulted. The chorus alludes to being happily looted. This is the most complicated song in terms of composition so far. It begins with a single acoustic guitar but builds up into a rock anthem, oddly enough.
At 2:40, "Keep Your Wheels Straight" is the longest song on the album. Although the last six seconds are silence... This seems to be about someone depressed but trying to "keep the faith" that everything will be okay. But verse one is about a loved one parting at CBGBs while they're camping on their floor alone. But if they "keep the wheels straight," then Bon Jovi will come back! Considering the downbeat nature of the guitar, I have a bad feeling about this, though.
"Hard Feelings" is a song of regret. The writer knows they've messed up and even seems to have known it in the moment. The last lines about burning bridges while using them is the hard truth. The chorus states that "alcohol, weed, porn, and cocaine" are the downfall of it all. At least they admit to being an asshole?
"Give Up the Ghost" has two lyrical sections. But one is spoken once. The writer seems prepared to die, which is what "give up the ghost" means. But I think they're afraid of what their body will become. They don't want to become "an empty vessel. Just machine at the most." The middle part is about praying to god. They say they're ready there, too, but they're also not ready. Is Laura okay? I understand what's going on as someone who's been at rock bottom for as long as I have been. I want to die, and I've even prayed to god for a reason to keep living. I haven't found that, but here I am. I know LJG has tried suicide before transitioning, so I hope this is just an old thought.
And with that, I can finish my thoughts.
---
Skill: Folk punk is a strange genre for me. As a metal enthusiast, I find it odd that an entire song can be less than three minutes and contain one guitar riff. This happens quite a lot throughout the album. But the riffs here work for what LJC wants. Regardless, it's enjoyable and great! 2/2
Variation: Short songs lead to another interesting click in my review process. How can there be a change of riffs and keys in a two minute song? At least every track is drastically different from others on the album. There are a number of fast paced punk songs, as well as plenty of mellow acoustic guitars. And the way Grrace can alter her vocal melody and spit out her stories hits differently. 1/2
Bangers: Zero right now, but keep 'em eye out for the future. 0/2
Replayability: I can praise short songs now because they make it easy to jump back into whenever. 2/2
Extras: Eleven tracks clock in at less than half an hour. As a kid, I'd feel so cheated if I bought an album that can be played in its eternity on my walk to school. Now, though, in the time of streaming, there's nothing wrong with it, and I'll take a shorter experience than one that runs too long. 2/2
Grand Total: 7/10
It's short and super sweet. I'd be shocked if I don't return to this randomly, either as a song or as a whole. I like 'Against Me!,' and I like sad acoustic songs. So I dig all of this.
Other people are more suited to talk about what Laura Jane Grace has been through, and it's been said a hundred times, so I'll just skip the fun parts.
'Against Me!' drew my attention through their driving guitar riffs and thought provoking lyrics. I don't agree with everything they've written, as I'm not an anarchist, but their songs about religious abuse or drug issues resonate with me. I don't do drugs, but they're hella heavy tracks. The record that really dragged me in was Transgender Dysphoria Blues, which is odd because I'm not trans. I might be ace, but I don't think that counts. I do like to think I'm an ally, but does basic human respect count as being on one's side?
But that was the past!
Laura Jane Grace has been pretty prolific since the world ended. 'Against Me!' started writing a new album, but that fell through. Instead, she wrote her first solo album. And then an EP came out. I haven't listened to either of them because I'm a fake fan! And now we're up to her newest release, Hole In My Head. Several singles were released ahead of time, but I skipped them so as not to spoil anything. Upon first listen, I think that was a good call!
Track one is the title track, "Hole In My Head." Verse one is about how sex is a "chore." The second is how "the scene" isn't the best place to be. The chorus is a repeating line "I need a hole in my head" ad naseum until we hear "I won't learn to feel less" interrupts. I originally thought this track was about a failed relationship. Grace got divorced shortly after coming out, but I've read that was amicable. The final section is a growth from the "won't learn to feel less" part, which makes me think this might be a song about overcoming general pain and being yourself. The music is three chords played for all 1:42, but it's peppy!
"I'm Not a Cop" sounds like a song The Ramones would write if they were a rockabilly group instead. Lyrically, it's pretty obvious what it's about. Grace isn't a cop. Assuming she's still punk as funk, this is an idea she's happy to proclaim. It also mentions stuff I don't really understand about Los Angeles, but I have to assume the song, as a whole, is about learning as you grow and experience things. Maybe you discover and realize good things, like you're not a cop. Perhaps it's stuff that's unimportant, like this city isn't so bad after all? I laughed at the section with the stereotypical "you gotta tell me you're a cop" bit. "Don't be a cop."
"Dysphoria Hoodie" is something I can fully understand. The simple folk-punk acoustic guitar plays beneath an ode to the almighty hooded sweatshirt my generation dons constantly. The hoodie makes us feel safe and warm when everything around us sucks. I don't get the "help me Jesus" part, but maybe that's just a joke over my head? I should probably wash my USU hoodie more often. I miss my Undertaker hoodie from high school...
"Birds Talk Too" is something I can't get my head around. It references a bar and grill chain in Chicago (Rookies), the Amsterdam airport, and some drug and alcohol references. And where would be a strange place to play Red Hot Chilli Peppers but would still play RHCP? I wonder if this is a personal story about a moment (or four weeks)? The calling vocals make this sound like a good time, but you can't be sure. I'd talk about the music, but it's a guitar and drum playing six notes for two minutes.
A two minute song happily recalling playing "Punk Rock in Basements" is an apt title for the lyrics. As someone who once played punk in a basement, this resonates with me. I have no idea what Klint was yelling.
"Cuffing Season" is an easy song to understand. It's about surrendering to what may come. If you're depressed, then just go do something. "Show me something/Make me feel I've never seen/felt before." The heaviest line is, "If you're not afraid to die then ... proof it!" I think my therapist said something similar once. If you want to die, then what's the worst thing that can happen.
"Tacos and Toast" is a song not about tacos or toast. Grace has an inconsistent naming scheme. It's about a relationship that went poorly, and now the writer is regretting a lot of choices, mostly a tattoo.
"Mercenary" contains lyrics that give me abusive relationship vibes. The first verse depicts a person who looks like they were assaulted. The chorus alludes to being happily looted. This is the most complicated song in terms of composition so far. It begins with a single acoustic guitar but builds up into a rock anthem, oddly enough.
At 2:40, "Keep Your Wheels Straight" is the longest song on the album. Although the last six seconds are silence... This seems to be about someone depressed but trying to "keep the faith" that everything will be okay. But verse one is about a loved one parting at CBGBs while they're camping on their floor alone. But if they "keep the wheels straight," then Bon Jovi will come back! Considering the downbeat nature of the guitar, I have a bad feeling about this, though.
"Hard Feelings" is a song of regret. The writer knows they've messed up and even seems to have known it in the moment. The last lines about burning bridges while using them is the hard truth. The chorus states that "alcohol, weed, porn, and cocaine" are the downfall of it all. At least they admit to being an asshole?
"Give Up the Ghost" has two lyrical sections. But one is spoken once. The writer seems prepared to die, which is what "give up the ghost" means. But I think they're afraid of what their body will become. They don't want to become "an empty vessel. Just machine at the most." The middle part is about praying to god. They say they're ready there, too, but they're also not ready. Is Laura okay? I understand what's going on as someone who's been at rock bottom for as long as I have been. I want to die, and I've even prayed to god for a reason to keep living. I haven't found that, but here I am. I know LJG has tried suicide before transitioning, so I hope this is just an old thought.
And with that, I can finish my thoughts.
---
Skill: Folk punk is a strange genre for me. As a metal enthusiast, I find it odd that an entire song can be less than three minutes and contain one guitar riff. This happens quite a lot throughout the album. But the riffs here work for what LJC wants. Regardless, it's enjoyable and great! 2/2
Variation: Short songs lead to another interesting click in my review process. How can there be a change of riffs and keys in a two minute song? At least every track is drastically different from others on the album. There are a number of fast paced punk songs, as well as plenty of mellow acoustic guitars. And the way Grrace can alter her vocal melody and spit out her stories hits differently. 1/2
Bangers: Zero right now, but keep 'em eye out for the future. 0/2
Replayability: I can praise short songs now because they make it easy to jump back into whenever. 2/2
Extras: Eleven tracks clock in at less than half an hour. As a kid, I'd feel so cheated if I bought an album that can be played in its eternity on my walk to school. Now, though, in the time of streaming, there's nothing wrong with it, and I'll take a shorter experience than one that runs too long. 2/2
Grand Total: 7/10
It's short and super sweet. I'd be shocked if I don't return to this randomly, either as a song or as a whole. I like 'Against Me!,' and I like sad acoustic songs. So I dig all of this.
