The best 5 out of 10 game.

What happens when you mix Fallout, Xenogears, and Dragon Quest, but it’s wrapped in the cloak of 1995? Metal Max Returns! 

The remake of the NES’ Metal Max remains an open world, post apocalyptic, life simulator JRPG with no real plot or characterization. The world is yours, assuming you can get there. And that’s the only real blockade in your path of being a hunter. And your lack of a tank at the start. To say nothing of your dad kicking you out of the house…

Travel the ruined world, dispatching outlaws and weirdos along the way, exploring what remains, finding new friends, and maybe even discovering remnants of the old world. Buuuuuut, if you ever want to, you can come home whenever you want and end this journey. Surely, your dad won’t hold a grudge? 

Why is this review so weird? BECAUSE NOTHING HAPPENS IN THIS GAME!!!

Metal Max Returns can be a lot of fun, but you need the right mindset. Everything happens because you set it off, but everything is also optional. The other two characters? Not important. Gathering tanks, hunting criminals, walking through destroyed skyscrapers? Only if you want to. You’re able to get to the final dungeon instantly, presuming you know the map and the proper paths. The concept is tremendous, but that’s all it is. You’re a silent protagonist just living his own dream. The game even ends whenever you want it to; you just have to apologize to your dad. Does that come after your first death, your first kill, or when you take out the strongest foe? That’s the only story here. 2/10

Gameplay is where it’s at. You take your tank and customize it however you want. Flamethrower and armor piercing cannons, or a group barrage fitted alongside something that shoots lightning? You’ll need to upgrade your engine to carry all that weight, but it’s doable. You also have to do that for the characters themselves. Hell, I’m wondering if it’s possible to totally askew tanks and go it all on foot? Probably not, but if you’re good enough… Along the way are a handful of minigames, if you want to seek them out, along with ancient tech to help you out. Apparently, you can find New Vegas’ Euclid’s C Finder somewhere. 8/10

The music might be the best part. It’s shockingly upbeat, but in a way that compels even me forward into the dangerous world we now live in. There is plenty of variety despite being only forty five minutes long. The biggest problem is tied to the lack of story. There’s one sad song because there is no reason to be sad. It hinders the variety and mood. 8/10

The artwork is problematic. Since we’re all tanks shooting at each other, most of the animations are bullet storms or shell launchers. Occasionally, you’ll see something like a Tesla Arc, or the enemy will have a cool, unique animation, but the game is usually kinda bland. And the excessive pallet swaps and dungeon tileset reuse help the visual monotony. There is one rad cutscene, though. 6/10

The charm is also muted by there being zero story. The cities often interconnect in some way to form a larger subplot, and the single main NPC gets a rollercoaster of an experience, but I found myself asking “why am I doing this” too often. 6/10

Sadly, inventory management rears its ugly head too frequently. Equipment doesn’t fill up item slots, thankfully, but the game throws stuff at you to fill up your backpack. And the lack of in game help tooltip to explain what this is is damning even further. Will this small rock help me somewhere like MMR is a secret adventure game, or am I just having a lark? -2

Metal Max Returns is a faithful remaster of a regular Nintendo game. And it shows. Get ready to menu your way through twenty hours. There is no reason games need a separate button to talk to people and inspect something. And a talk button being the cancel button is asking to repeat dialogue. -2

I think I liked Metal Max Returns. The mid game difficulty can be a wall, and the lack of anything to sink your teeth into makes me think I won’t be finishing it, though. I’m just…why am I doing all this? For the thrill of adventure? That’s rad and all, but give me some stakes. Dying isn’t even punishment. You just end up back at home, in the lab of a necromancer… I just want more out of a game. 26/50. Probably the best pallet cleanser between longer RPGs.