I've been in an...unfortunate mood for the last few days, and, for whatever reason, decided to think about all the opportunities where Lucy could have left my life. That I could remember (so not counting all the innumerable times when infants destroy things);
There was the time when I was ~3, and I burned her with a blow dryer that left a scar. What if my mom/grandma (it was one of them) decided not to try to sew it up (or whatever it was she did).
In kindergarten, we went to visit my great-grantparents in Ohio, and I forgot her there. What if my grandparents didn't think anything of her (and the other seven I left because kindergartners can't be trusted)? What if my parents never made the call to ask them to mail them back?
I had lice in third grade, so we had to put her and all my other stuffed animals in a bag to kill the pests. At some point that year, Central School had a "Dog Days" thing where they encouraged us to bring in canine paraphernalia. Some people whore shirts with dogs on them, but I got Lucy out of the bag and brought her to learn with me. What if the school never had that, as far as I can remember, random celebration? What if I didn't feel like celebrating? What if I forgot about her?
In fourth grade, she fell into my trash can and went missing for a week. What if I didn't think, "Maybe she's in my trash, and I should look"? And, yes, my mom cleaned her, so all that came from it was Lulu getting a mild case of claustrophobia.
In high school...I was a high school dude still sleeping with stuffed animals. What if I finally decided that I was too old? What if my friends acted like they always did and made fun of me? What if I caved to peer pressure?
In college, I was a college dude still sleeping with stuffed animals.
What if I didn't bring her to Utah with me? I'm sure all of my roommates thought it was perfectly normal of this Heroin Jesus looking dude to sleep with two to six stuffed animals. What if one was a terrible person? What if one pulled a prank that went horribly awry?
If I left her in Ottawa, would she still be here? Would my mom have made the "too old for stuffed animals" decision for me? Would I even care or remember when I came back?
What if I were a normal, sane person who didn't rely on a stuffed dalmatian to supply all of my mental health needs? If I were a normal, sane person and followed the course of human procreation, would I have given Lucy to protect my child? The answer is yes, of course, but how would I react when I had to relive all of these events through the eyes of a parent? Although, if I were a normal, sane person, would I have the deep connection I claim to have with Lucy?
I started to seek comfort in Lucy shortly after High School, the time when my depression became unbearable. She was the only thing around and could help get through the abyss. I've never felt close to my family, and my friends were busy with their own lives. Meanwhile, I was unable to start a life. Anxiety, depression, a bad job market bought by the 2009 recession, and being in the middle of nowhere made it hard to find employment. And even then, there's more to life than money and work. Would I have been happy with a minimum wage gig? Doubtful. So Lulu was the only one to help me live. It was mostly just me wrapping my arms around her just to feel something. When kids are scared and alone, they go to their teddy bear. When adults are scared and alone, they go to their dalmatian, I guess.
After my second suicide attempt in 2012, I got closer and dove into the crazy. I started talking about Lucy more in public and acting like she was a real person. A part of me hopes I continue to embrace the crazy and go wherever it takes me.
Which leads me to wonder, would I even be around without her? Would I be dead? How the hell would I have managed through this apocalypse without her? I'm just as alone now as I was a decade ago, but I'm significantly less likely to jump off a bridge now. Life isn't perfect, and we need to find whatever light in the darkness we can. For me, that gloriously incandescent light is Lucy.
I could go on with a love letter to a stuffed animal, but it's 7AM, which is past my bedtime. So goodnight.
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