A plea:
On the day of love, I offer a universal olive branch to everyone reading this. But mostly to a certain group...
Many of you need to consider the future of yourselves, your families, and your ideals. It's been three generations of failure, incompetence, and broken hearts. Now is the time to rethink all you've ever known. Now is the time you should jump ship...or bandwagons. Come! Join me on the Jordan Love bandwagon!
I say this out of fear. How long until, after a long day of work, you crawl into bed, look over at your significant other, give them a good night's kiss, and begin to utter your feelings for them. But you can't...
"I lo..."
Your spouse sees the dead look in your eyes as you stare off into the distance. They're not happy, but they understand and pull up the covers. They know the Bears suck. You remember all the times Jordan Love and the Packers beat your ass. The precision throws and the end zone dimes in dub after dub. The way he picked apart your defenses game after game. And the consistency of doing it for fifteen years. You'll never be able to tell your family that you love them without Vietnam flashbacks. The thought of uttering that man's name burns your brain and emotionally stunts you. And so your children grow up, never hearing you say how you really feel because you always think of Mr. Bad Man III.
Do you know who else never heard their parents say "I love you"? Me! And now I'm a 34-year-old unemployed virgin who still lives in his parents' basement. I'm on the verge of a third suicide attempt, have no desire to fix myself, and I'm madly in 10 with a stuffed animal. But at least I know what a HoF QB looks like! But I am only one possible future. There are so many more, but there's one, in particular, you should fear.
Your children will be in college or high school by the time the Packers think about changing QB1. Meanwhile, you're on the sixth draft bust in a roll. 24-61 since you were born. How long until they throw off the shackles you've forced upon them?
One day, your child will come home. They're having a bad day because the Bears lost again, and other parents stopped watching the team in Gary, Indiana lose. But not you. You're an embarrassment. For supper that night, you've planned a traditional Bear meal: crappy, ketchup-less hotdogs from Portillo's and homemade bratwurst. The brats used to bring your children happiness, but the weight of your football despair has wrought havoc on your cooking skills. The passion is gone, and now they remind your offspring they hate you. Out of anger, they retort at the worst thing you ever hoped to hear:
"I'm sick of sucking, mom and dad. I'm a Packers fan!"
The child's mother drops to her knees and wonders where she went wrong. She knows where she went wrong. She then stops being introspective and begins to yell at her child. The argument rages for some time.
But dear old dad gets off the couch. He's known this could happen for years. In fact, he even considered joining the bandwagon a decade ago and understands. But he couldn't. He remains silent and walks over to the Tesla Brand Robotic Bartender that comes standard with every Neulink implant.
Neulink killed three million people five years ago. Rather than admit defeat, Elon burned everything he owned down. But the bartender is still functioning. Dad asks for a whiskey, which the bartender instantly pours on the floor. It's Bears branded, so it only works between March and August, and we're already in the bleakest part of football season for Bear fans: mid October. Dad just stares at the whiskey on the ground and realizes it was actually bleach. The robot couldn't even get that right...
The argument behind him comes to a crescendo, and little Mitch/Justin/Caleb/Archie/Bahb storms out. He's going to college in Wisconsin. But he's not alone. Your daughter has agreed. The apple of your eye, Georgia/Yoko/Justina/Mackquelliegha-Rifle puts on the green and gold jacket that her loving boyfriend, Romeo, gave her and spends the night with her friend, whose parents relocated here from Door County.
All of this because you couldn't say "I love you" without thinking about Jordan Love.
The house falls quiet, and the only sound comes from the TV and WGN news. Their top story tonight is about the speech the 117-year-old Virginia McCaskey gave the media after another embarrassing loss last weekend.
"Lick my lips."
You think to yourself, "I should have listened to Shuck."
- Shuck, who Jordan Loves you all.
Many of you need to consider the future of yourselves, your families, and your ideals. It's been three generations of failure, incompetence, and broken hearts. Now is the time to rethink all you've ever known. Now is the time you should jump ship...or bandwagons. Come! Join me on the Jordan Love bandwagon!
I say this out of fear. How long until, after a long day of work, you crawl into bed, look over at your significant other, give them a good night's kiss, and begin to utter your feelings for them. But you can't...
"I lo..."
Your spouse sees the dead look in your eyes as you stare off into the distance. They're not happy, but they understand and pull up the covers. They know the Bears suck. You remember all the times Jordan Love and the Packers beat your ass. The precision throws and the end zone dimes in dub after dub. The way he picked apart your defenses game after game. And the consistency of doing it for fifteen years. You'll never be able to tell your family that you love them without Vietnam flashbacks. The thought of uttering that man's name burns your brain and emotionally stunts you. And so your children grow up, never hearing you say how you really feel because you always think of Mr. Bad Man III.
Do you know who else never heard their parents say "I love you"? Me! And now I'm a 34-year-old unemployed virgin who still lives in his parents' basement. I'm on the verge of a third suicide attempt, have no desire to fix myself, and I'm madly in 10 with a stuffed animal. But at least I know what a HoF QB looks like! But I am only one possible future. There are so many more, but there's one, in particular, you should fear.
Your children will be in college or high school by the time the Packers think about changing QB1. Meanwhile, you're on the sixth draft bust in a roll. 24-61 since you were born. How long until they throw off the shackles you've forced upon them?
One day, your child will come home. They're having a bad day because the Bears lost again, and other parents stopped watching the team in Gary, Indiana lose. But not you. You're an embarrassment. For supper that night, you've planned a traditional Bear meal: crappy, ketchup-less hotdogs from Portillo's and homemade bratwurst. The brats used to bring your children happiness, but the weight of your football despair has wrought havoc on your cooking skills. The passion is gone, and now they remind your offspring they hate you. Out of anger, they retort at the worst thing you ever hoped to hear:
"I'm sick of sucking, mom and dad. I'm a Packers fan!"
The child's mother drops to her knees and wonders where she went wrong. She knows where she went wrong. She then stops being introspective and begins to yell at her child. The argument rages for some time.
But dear old dad gets off the couch. He's known this could happen for years. In fact, he even considered joining the bandwagon a decade ago and understands. But he couldn't. He remains silent and walks over to the Tesla Brand Robotic Bartender that comes standard with every Neulink implant.
Neulink killed three million people five years ago. Rather than admit defeat, Elon burned everything he owned down. But the bartender is still functioning. Dad asks for a whiskey, which the bartender instantly pours on the floor. It's Bears branded, so it only works between March and August, and we're already in the bleakest part of football season for Bear fans: mid October. Dad just stares at the whiskey on the ground and realizes it was actually bleach. The robot couldn't even get that right...
The argument behind him comes to a crescendo, and little Mitch/Justin/Caleb/Archie/Bahb storms out. He's going to college in Wisconsin. But he's not alone. Your daughter has agreed. The apple of your eye, Georgia/Yoko/Justina/Mackquelliegha-Rifle puts on the green and gold jacket that her loving boyfriend, Romeo, gave her and spends the night with her friend, whose parents relocated here from Door County.
All of this because you couldn't say "I love you" without thinking about Jordan Love.
The house falls quiet, and the only sound comes from the TV and WGN news. Their top story tonight is about the speech the 117-year-old Virginia McCaskey gave the media after another embarrassing loss last weekend.
"Lick my lips."
You think to yourself, "I should have listened to Shuck."
- Shuck, who Jordan Loves you all.
Tuesday, February 13, 2024
Hey, mom, I'm an All Star!
A Super Mario All Star!
Super Mario All Stars (+ Super Mario World) is proof that video games have always been about ports and remasters. All Stars recreates the first three Mario games from the NES (including the lost levels) and somehow had enough room for World, which was released on the SNES three years prior. I don't understand 16-bit storage either! It updates the graphics to be more in line with the modern aesthetic, but they still have that 80s feel to them. What's most fun is this introduced Mario 2 to the West. We can now Doki Doki Panic! Besides the visuals, music had also been updated, as has "game physics." The ability to save within each game and bug fixes were also added. It really is the ultimate remake of the franchise's beginnings.
The plots of I, III, and World are largely the same thing we all know. The Koopa King, Bowser, kidnapped the heir to the Mushroom Kingdom, Princess Peach and/or Toadstool, and now some random plumber, who may or may not be a significant other, has to save her. But she's always in another castle... II has Mario, Luigi, Peach, and Toad have to beat up a toad named Wart and his army of transsexual birds named Birdo. There are a lot of Birdos. It's never explained in game why, though. Something about a dream and a world called Subcon (which my autocorrect wants to force to be subconscious)?
