Final Fantasy VII: Advent Children

Shoutout to Crackle for having FFVII: AC for free. Sots of adds, but it’s free

The movie opens up to a scene that looks familiar. It the final scene of VII, as Red and his children overlook the ruined Midgar.

The words 498 years earlier appear, and we skip to a volcano with a lot of steam emanating from it as a woman and a man discuss their find. A helicopter, pilot led by Reno of the Turks, descends in as we hear gunshots. The woman, who the subtitles spoil is Elena, makes a paining sound. Some swears are heard, and the helicopter flies out.

I turned subtitles off for the rest of the movie.

The next part is the voice of a child retelling the game.  About the Lifestream and Shinra's abuse of it. SOLDIER and Jenova. Sephiroth going mad, Aerith’s funeral, and finally, the day Meteor fell and ruined Midgar. “Sadness was the price to see it end.”

We’re next in a bustling metropolis filled with kids playing, as the voice tells us the planet it pissed off and introduces us to a new disease called Geostigma. The voice is revealed to be Marlene, Barrett’s daughter. We see Tifa at a bar and learn Cloud, who started a delivery service, is missing. The Buster Sword is friends with a wolf as Cloud is in the desert, being edgy with a phone. Three wannabe Sephiroths pick up the abandoned Buster Sword and give chase to Cloud, all on motorcycles The wannabes attack with shadow dogs and ask Cloud, who they call brother, where Mother is
After one gets a phone and asks for the president, everyone disperses, as the scene switches again to a jungle. Barrett is saying, via voice mail, how he found oil and wants to see Marlene. I’m only updating during commercials. These are so long.

Tifa calls Cloud telling Reno called and that he sounds strange. Cloud goes to the Turk HQ, in the jungle, fights Reno, and meets the still alive, but wheelchair-bound, Rufus Shina. The two talk over each other as Rufus tries to hire Cloud, who wants nothing of it. Rudus takes the blame for being the one who messed up the planet. Rufus informs him the Turks weren’t in a volcano; they were in the North Crater and were attacked by the same people who attacked Cloud. Cloud leaves, and we switch to the Sector Five church: Aerith’s church.

Tifa and Marlene walk around wondering if this is where Cloud lives and discover he too is sick with Geostigma and promises to give our spikey headed hero a lecture.

The scene returns to Shinra HQ, as Reno and Rude are beaten up by a wannabe. Kadaj and Rufus talk where the bad guy reveals his plan. They’re looking for Jenova to recreate the Reunion. Geostigma seems to be from either her or Seph and Rufus is also sick with it.

Cloud returns to the Buster Sword overlooking Midgar and talks to Zack before having a good, old breakdown. Back to the church again, and Tifa dights the short-haired wannabe who hates flowers. A piano rendition of the battle music plays. I’m not gonna describe the fight, but it’s super anime and fun. A bit short, though, as the guy's cellphone goes off, with victory fanfare theme ringtone, before knocking out Tifa, because he can shadow step. Marlene, in a fruitless endeavor, tries to help by throwing Cloud’s stock of materia at the man.

Another scene switch as we see Denzel, Marlene’s friend, being brought, by another kid, to an old fashion snake oil salesman. That seller is one of the wannabes. The scene returns to the church as Cloud walks in and discovers an unconscious Tifa, who asks for Marlene. Marlene isn’t there, and Cloud has another breakdown and melts. He then passes out, aa music that shouldn’t be playing is played. He waka up in bed, next to Tifa, saved by the Turks. They inform him the kids are missing. Cloud acts edgy.

We’re now with the wannabes in, what is unmistakably, the Forgotten Capital as they absorb Clouds materia. Cloud acts edgy when Tida wakes up and wants to help him overcome his Geostigma. “Dilly dally. Shilly sally”..... The Turks inform, again, that Kadaj, the lead wannabe,j and his wannabe gang has taken all the kids to the Forgotten City, and Cloud goes alone. Kadaj rallies the kid to join his cause. It’s a suicide cult as Kadaj walks into Aerith’s water and drinks ls it. The kids follow suit, and everyone now has cat eyes.