Either way, all four games have similar gameplay. Run right, jumping on the heads of your enemies until you find a castle. Rinse and repeat for two dozen levels. Levels are split into worlds, which theme what the player will see and, sometimes, game mechanics. Ice worlds are slippery! II is interesting in that we can pick one of the four characters, and they all play differently. Mario is bland, Luigi has a high jump, Peach can float, and Toad is...there. Rather than jump on the heads of your foes, you have to pick them up and throw them into other stuff or hit them with rutabagas. It's the most interesting of the games, but it drags on too long and is very repetitive. How many times did I have to throw Birdo's eggs back at them? World introduces us to Yoshi and all the fun antics he brings, which really helps to differentiate the game from its predecessors.
---
Plot: Barebones. It's a gameplay franchise, and the Bowser plot facilitates that. Even the characters are just shades of what they'd become. 5/10
Gameplay: responsible for our downfall. Would Nintendo be as big a thing without Mario? Fortunately, it's all amazing! It's fun, and I didn't want to put any of the games down. The theming works wonders, and all the levels feel different. 10/10
Sound: Iconic. Hot take: I'm not super into Koji Kondo. I don't think he's bad, by any stretch, but his stuff doesn't resonate with me. That being said, I have to acknowledge how fun and catchy so much of it is. "Reluctantly..." 10/10
Art: instantly recognizable. It's perfect, and I'm just here to add to the praise of the games at this point. 10/10
Charm: ...odd. What is the Mushroom Kingdom? Why are Toad? But the games are filled with enough fun stuff that only crazy people would ask that. 6/10
And thus, an all important remake that kicked off the rise of the global juggernaut gets a solid 41/50. Many of my issues aren't game breakers. And I only bring them up because I want everything to be a forty hour RPG. Anything else is unworthy of my time. *posh sound effect* Ultimately, Super Mario All Stars + Super Mario World is a must play for the sake of history and entertainment. It's a pretty basic platformer, but it's been the gold standard since 1985, and there are so many reasons why. Enjoy the journey!
Super Mario All Stars (+ Super Mario World) is proof that video games have always been about ports and remasters. All Stars recreates the first three Mario games from the NES (including the lost levels) and somehow had enough room for World, which was released on the SNES three years prior. I don't understand 16-bit storage either! It updates the graphics to be more in line with the modern aesthetic, but they still have that 80s feel to them. What's most fun is this introduced Mario 2 to the West. We can now Doki Doki Panic! Besides the visuals, music had also been updated, as has "game physics." The ability to save within each game and bug fixes were also added. It really is the ultimate remake of the franchise's beginnings.
The plots of I, III, and World are largely the same thing we all know. The Koopa King, Bowser, kidnapped the heir to the Mushroom Kingdom, Princess Peach and/or Toadstool, and now some random plumber, who may or may not be a significant other, has to save her. But she's always in another castle... II has Mario, Luigi, Peach, and Toad have to beat up a toad named Wart and his army of transsexual birds named Birdo. There are a lot of Birdos. It's never explained in game why, though. Something about a dream and a world called Subcon (which my autocorrect wants to force to be subconscious)?
Either way, all four games have similar gameplay. Run right, jumping on the heads of your enemies until you find a castle. Rinse and repeat for two dozen levels. Levels are split into worlds, which theme what the player will see and, sometimes, game mechanics. Ice worlds are slippery! II is interesting in that we can pick one of the four characters, and they all play differently. Mario is bland, Luigi has a high jump, Peach can float, and Toad is...there. Rather than jump on the heads of your foes, you have to pick them up and throw them into other stuff or hit them with rutabagas. It's the most interesting of the games, but it drags on too long and is very repetitive. How many times did I have to throw Birdo's eggs back at them? World introduces us to Yoshi and all the fun antics he brings, which really helps to differentiate the game from its predecessors.
---
Plot: Barebones. It's a gameplay franchise, and the Bowser plot facilitates that. Even the characters are just shades of what they'd become. 5/10
Gameplay: responsible for our downfall. Would Nintendo be as big a thing without Mario? Fortunately, it's all amazing! It's fun, and I didn't want to put any of the games down. The theming works wonders, and all the levels feel different. 10/10
Sound: Iconic. Hot take: I'm not super into Koji Kondo. I don't think he's bad, by any stretch, but his stuff doesn't resonate with me. That being said, I have to acknowledge how fun and catchy so much of it is. "Reluctantly..." 10/10
Art: instantly recognizable. It's perfect, and I'm just here to add to the praise of the games at this point. 10/10
Charm: ...odd. What is the Mushroom Kingdom? Why are Toad? But the games are filled with enough fun stuff that only crazy people would ask that. 6/10
And thus, an all important remake that kicked off the rise of the global juggernaut gets a solid 41/50. Many of my issues aren't game breakers. And I only bring them up because I want everything to be a forty hour RPG. Anything else is unworthy of my time. *posh sound effect* Ultimately, Super Mario All Stars + Super Mario World is a must play for the sake of history and entertainment. It's a pretty basic platformer, but it's been the gold standard since 1985, and there are so many reasons why. Enjoy the journey!
Saturday, February 10, 2024
Mini review: Infected Rain - Time
It's Otep.
I discovered Infected Rain around the time their first single off 'Time' was released to the Napalm Records YouTube page. It was around then I heard about other bands with lead singers who can growl, which Ignea taught me I'm hella into, so I made a note and looked out for this release.
The first thing I noticed about 'Time' is that it sounds a lot like Otep. A woman who can growl and sing, often doubled up to sound so clean that it sounds disturbing, and a backing band that mixes nü metal and general alt metal riffs. The lyrics are largely quite dark and depressing. The first song is about a love that leaves one person diminished. The next has us saying how we're all dying. But there are a couple of existential encouragement tracks.
---
Skill: Is it good? I'm not into this style, but I did enjoy the album overall. 1/2
Variation: Every song is largely the same, but there are a few key or tempo changes within songs. Lena Scissorhands has a huge range! 1/2
Bangers: 0/2
Replayability: I don't see myself coming back. 0/2
Extra: It's just under an hour, but the last stretch feels forever, and the lack of variation hurts. 1/2
Score: 3/10
If you like Otep, then check out Infected Rain. Personality, I'll stick with Lena's other act, Death Dealer Union.
I discovered Infected Rain around the time their first single off 'Time' was released to the Napalm Records YouTube page. It was around then I heard about other bands with lead singers who can growl, which Ignea taught me I'm hella into, so I made a note and looked out for this release.
The first thing I noticed about 'Time' is that it sounds a lot like Otep. A woman who can growl and sing, often doubled up to sound so clean that it sounds disturbing, and a backing band that mixes nü metal and general alt metal riffs. The lyrics are largely quite dark and depressing. The first song is about a love that leaves one person diminished. The next has us saying how we're all dying. But there are a couple of existential encouragement tracks.
---
Skill: Is it good? I'm not into this style, but I did enjoy the album overall. 1/2
Variation: Every song is largely the same, but there are a few key or tempo changes within songs. Lena Scissorhands has a huge range! 1/2
Bangers: 0/2
Replayability: I don't see myself coming back. 0/2
Extra: It's just under an hour, but the last stretch feels forever, and the lack of variation hurts. 1/2
Score: 3/10
If you like Otep, then check out Infected Rain. Personality, I'll stick with Lena's other act, Death Dealer Union.
Friday, February 9, 2024
Dead South - Chains and Stakes
Mr. Metal starts reviewing songs and chooses to begin with a non metal album. I am good at this.
According to Wikipedia, Dead South rose to prominence with their YouTube sensation In Hell I'll be in Good Company. I, too, became a fan of them when Al Gore's Rhythm brought them to me. I never could get a grasp on if they're a joke band or a legit bluegrass group. They have several heavy songs and covers, but one of the first songs I heard from them was about adamantly having sex with your cousin... But that's the past.
Chains and Stakes starts off the track "Blood on the Mind." The lyrics seem to be an interrogation of some sort. It begins with someone asking for an explanation. There's a lot of talk of dead bodies around a river bed and maybe a party. The chorus alludes that the drink was poisoned, and I guess the "music man" sucked. Musically, it's a quick paced banjo tune. I don't really know much about banjo picking, but its upbeat melody beguiles the lyrics. There's a fun little solo that fits, though. It's out of an old black and white jokey Halloween cartoon from Disney.
I somehow missed track two, "Yours To Keep," on my initial write up, so point and laugh. Good song, though.
"20 Mile Jump" is a quick campfire song about not listening to your wife. She asked you to get milk, but you can home drunk on bourbon, so you're not getting laid tonight. It's a minute and a half, and I'm sure it would be a riot to play with friends, ironically, while drunk. Especially that chorus!
"Where The Time Gone" is an instrumental. It's dark and somber, and it turns out I dig sad banjo music, too.
"Little Devil"...uh... Is this song about having sex with a hooker so good you find god? Or is it about drinking so much that you find god (in prison)? Rad?
"Son of Ambrose" is heartwarming. It tells the tale of a man named William Ambroseson and his life. How he was raised, went off to World War II, met a cute girl, and had five kids. But, of course, "well, life ain't always easy." But, "it's the best damn thing I ever done." It goes on until he dies, but he dies a happy man with a loving family who cherishes each other. It's nice, and I'm kinda jealous.
"Clemency" is another instrumental, much like before.
"Completely, Sweetly" sounds like "96 Quite Butter Beings" from CKY. I don't know why... And the ending is a bluegrass Judas Priest? The lyrics also confuse me as they're about someone dealing with a known liar. But they're prepared for this and actually thank them for their time? I'm confused, but I'm so intrigued! And I dig the bass voice of the singer.
"A Place I Hardly Know" is a slow but upbeat song about a drifter. He comes into town, makes "one night friends" while hiding from the snow, and powers through the hangover the next morning while moving on. I can see this song being the theme of a flawed but fan favorite good guy character in Sons of Anarchy.
"The Cured Contessa" is a great title. It's one of those joke songs, as it's about a hillbilly who needs to fry up bacon every morning to wake up his mom. Simple!
And now for something completely different. "Tiny Wooden Box" is about surviving a loved one. A friend goes off somewhere but returns in a tiny wooden box. The survivor/writer wonders why the fun times had to end. There's a painfully poignant part in the middle where the phrase "if time heals all" is repeated. It ends with the sentence, "Then why do I still feel this pain?"
"Vore" is similar to the other two instrumentals.
"Father John" is haunting. The banjo becomes a backing line as an old fashioned acoustic guitar takes the lead. It keeps a strong guiding beat the whole time. And that cello... It tells the story of a preacher who comes off a little odd/dirty. And the listener gets to know why. It was because he was a butcher on the other side of the mountains. It's a hell of a way to end the album.
---
Oh boy, let's hope the review system works!
Skill: I don't know much about banjo playing, but I enjoyed this album. And I know I can't pick that fast. 2/2
Variation: Many of the songs sound different, but all of the sounds are pretty straightforward. Does bluegrass have a lot of in song variety? 1/2
Bangers: Zero. Plenty of high quality music, regardless. Maybe this'll change over time? 0/2
Replayability: The Dead South is one of those bands that work for any mood. Just put them on and veg out. 2/2
Extras: It's less than forty minutes and a good continuation from previous albums. I'd love a concept album about Father John or William. 2/2
Final Score: 7/10
I've got this penciled in as my second favorite album of the year (six weeks in...), and the rating reflects that. Chains and Stakes isn't mindblowing, but it's fun and works whenever you want to call it up. It's solid, and 7/10 isn't a bad thing.
Yeah, it works.
According to Wikipedia, Dead South rose to prominence with their YouTube sensation In Hell I'll be in Good Company. I, too, became a fan of them when Al Gore's Rhythm brought them to me. I never could get a grasp on if they're a joke band or a legit bluegrass group. They have several heavy songs and covers, but one of the first songs I heard from them was about adamantly having sex with your cousin... But that's the past.
Chains and Stakes starts off the track "Blood on the Mind." The lyrics seem to be an interrogation of some sort. It begins with someone asking for an explanation. There's a lot of talk of dead bodies around a river bed and maybe a party. The chorus alludes that the drink was poisoned, and I guess the "music man" sucked. Musically, it's a quick paced banjo tune. I don't really know much about banjo picking, but its upbeat melody beguiles the lyrics. There's a fun little solo that fits, though. It's out of an old black and white jokey Halloween cartoon from Disney.
I somehow missed track two, "Yours To Keep," on my initial write up, so point and laugh. Good song, though.
"20 Mile Jump" is a quick campfire song about not listening to your wife. She asked you to get milk, but you can home drunk on bourbon, so you're not getting laid tonight. It's a minute and a half, and I'm sure it would be a riot to play with friends, ironically, while drunk. Especially that chorus!
"Where The Time Gone" is an instrumental. It's dark and somber, and it turns out I dig sad banjo music, too.
"Little Devil"...uh... Is this song about having sex with a hooker so good you find god? Or is it about drinking so much that you find god (in prison)? Rad?
"Son of Ambrose" is heartwarming. It tells the tale of a man named William Ambroseson and his life. How he was raised, went off to World War II, met a cute girl, and had five kids. But, of course, "well, life ain't always easy." But, "it's the best damn thing I ever done." It goes on until he dies, but he dies a happy man with a loving family who cherishes each other. It's nice, and I'm kinda jealous.
"Clemency" is another instrumental, much like before.
"Completely, Sweetly" sounds like "96 Quite Butter Beings" from CKY. I don't know why... And the ending is a bluegrass Judas Priest? The lyrics also confuse me as they're about someone dealing with a known liar. But they're prepared for this and actually thank them for their time? I'm confused, but I'm so intrigued! And I dig the bass voice of the singer.
"A Place I Hardly Know" is a slow but upbeat song about a drifter. He comes into town, makes "one night friends" while hiding from the snow, and powers through the hangover the next morning while moving on. I can see this song being the theme of a flawed but fan favorite good guy character in Sons of Anarchy.
"The Cured Contessa" is a great title. It's one of those joke songs, as it's about a hillbilly who needs to fry up bacon every morning to wake up his mom. Simple!
And now for something completely different. "Tiny Wooden Box" is about surviving a loved one. A friend goes off somewhere but returns in a tiny wooden box. The survivor/writer wonders why the fun times had to end. There's a painfully poignant part in the middle where the phrase "if time heals all" is repeated. It ends with the sentence, "Then why do I still feel this pain?"
"Vore" is similar to the other two instrumentals.
"Father John" is haunting. The banjo becomes a backing line as an old fashioned acoustic guitar takes the lead. It keeps a strong guiding beat the whole time. And that cello... It tells the story of a preacher who comes off a little odd/dirty. And the listener gets to know why. It was because he was a butcher on the other side of the mountains. It's a hell of a way to end the album.
---
Oh boy, let's hope the review system works!
Skill: I don't know much about banjo playing, but I enjoyed this album. And I know I can't pick that fast. 2/2
Variation: Many of the songs sound different, but all of the sounds are pretty straightforward. Does bluegrass have a lot of in song variety? 1/2
Bangers: Zero. Plenty of high quality music, regardless. Maybe this'll change over time? 0/2
Replayability: The Dead South is one of those bands that work for any mood. Just put them on and veg out. 2/2
Extras: It's less than forty minutes and a good continuation from previous albums. I'd love a concept album about Father John or William. 2/2
Final Score: 7/10
I've got this penciled in as my second favorite album of the year (six weeks in...), and the rating reflects that. Chains and Stakes isn't mindblowing, but it's fun and works whenever you want to call it up. It's solid, and 7/10 isn't a bad thing.
Yeah, it works.
Wednesday, February 7, 2024
Fetch Quest Simulator
I found a list of highest selling JRPG franchises a few days ago, and it was eye opening. Despite being popular with fans (allegedly), I've missed out on a lot of well known experiences. This year's resolution/saga is to check out all the biggest franchises I've never delved into. And today, we'll check out the third best on the list: Monster Hunter!
I can't play any of the newer and well regarded games, so I'll stick with the old go-to and boot up my (legit) PSP! I'm testing the waters with Monster Hunter Freedom! I jet past the cutscenes because I'm curious about the game...
The first thing we get to do is make our character. It's rare for JRPGs to have a character creator, so this is fun. As I usually do, I make a hot redhead and name them after my love (happy 34th anniversary), Lucy. Lucy gets out of bed, and I examine the chest in her room. It contains a variety of weapons to get you started on the adventure. The default is a sword of some kind, but I quickly sell it and whip out the spear!
I take a look around town and realize it's really tiny. There are four merchants: sundries, gear, gear enhancer, and a rare material lady. But, for now, speak to the village chief. He'll get you started on the basic gameplay loop that is MHF. You take a quest, find rare meat is the first, and then you go out to the field and do it. The field begins at camp, and there are basic necessities in a chest near the spawn point. From there, you head out to the world! It's inhabited by dinosaurs who aren't bothering you, but you have to kill them anyway for their meat. Combat is fat rolling in Dark Souls. You can also dig through a poop pile... Kill the creatures with your oversized and slow weapon, sheath it, and harvest your reward. Return to camp, interact with the second chest, and you've finished the quest!
And that's the game...?
Yep, that's the entire gameplay loop. Accept quest, go out, finish, and win to claim your rewards. Use those rewards to make better weapons and armor using items you've harvested from monsters, farm points, mine points, waste heaps, and quest rewards. You're also given a farm to help facilitate this. But why are we doing this?