Cloud gets lost in a daydream and talks to Aerith. Cloud showed up to save the kids because he wants to be forgiven. Aerith asks by who as we hear gunfire, awaking Cloud. Knocked off his bike, Kadaj makes everyone hate Cloud as a fight scene starts. Despite the New Buster Sword being multiple swords, Cloud gets his ass kicked until a mysterious red blob saves him. The blob is revealed to be Vincent, who's been tracking the wannabes, and saved the missing Turks. Marlene finds them, hates Cloud's edge, and a flashback to before Cloud left happens.

Cloud wants to go to Shinra, and Tifa tells him to stop running and let people in. I already hate Dilly Dally Silly Shally. Cloud and Marlene, together, go off somewhere.

Clouds phone, which was lost in the battle, falls to the lake floor as we hear the voicemails, and the voice of Aerith tells him she never blamed him. “You came for me, and that's all that matters.” As we return to Midgar/Edge, the suicide cult is acting up.
 
The kids surround a fountain roundabout as the wannabes summon dogs to attack the concerned populace. Tifa finds Denzel as the Turks show up to stop Project Mayhem. The statue everyone is surrounding has something to to with Jenova. Meanwhile, Rufus and Kadaj have a discussion about Sephiroth, Jenova, the Lifestream, and the ebb and flow of the world. Kadaj says lets put an end to all this and causes odd weather to form, from which Bahamut is summoned. Bahamut attacks the statue while the Turks, who I'm just noticing are comedic relief, save a few kids, and get attacked in kind. Everyone is fine. Turks and Wannabes fight. Guess who wins?

Back to Tifa: Denzel wakes up, swears, and goes to punch Bahamut. He’s stopped by a finally appearing Barrett and his new there gunned arm. Red and Cait show up and aid him, to no avail. Yuffie then shows up to help, and Cid follows suit, saving Tifa and Denzel. Cid also says he named his new airship Shara II, so that's nice. Vincent asks to buy a phone as he slowly walks away, and we hear the sound of a motorcycle as Cloud shows up. He says he took Marlene home and states he lost weight. Denzel goes home too as the whole party, minus the white mage, do battle.

Bahamut is immune to bullets, takes normal damage from spears, and is weak to swords. In the end, it is an utterly nonsensical and physics-defying power of friendship which, literally, throws Cloud upwards and through Bahamut’s Megaflare, slaying the beast. Even Aerith shows up to give the final push/defense proving once more that nothing gets done without the white mage.

We cut back to Rufus and Kadaj as Rufus reveals he is holding Jenova’s head (in a box) as he stands up, calls his enemy a bad son, and drops the box from a large building. Kadaj is upset, and both guys fall as well. Rufus is saved by...someone with net guns and Kadaj is part dragoon so he, and the other wannabes, are chased by a seemingly teleported Cloud and his bike.

Here’s a bike fight straight outta Bollywood! Eventually, the Turks show up with a bomb that is "Shinra's beat" and "flashy". Reno says their clocking out early, and the bombs go off, stopping the back-up wannabes from interfering any longer.  I think everyone dies. The chase takes Kadaj and Cloud to the Church, where the bad guy reminds us he’s the bad guy by running over the flowers. Kadaj looks into the box with Jen's head it in and cries for reasons never explained. When Cloud shows up, Kadaj destroys parts of the church and shoots a lightning blast towards Cloud, opening up the Lifestream, causing it to sprout up and rain on Cloud curing him of his Geostigma. Cloud gives chase again and catches back up, calls Kadaj a remnant, and they fight for real this time. The entire party shows up and just watches while giving exposition. Barrett and Yuffie want to fight, but no one does because of toxic masculinity, and the trope of this is his fight. Blah blah blah. Barrett gives him 10 minutes until he gets involved.