There is no obvious point to all of this. The entire game is "do x because...." There's no big bad or stakes to be had. Your character is just some nobody. You can play this game with friends, which I'd bet is the main draw of it all. I can see how this would be so much fun to just go out and hunt giant dinosaurs and boars with friends. Solo, though, it's a pointless slog, and I'm not into it. I played three hours of Monster Hunter Freedom, got through the tutorial, fully decked out, and upgraded my spear three times. It's not clicking with me, and I doubt it will. Before I grow to hate this game and franchise, I'm just gonna head out.
---
Plot: none. Characters are empty slates, there are no stakes, and there is no plot. 0/10
Gameplay: too simple. Combat isn't anything expansive. There are no combo mechanics, at least not with the spear, magic system, or skill moves. The idea of gear upgrades is rad, but I suspect it'll become a tedious slog by mid game. 4/10
Sound: zero. Music is few and far between, but the chimes are kinda fun, and I'd probably like the farm song if I cared. 2/10
Art: the redemption. Monster Hunter Freedom looks absolutely gorgeous. The world is beautiful, the models are wonderful, and I get the feeling weapons and armor are all different. All on a PSP! Farming points can be hard to spot, though. 9/10
Charm: bias aside... The world is probably pretty cool, and it's all about exploration. There are a couple of cute animations, and the amount of weapons probably opens up repeatability paths. Sadly, NPCs are just as boring as you, and MHF isn't targeted at everyone. I'll be nice and assume the game length is good. 7/10
Negatives: grind. If you're not into the grind, this is gonna get tedious between finding the materials, getting the money, and having enough leftover to start another quest that isn't kill two peaceful lizards. And I think there are mandatory alchemy and potion making, a fragile weapon degradation system, and ...I'm bored. -5
In total, Monster Hunter Freedom for the PSP is a disappointing and terrible 17 out of 50. Maybe I just don't get it, but it's best I put this down now. It's a game franchise not for me, so don't hold this against me. I don't hate the game, so let's move on before I do.
I can't play any of the newer and well regarded games, so I'll stick with the old go-to and boot up my (legit) PSP! I'm testing the waters with Monster Hunter Freedom! I jet past the cutscenes because I'm curious about the game...
The first thing we get to do is make our character. It's rare for JRPGs to have a character creator, so this is fun. As I usually do, I make a hot redhead and name them after my love (happy 34th anniversary), Lucy. Lucy gets out of bed, and I examine the chest in her room. It contains a variety of weapons to get you started on the adventure. The default is a sword of some kind, but I quickly sell it and whip out the spear!
I take a look around town and realize it's really tiny. There are four merchants: sundries, gear, gear enhancer, and a rare material lady. But, for now, speak to the village chief. He'll get you started on the basic gameplay loop that is MHF. You take a quest, find rare meat is the first, and then you go out to the field and do it. The field begins at camp, and there are basic necessities in a chest near the spawn point. From there, you head out to the world! It's inhabited by dinosaurs who aren't bothering you, but you have to kill them anyway for their meat. Combat is fat rolling in Dark Souls. You can also dig through a poop pile... Kill the creatures with your oversized and slow weapon, sheath it, and harvest your reward. Return to camp, interact with the second chest, and you've finished the quest!
And that's the game...?
Yep, that's the entire gameplay loop. Accept quest, go out, finish, and win to claim your rewards. Use those rewards to make better weapons and armor using items you've harvested from monsters, farm points, mine points, waste heaps, and quest rewards. You're also given a farm to help facilitate this. But why are we doing this?
There is no obvious point to all of this. The entire game is "do x because...." There's no big bad or stakes to be had. Your character is just some nobody. You can play this game with friends, which I'd bet is the main draw of it all. I can see how this would be so much fun to just go out and hunt giant dinosaurs and boars with friends. Solo, though, it's a pointless slog, and I'm not into it. I played three hours of Monster Hunter Freedom, got through the tutorial, fully decked out, and upgraded my spear three times. It's not clicking with me, and I doubt it will. Before I grow to hate this game and franchise, I'm just gonna head out.
---
Plot: none. Characters are empty slates, there are no stakes, and there is no plot. 0/10
Gameplay: too simple. Combat isn't anything expansive. There are no combo mechanics, at least not with the spear, magic system, or skill moves. The idea of gear upgrades is rad, but I suspect it'll become a tedious slog by mid game. 4/10
Sound: zero. Music is few and far between, but the chimes are kinda fun, and I'd probably like the farm song if I cared. 2/10
Art: the redemption. Monster Hunter Freedom looks absolutely gorgeous. The world is beautiful, the models are wonderful, and I get the feeling weapons and armor are all different. All on a PSP! Farming points can be hard to spot, though. 9/10
Charm: bias aside... The world is probably pretty cool, and it's all about exploration. There are a couple of cute animations, and the amount of weapons probably opens up repeatability paths. Sadly, NPCs are just as boring as you, and MHF isn't targeted at everyone. I'll be nice and assume the game length is good. 7/10
Negatives: grind. If you're not into the grind, this is gonna get tedious between finding the materials, getting the money, and having enough leftover to start another quest that isn't kill two peaceful lizards. And I think there are mandatory alchemy and potion making, a fragile weapon degradation system, and ...I'm bored. -5
In total, Monster Hunter Freedom for the PSP is a disappointing and terrible 17 out of 50. Maybe I just don't get it, but it's best I put this down now. It's a game franchise not for me, so don't hold this against me. I don't hate the game, so let's move on before I do.
The Music Review Rubric
I did this for video games, so I really should do this for music. And thus, I am!
What makes a good album? Wicked guitars, smooth vocals, meaningful lyrics, and sexy drum beats, obviously, but how do I go about grading that?
I'm just gonna wing it!
Music is an objective thing. I'm not big on pop and despise new country. I doubt I'll ever listen to rap, either. So, just like my game blueprint, this will likely only work for Metal but expect some cousin genres here as well. If Richard Wagner or Michael Jackson is revived and releases new material, expect me to write about the decomposing composer. Ya know, titans of the industry. Also, I'm a Swifty!
But how do I grade?
1.) Skill
This feels self explanatory as it's the basic blocks of musical enjoyment. Are the guitars chuggy? Does the singer have their melodies or growls on point? Do the drums drive like I like? The best hands get two points, mediocre ones get one, and emo hands strive for zero.
2.) Variation
So you've written an album that's ten songs long? Rad! Are they distinct songs, or are they the same thing for forty five minutes? I have an issue with most power metal acts because every single song sounds just like the previous one! Fun fact, this can also be done within a track. Thanks, SLAYER!
3.) Banger Counts
Earworms!!!!
- 3.1) WTF is a banger?
I'll be honest, bangers are a feeling. It could be a song that sticks out, and you put down whatever you're doing to listen. Whether it be because the guitars just hit differently or the lyrics call out to something beyond my comprehension. Or maybe everything just melodizes perfectly. It doesn't have to be a song I think is magic, but the track is just on another level, regardless. One gets ya a point, but more is better.
4.) Replayability
Am I gonna come back to this whole album ever again? I heard a lot of great albums last year, but I don't know if I'll ever listen to them again? I never felt compelled to give their back catalog a go, either. Excalion was great, but I've forgotten I ever heard it. Ignea, however...
5.) The extra stuff
Is this album too short or, likely, too long? Is it amateurish from a seasoned band, or is it sparking a new trend in the industry? If it's a concept album, does it make sense, or is it dumb?
Every category is out of two, so I'm grading out of ten. Let's see how everything could look with some reviews from last year!
Katatonia - Sky Void of Stars
Skill: Progressive metal acts will likely get top points, as they display a lot of technical aptitude. It's kinda the thing that separates them from other acts. Katatonia is no exception. 2/2
Variation: Every song is filled with so many movements and is different than other tracks on the album. The answer is "HEFL, yes"! 2/2
Bangers: Five, officially... 2/2
Replayability: ...but I want to listen to every song again, and I'm gonna. 2/2
Extra: The length is great. It's their best work yet. It doesn't try to be dumb. 2/2
Total score- 10/10
---
Gorillaz - Cracker Island
Skill: I don't know if it's high caliber, but it's fun. 2/2
Variation: It starts strong, gets soulful, and ends funky. 2/2
Bangers: 6! 2/2
Replayability: I am the 0.7 percent! 2/2
Extra: Good length from a strong band and keeps their goofy lore intact. 2/2
Score - 10/10
---
Avatar - Dance Devil Dance
Skill: Middling. Some of the songs don't hit for me. 1/2
Variation: There's a good amount of it between tracks, and the album, as a whole, works well enough. 2/2
Bangers: 4. 2/2
Replayability: It even made me want to listen to more Avatar. 2/2
Extra: Good length and no fluff. It's carried by the Bangers, though. 1/2
Score: 8/10
...
Sorcerer - Reign of the Reaper
Skill: I remember everything being mid. 1/2
Variation: I think these guys were a straight thrash band. 0/2
Bangers: 0/2
Replayability: I casually listened to the album once and didn't want to return. 0/2
Extra: Can you tell this is low? 0/2
Score: 1/10
---
Frozen Crown - Call of the North
Skill: Power metal acts are really good with their instruments. 2/2
Variation: Power metal acts stick to one thing. 1/2
Bangers: 0/2
Replayability: I think I listened to this twice? 1/2
Extra: Meh...0/2
Score: 4/10
---
Avenged Sevenfold - Life is but a Dream...
Skill: The lead singer's whine prevented me from getting two minutes into the album. 0/2
Variation: Nope. 0/2
Bangers: 0/2
Replayability: I tried three times, but the singer can't sing anymore. 0/2
Extra: I want negatives... 0/2
Score: 0/10; the worst album all year.
---
I'm weirded out that Avatar didn't get a nine. It makes me wonder if I'm gonna have issues filling everything out? Regardless, this will be a work in progress, but I'm not gonna go back through like I have with my video game scores. I don't even know if this will last. But here's the basis, and here's something from this year!
Saxon - Hell, Fire, and Damnation
Skill: Saxon has been doing this since the 70s. I've never gotten into them, but this is so good. 2/2
Variation: Chugging guitars, solos, power ballads; big fan. 2/2
Bangers: The first banger of the year goes to Madam Guillotine. 1/2
Replayability: Maybe it's because of the dearth of new music so far, but I've come back to this a few times. It doesn't quite hit with me, though, but check back to see if this changes. 1/2
Extra: 42 minutes, and it's the best album from a band from the 70s! 2/2
Score: 8/10* That's a bit higher than I thought, but it's on the cusp of what I thought. It's definitely a great album, so I'll see if it holds up!
Score: 8/10
There's some good stuff coming out soon, so let's begin this journey soon...
Monday, February 5, 2024
My first video game.
1995 was when I met a neighbor kid named Brandon. He was home schooled, which I thought was hella rad. I don't remember his last name, and this memory is kinda hazy, but I think he had a Super Nintendo with Donkey Kong County. I'm pretty sure we played it often, but we never got far. I remember the minecarts a lot?
Later that year, I got my own SNES and DKC, but I don't think I ever put two and two together that I was playing the same game then as I did with Brandon. Maybe I didn't know the name of the game, or the lack of sound and color tricked me up? Maybe I was just a dumb five-year-old? Either way, it's been nearly thirty years since I first started my journey with a controller...
Let's review it!!!
What does Donkey Kong County do that sucks?
Story. Neither of the Kongs have a lot going for them, and Rool is just sorta there. The plot is as straightforward as can be, too. The McGuffin is missing, so here are the heros who need to find it! It's just very barebones, and I wish my review system had more leeway for games like it.
But that's it!
The soundtrack is legendary, with bangers all over the place. The graphics might be the best on the console, and the gameplay is as solid as six feet of concrete. It's a damn staple of the genre and the bar from which all other platformers should be judged by. The controls are perfect, there's gameplay variety, and everything I want in a game is right here!
---
Plot: it's a gameplay game. None of the characters feel fleshed out, but I did track down a manual. It helped to stretch this score a little bit. Nothing is terrible; it's just not here. 6/10
Gameplay: the bar. I've been coming back to DKC for thirty years, and I kinda want to play it again one day. Challenge runs? With friends? Are there any mods? 10/10
Sound: perfect. Many reviewers claim the OST sounds like it came from a CD. They might be right! 10/10
Art: 16-bit peak. The backgrounds are amazing, the sprite work has aged so well they almost seem future proof, and there's just so much stuff. 10/10
Charm: no corners cut. Rare wanted to reintroduce the Donkey Kong franchise, and they went all out. From goofy animations and sound to memorable side characters, Rare accomplished their goal. As a thirty-four-year-old, it's a painfully short game, but my knowledge of DKC shouldn't be counted against it. 10/10
And now, with all that said, Donkey Kong Country gets a well deserved 46 out of 50. The Metacritic score has it at 45, so you can believe the hype. I had so much fun getting the vaulted 101 percent, and I want to go back in. I want to play it again with friends. I want to give DKC2 a go, hoping I don't get a headache this time. Donkey Kong County is goated for a reason, so go enjoy it!
Later that year, I got my own SNES and DKC, but I don't think I ever put two and two together that I was playing the same game then as I did with Brandon. Maybe I didn't know the name of the game, or the lack of sound and color tricked me up? Maybe I was just a dumb five-year-old? Either way, it's been nearly thirty years since I first started my journey with a controller...
Let's review it!!!
What does Donkey Kong County do that sucks?
Story. Neither of the Kongs have a lot going for them, and Rool is just sorta there. The plot is as straightforward as can be, too. The McGuffin is missing, so here are the heros who need to find it! It's just very barebones, and I wish my review system had more leeway for games like it.
But that's it!
The soundtrack is legendary, with bangers all over the place. The graphics might be the best on the console, and the gameplay is as solid as six feet of concrete. It's a damn staple of the genre and the bar from which all other platformers should be judged by. The controls are perfect, there's gameplay variety, and everything I want in a game is right here!
---
Plot: it's a gameplay game. None of the characters feel fleshed out, but I did track down a manual. It helped to stretch this score a little bit. Nothing is terrible; it's just not here. 6/10
Gameplay: the bar. I've been coming back to DKC for thirty years, and I kinda want to play it again one day. Challenge runs? With friends? Are there any mods? 10/10
Sound: perfect. Many reviewers claim the OST sounds like it came from a CD. They might be right! 10/10
Art: 16-bit peak. The backgrounds are amazing, the sprite work has aged so well they almost seem future proof, and there's just so much stuff. 10/10
Charm: no corners cut. Rare wanted to reintroduce the Donkey Kong franchise, and they went all out. From goofy animations and sound to memorable side characters, Rare accomplished their goal. As a thirty-four-year-old, it's a painfully short game, but my knowledge of DKC shouldn't be counted against it. 10/10
And now, with all that said, Donkey Kong Country gets a well deserved 46 out of 50. The Metacritic score has it at 45, so you can believe the hype. I had so much fun getting the vaulted 101 percent, and I want to go back in. I want to play it again with friends. I want to give DKC2 a go, hoping I don't get a headache this time. Donkey Kong County is goated for a reason, so go enjoy it!
Kongo Bongo Banana Glow!
In the short time they had been on the island, the Kremlings had managed to construct an industrialized civilization near the top of the mountain. Kremkrok Industries Inc. was an area filled with cold steel, burning oil drums, and a poisoned lake.
The first area was a preview of what was to come. The Kongs had to jump across several burning drums. Fortunately, the flames would occasionally subside, and the hot metal made the gorillas panic and became a fall hazard, especially when on the large rhino.
Walking became optional as a moving platform carried the Kongs across the empty vast. Of course, that tram also brought them to danger from above. Several safe scaffolding paths were guarded by the obese crocks, who could easily push Diddy backwards.
Next up was another mine that likely was the reason for these factories. At various points were coal elevators that could squish the Kongs or take them straight to the realm of Hun Batz.
Being amphibious and immune to poison has its perks. The pond that lay before them was cloudy, but it wasn't the worst thing in it. That reward would be the spike wheels that would cycle and rotate in narrow quarters. They really made the radioactive fish seem normal.
The circus was in this next mine, and the Kongs had to leap from one minecart to another to advance. Amazing leaps of faith over vultures and bees. Grand theft auto was advised for the fellow mining crocodiles.
The lights flickered next, and another team member was killed by them, giving him a seizure. Either that or the explosion in the hidden room that led to another hidden room did him in. We didn't care for that guy anyway and never got his name.
Dumb Drum was dumb. The sentient oil drum would drop Kremlings onto the Kongs, but they were the usual riff-raff. It died when it emptied itself...?
Chimp Caverns appeared to be home to another lost monkey tribe. Now, though, it was an industrialized home to the Kremlings.
First up was more moving platforms. But these ones taught the Kongs about gasoline. The glory of petrol has been brought to Kongo Bongo Island!
The acrobatic antics of previous levels made jumping over the spike wheels a breeze. Truly, the Kremlings taught their opponents too much!
The clouded mines were filled with not-oil drums. Instead, they were a source of infinite armadillos and baby crocodiles.
The Kongs were well adjusted to flickering lights by now, so they skipped ahead.
The falling platforms meant nothing. It's almost as though they wanted the Kongs to get passed...
Necky Sr. spit more nuts but was just as useless as his dead son.