Eventually, Kadaj is able to absorb/injects whatever was in the box, and he turns himself into Sephiroth. A high-quality One Winged Angel plays as Cloud and a new, but still strong, Sephiroth do battle. Every time I hear Sephiroth’s voice, I get upset it’s not Lance Bass. During the fight, Ol’ Sephy gives off edgy AF one liners as they fight through the ruined Midgar. He also gives his plan; to clog up the Lifestream with Geostigmaed souls, which would allow him to control the planet and travel through space doing exactly what his mother tried to do. Sephiroth keeps the upper hand until Cloud throws off his edge and claims he cherishes everything. His sword turns in to eight swords, and a modified Omnislash takes his master down. Sephiroth claims he will never be a Memory and returns to Kadaj. He tries to keep fighting, bit flails. It isn’t until the voice of Aerith echoes through to him where he gives up and turns in to dust. The rest of the party looks on and celebrate in a fun fashion.

Out of the shining glory, a gunshot is heard as we see a mark go through Cloud, indicating he got shot. The other two wannabes didn’t die, nor did the Turks. It also shows that it was Elena and Taeng who saved Rufus during the celebration scenes.

A wounded Cloud runs toward the remaining remnants, who blow everyone up. Cloud, surround by whiteness, is all alone until a hand is placed on his forehead and Aerith’s theme plays. He mistakenly calls out for his mother, to which Aerith asks why everyone keeps calling her that. There’s a male voice in the background telling Cloud he doesn’t belong here. He’s back alone in the white void, and the Buster Swords wolf friend shows up, only to be replaced by a group of kids in the waters of the church. A real baptism moment. Red has his first speaking lines of the whole movie, reminding everyone that not everyone is cured yet, so Cloud invites everyone who hasn't been cured yet to join the pool party. Prooving, once again, Aerith is the main character of Final Fantasy VII, and nothing gets done without her.

He looks out one last time and sees Aerith walking away as Zack gives a nonchalant wave farewell. I get a little weepy, not gonna lie. The last words are Cloud saying, “I’m not alone. Not anymore.” And the credits roll.

I don’t know why Advent Children was made. It wasn’t that good, but it didn’t add anything to the story. I’m not a fan of when old, dead characters keep reappearing, and this entire movie is about Sephiroth. He’s dead; let him lay. It’s nice that it gives some real closure which the game didn’t do, so I guess there’s that.

I found the fight scenes to be WAY over the top and a bit nonce. In the Bahamut fight, why did everyone need to throw Cloud up when, in the Sephiroth fight, he’s capable of flight? I’m not a fan of over the top action, I’m not even big on action, full stop, in my movies, and I'm all about story.

The story was fine. It doesn’t damage VII proper, and it doesn’t ruin itself here. Sephiroth comes back, infects people to clog up the Lifestream, and uses random clones or something as a vessel. Not world-altering, not franchise ending, either. Overall, I thought it was a perfectly fine movie. It’s not something I plan to rewatch again, at least not the original (I hear the Complete/Director’s Cut is better, even if it’s got more action). I felt like there some missing scenes because of how often people moved across the world, and I think the scene where Aerith “forgives” Cloud wasn't a big deal. Cloud’s guilt wasn’t even a big deal.  Both of those should be more impactful, and I hope that was fixed. I also didn't like how The Turks were comedic relief. I still hate Reno. He shouldn't be a joke, he should be in jail.  Ultimately, any form of entertainment that gets me welling up will always be something I suggest, at least once. It won’t ruin your night, but won’t make for great memories. Can you tell I’m lukewarm on this movie?

Also, I looked into it, there’s only one side movie, so I’m skipping that one to review, so there go my plans for tomorrow. Look out for my One The Way to A Smile review in three years!

I somehow ended making over 2000 words over something that didn't need to be over 2000 words, so forgive my sloppy editing.