By now, the Kongs saw their final destination make land. Gang-plank Galleon, home to the pirate king, King K Rool, was all that remained of the stolen banana horde. Rool was alone, but he was far from outgunned! His precious crown appeared to be his primary weapon, but that was a red hearing. The true power was his gross, diseased, bloated, vile, disgusting body and its massive weight. Rool would often charge at the Kongs, and the surviving Kremlings on the ship would shoot cannon balls from atop the ship as well. But, after three rounds, the Kongs finally broke the skull of their adversary.
Or so they thought...
With one more act of rage, King K. Rool got up and began to jump at our primate protagonists. But his second wind didn't last long enough... With three more skull stomps, Donkey finally regained his lost bananas.
And then Cranky indicated he was missing a lot. After a long look over, Donkey realized he was missing twenty one percent of his prize. The two Kongs then recounted their steps! With the aid of the pilot, Funky, they returned to areas that seemed to be less than fully explored! With enough sniffing around, they succeeded. They kicked Rool off the island one more time to cement their claim. But that may have been a mistake. Only Diddy Kong returned to the island, and he sought the comfort of his girlfriend...
But that's for a different team. Emily and I are the only members of the team who haven't died, but I learned how to speak Gorilla, so am I even still human? We're retiring!
The first area was a preview of what was to come. The Kongs had to jump across several burning drums. Fortunately, the flames would occasionally subside, and the hot metal made the gorillas panic and became a fall hazard, especially when on the large rhino.
Walking became optional as a moving platform carried the Kongs across the empty vast. Of course, that tram also brought them to danger from above. Several safe scaffolding paths were guarded by the obese crocks, who could easily push Diddy backwards.
Next up was another mine that likely was the reason for these factories. At various points were coal elevators that could squish the Kongs or take them straight to the realm of Hun Batz.
Being amphibious and immune to poison has its perks. The pond that lay before them was cloudy, but it wasn't the worst thing in it. That reward would be the spike wheels that would cycle and rotate in narrow quarters. They really made the radioactive fish seem normal.
The circus was in this next mine, and the Kongs had to leap from one minecart to another to advance. Amazing leaps of faith over vultures and bees. Grand theft auto was advised for the fellow mining crocodiles.
The lights flickered next, and another team member was killed by them, giving him a seizure. Either that or the explosion in the hidden room that led to another hidden room did him in. We didn't care for that guy anyway and never got his name.
Dumb Drum was dumb. The sentient oil drum would drop Kremlings onto the Kongs, but they were the usual riff-raff. It died when it emptied itself...?
Chimp Caverns appeared to be home to another lost monkey tribe. Now, though, it was an industrialized home to the Kremlings.
First up was more moving platforms. But these ones taught the Kongs about gasoline. The glory of petrol has been brought to Kongo Bongo Island!
The acrobatic antics of previous levels made jumping over the spike wheels a breeze. Truly, the Kremlings taught their opponents too much!
The clouded mines were filled with not-oil drums. Instead, they were a source of infinite armadillos and baby crocodiles.
The Kongs were well adjusted to flickering lights by now, so they skipped ahead.
The falling platforms meant nothing. It's almost as though they wanted the Kongs to get passed...
Necky Sr. spit more nuts but was just as useless as his dead son.
By now, the Kongs saw their final destination make land. Gang-plank Galleon, home to the pirate king, King K Rool, was all that remained of the stolen banana horde. Rool was alone, but he was far from outgunned! His precious crown appeared to be his primary weapon, but that was a red hearing. The true power was his gross, diseased, bloated, vile, disgusting body and its massive weight. Rool would often charge at the Kongs, and the surviving Kremlings on the ship would shoot cannon balls from atop the ship as well. But, after three rounds, the Kongs finally broke the skull of their adversary.
Or so they thought...
With one more act of rage, King K. Rool got up and began to jump at our primate protagonists. But his second wind didn't last long enough... With three more skull stomps, Donkey finally regained his lost bananas.
And then Cranky indicated he was missing a lot. After a long look over, Donkey realized he was missing twenty one percent of his prize. The two Kongs then recounted their steps! With the aid of the pilot, Funky, they returned to areas that seemed to be less than fully explored! With enough sniffing around, they succeeded. They kicked Rool off the island one more time to cement their claim. But that may have been a mistake. Only Diddy Kong returned to the island, and he sought the comfort of his girlfriend...
But that's for a different team. Emily and I are the only members of the team who haven't died, but I learned how to speak Gorilla, so am I even still human? We're retiring!
Sunday, February 4, 2024
Kongs Kounter
Donkey Kong was awoken by his grandfather, Cranky, with bad news. After noticing his missing banana horde, the same horde Diddy failed to defend, Donkey burst out of his tree house, freeing his tiny cousin from the barrel the Kremlings stuffed him in. This would be a common theme between the gorillas on their ascent to the top of Kong Island.
Through their initial trek through Kong Jungle, they made easy work of the large number of Kremlings in their home. We discovered that the apes had befriended a rhino, a foe no crocodile could withstand. Several rooms where the Kongs held backup bananas were also easily opened to refill the apes' addiction to ascorbic acid.
Night quickly fell upon the island, and a strong storm came with it. But the gorillas were determined to regain their beloved bananas. The downpour of rain couldn't stop them as they swung from rope to rope across the jungle canopy. Nor could the snakes and vultures who joined the karrion krew.
Cranky had made his way to his cabin and offered some kind of advice... Something about too many buttons? Real boomer humor...
They then went through a long cave system filled with large, obese reptiles and snakes. Another new friend, a frog, aided them.
And then we learned the Kongs are amphibious and can breathe underwater. They swam through a deep pool for some time, fending off sharks and fish the whole time. They were saved by a swordfish.
Candy Kong gave them more aid, and Funky Kong showed them his airplane. It did not aid.
Kong Island is home to many an explosive barrel. This penultimate area made the Kongs' trip an aerial adventure.
Their final stop in the jungle was guarded by a six-foot-tall rat, Very Gnawty. Donkey stepped on his head a bunch and regained one sixth of his horde. The Kong's counter offensive had begun to bear fruit!
The next destination for the Kongs was a cliff that proved humans once lived on the island, as several mines were in the area. Monkey Mines would end up being a lot of fun, and the gorillas spent considerable time monkeying around these levels.
First up was a series of abandoned scaffolding. The apes freed a large frog from captivity that easily squashed the giant bees. Apparently, frogs feel no pain when landing the spikey bodes of the enormous apisi.
The next mine was a rollercoaster! But it was a very dilapidated and deadly one. Many rail lines have fallen, and those that remained were guarded by Kremlings going backwards on the lines. Clearly, safety was not established by the local carnies.
They then made their way through a tire graveyard. And they're monkeys, so...
The next mine was still powered, but only slightly. The apes had to press switches to get through, but clay demons roamed the darkness. Were these guys aligned with the Kremlings or natural disasters?
After checking in with their friends, they found an old temple presumably built by the forgotten humans. The biggest threats, besides the pitfalls, were the rats in their giant wheels.
Guarding the exit was a giant vulture who appeared to only be a head and neck. And that's why they call it Necky! Like so many others, it had a soft skull.
Vine Valley, which isn't actually a valley but a forest sat atop the cliff, tested all the apes should have learned by now. The Kremlings acted as they always had, but the ropes moved horizontally, and the Kongs needed to scale up and down the ropes to avoid vultures and bees. Greg thought about watching Geroge in the Jungle after this, and that's why we set him out to sea.
The Kremlings had either built a tree top town here or invaded another species' home. But the Kongs launched themselves through much of it.
They quickly moved through a third stage before finding themselves at another temple. This time, the rats in their wheel gave chase!
More canopies needed to be climbed and/or flown over with the help of another animal ally, an ostrich. Traitorous gorillas flung barrels at the Kongs throughout. The team wondered if these were the inhabitants of the previous village who had a vendetta against the Kongs. Perhaps a multi generational feud had emerged at one point in the past? Regardless, we weren't paid to investigate and quickly burned any possible evidence. We ain't got time for that!
A cwm is beyond that filled with raging octopuses.
Queen B, a wasp, had a weakness of wooden barrels. Sadly, her fetish appeared to be those same wooden barrels she had an endless supply of in her sky cave. Not even turning red could save her.
The Kongs reached the summit of Kong Island, Gorilla Glacier. The snowpack was deep, temperate cold, and ice slippery.
Many explosive barrels kept the apes from sliding to their doom.
But the slick ropes inside the crystal cave were only a hindrance. How did the bees survive this cold? Penelope had a theory, but she froze to death, and we totally didn't eat her.
Swinging ropes were a welcome sight compared to the icy ground, but a powerful snowstorm rolled into the island.
Somehow, the water wasn't frozen, but it was filled with more squid! Where's your theories now, Penny?!
Another animal companion held a light in these dark mines. It was short, and Diddy had a terrible time against the buff and sexy crocodiles.
We can't tell you anything that happened because the blizzards created whiteout conditions.
The zombified form of Very Gnawty failed to protect against the strange factory below them.
It was about this time that the remains of the team noticed a pirate ship getting closer to the island. The Kongs would soon learn that they only defeated the first wave of scouts of the Kremlings. The worst was yet to come...
---
I'm up to sixty percent, and the blizzard gave me a headache. My whole plan is ruined, and this is why I'm sunsetting daily uploads. I suck...
Through their initial trek through Kong Jungle, they made easy work of the large number of Kremlings in their home. We discovered that the apes had befriended a rhino, a foe no crocodile could withstand. Several rooms where the Kongs held backup bananas were also easily opened to refill the apes' addiction to ascorbic acid.
Night quickly fell upon the island, and a strong storm came with it. But the gorillas were determined to regain their beloved bananas. The downpour of rain couldn't stop them as they swung from rope to rope across the jungle canopy. Nor could the snakes and vultures who joined the karrion krew.
Cranky had made his way to his cabin and offered some kind of advice... Something about too many buttons? Real boomer humor...
They then went through a long cave system filled with large, obese reptiles and snakes. Another new friend, a frog, aided them.
And then we learned the Kongs are amphibious and can breathe underwater. They swam through a deep pool for some time, fending off sharks and fish the whole time. They were saved by a swordfish.
Candy Kong gave them more aid, and Funky Kong showed them his airplane. It did not aid.
Kong Island is home to many an explosive barrel. This penultimate area made the Kongs' trip an aerial adventure.
Their final stop in the jungle was guarded by a six-foot-tall rat, Very Gnawty. Donkey stepped on his head a bunch and regained one sixth of his horde. The Kong's counter offensive had begun to bear fruit!
The next destination for the Kongs was a cliff that proved humans once lived on the island, as several mines were in the area. Monkey Mines would end up being a lot of fun, and the gorillas spent considerable time monkeying around these levels.
First up was a series of abandoned scaffolding. The apes freed a large frog from captivity that easily squashed the giant bees. Apparently, frogs feel no pain when landing the spikey bodes of the enormous apisi.
The next mine was a rollercoaster! But it was a very dilapidated and deadly one. Many rail lines have fallen, and those that remained were guarded by Kremlings going backwards on the lines. Clearly, safety was not established by the local carnies.
They then made their way through a tire graveyard. And they're monkeys, so...
The next mine was still powered, but only slightly. The apes had to press switches to get through, but clay demons roamed the darkness. Were these guys aligned with the Kremlings or natural disasters?
After checking in with their friends, they found an old temple presumably built by the forgotten humans. The biggest threats, besides the pitfalls, were the rats in their giant wheels.
Guarding the exit was a giant vulture who appeared to only be a head and neck. And that's why they call it Necky! Like so many others, it had a soft skull.
Vine Valley, which isn't actually a valley but a forest sat atop the cliff, tested all the apes should have learned by now. The Kremlings acted as they always had, but the ropes moved horizontally, and the Kongs needed to scale up and down the ropes to avoid vultures and bees. Greg thought about watching Geroge in the Jungle after this, and that's why we set him out to sea.
The Kremlings had either built a tree top town here or invaded another species' home. But the Kongs launched themselves through much of it.
They quickly moved through a third stage before finding themselves at another temple. This time, the rats in their wheel gave chase!
More canopies needed to be climbed and/or flown over with the help of another animal ally, an ostrich. Traitorous gorillas flung barrels at the Kongs throughout. The team wondered if these were the inhabitants of the previous village who had a vendetta against the Kongs. Perhaps a multi generational feud had emerged at one point in the past? Regardless, we weren't paid to investigate and quickly burned any possible evidence. We ain't got time for that!
A cwm is beyond that filled with raging octopuses.
Queen B, a wasp, had a weakness of wooden barrels. Sadly, her fetish appeared to be those same wooden barrels she had an endless supply of in her sky cave. Not even turning red could save her.
The Kongs reached the summit of Kong Island, Gorilla Glacier. The snowpack was deep, temperate cold, and ice slippery.
Many explosive barrels kept the apes from sliding to their doom.
But the slick ropes inside the crystal cave were only a hindrance. How did the bees survive this cold? Penelope had a theory, but she froze to death, and we totally didn't eat her.
Swinging ropes were a welcome sight compared to the icy ground, but a powerful snowstorm rolled into the island.
Somehow, the water wasn't frozen, but it was filled with more squid! Where's your theories now, Penny?!
Another animal companion held a light in these dark mines. It was short, and Diddy had a terrible time against the buff and sexy crocodiles.
We can't tell you anything that happened because the blizzards created whiteout conditions.
The zombified form of Very Gnawty failed to protect against the strange factory below them.
It was about this time that the remains of the team noticed a pirate ship getting closer to the island. The Kongs would soon learn that they only defeated the first wave of scouts of the Kremlings. The worst was yet to come...
---
I'm up to sixty percent, and the blizzard gave me a headache. My whole plan is ruined, and this is why I'm sunsetting daily uploads. I suck...
Saturday, February 3, 2024
International World Stuff
"For twenty eight years, we have watched and studied the gorillas who reside on Kongo Bongo Island. They are the descendants of the ape that kidnapped the superstar and future mayor of New Donk City, Pauline. We have been watching them ever since out of fear that they would try again. We took notes on several apes, or Kongs, through the nearly three decade observation.
Funky Kong: an ape capable of creating a short ranged airplane. He also loves to surf.
Candy Kong: a tall, sultry she-ape.
Cranky Kong: the gorilla who broke free of Jumpman Mario and was the inciting incident of our lives.
Dixie Kong: a blonde she-ape who had no bearing on this story.
Kiddy Kong: a being rumored to exist.
And then there's Chonky; he's dead.
There was also an assortment of other animals who aided the Kongs in this journey. We weren't paid to report on them, so we didn't name them.
But there were two Kongs, in particular, who made a name for themselves on this mountain.
We named the large one Donkey because he reminded Emily of a mule. He is a large and imposing gorilla capable of creating localized earthquakes by smashing his hands onto the ground. His weight appeared to be quite heavy as he easily squashed many of his enemies.
His cohort was a much smaller ape named Diddy because freakin' Greg won the straw draw and is a big fan of Bo Diddley but is too stupid to spell his last name correctly. Diddy is far more agile than Donkey and enjoys chaining cartwheels into his foes. He's much lighter and bounces off of larger creatures.
As we watched, they did nothing of note. That is, until one day...
The Kremlings sieged the island, stealing all of the ape's cherished bananas. The Kongs were able to come together to fend off the potentially racist crocodiles, whose excessive usage of the letter "k" made us worry. The pirate porosus pilfered the beloved potassium, and the peeved primates wouldn't let them get away with it!
And this is their story:..."
I'm playing Donkey Kong Country with the intent of getting 101 percent in it. It's another journey I started before I had a decent understanding of how to read, so consider this an even more advanced Earthbound saga.
Funky Kong: an ape capable of creating a short ranged airplane. He also loves to surf.
Candy Kong: a tall, sultry she-ape.
Cranky Kong: the gorilla who broke free of Jumpman Mario and was the inciting incident of our lives.
Dixie Kong: a blonde she-ape who had no bearing on this story.
Kiddy Kong: a being rumored to exist.
And then there's Chonky; he's dead.
There was also an assortment of other animals who aided the Kongs in this journey. We weren't paid to report on them, so we didn't name them.
But there were two Kongs, in particular, who made a name for themselves on this mountain.
We named the large one Donkey because he reminded Emily of a mule. He is a large and imposing gorilla capable of creating localized earthquakes by smashing his hands onto the ground. His weight appeared to be quite heavy as he easily squashed many of his enemies.
His cohort was a much smaller ape named Diddy because freakin' Greg won the straw draw and is a big fan of Bo Diddley but is too stupid to spell his last name correctly. Diddy is far more agile than Donkey and enjoys chaining cartwheels into his foes. He's much lighter and bounces off of larger creatures.
As we watched, they did nothing of note. That is, until one day...
The Kremlings sieged the island, stealing all of the ape's cherished bananas. The Kongs were able to come together to fend off the potentially racist crocodiles, whose excessive usage of the letter "k" made us worry. The pirate porosus pilfered the beloved potassium, and the peeved primates wouldn't let them get away with it!
And this is their story:..."
I'm playing Donkey Kong Country with the intent of getting 101 percent in it. It's another journey I started before I had a decent understanding of how to read, so consider this an even more advanced Earthbound saga.
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