The worst game of all time.

If I had readers, this might not go over well. 

Several months ago, a massive collaboration was announced between two giants of their respective media. It had been in development for several years, even predating the most recent experience of one of the two coconspirators. I had no experience with one of them, but the other was a core component of my personality, so I had to give it a try. And that was a mistake. 


I'm talking about the Final Fantasy and Magic The Gathering crossover.

So I downloaded MTG Arena in March. I played it for a few days but put it down shortly after. The way most of my opponents play made the game frustrating and unfun. But I was desperate for Final Fantasy content, and spoilers started around this time. I was curious, so I went back. Four months later, and I'm finally done with this cancer. 

The vast majority of my opponents play what veterans call Control. But I'll keep calling them conTroll. This involves instantly killing everything you try to play. Occasionally, they bother doing something different, but that's their primary action. This wouldn't be so bad if that's all they could do, but removal is ridiculously cheap. One opponent, mono black, once killed one of my creatures, cast one of their own, killed a second of mine, while simultaneously killing what they just cast, and finally played a second creature. 

Wow! I'm having fun! 

Another recent conTroll user, a blue/white, used eleven board wipes, spells that kill every creature on the board. What's the point of playing against or with that? They never had a win con, but I only won because they're stupid and can't read "indestructible." Knights of the Round, baby!

Wow! I'm having fun! 

And then there are red users who just spam Shock all day. Blues who load up on twenty counter spells while s l o w l y getting their nonsense out, spamming the same boring two cards all game. 

I'm not having fun! 

And then there are mill decks, which force you to throw your deck into the bin. 

I've been told there are two prominent decks. One is red aggro builds that pump out and up as many creatures as they can, as fast as they can. The other is black graveyard revivals. Red is at least fast and lets me pretend I played a game, so I don't mind them, but the revivals make me realize how pointless this game is. I killed that big, scary guy and can now do something! Oh, wait, it's back and even stronger... Or it's a 9/9 god on turn three...

And there are so many people who play this game who read at a first grade level. I'm proud that they're trying, but they slow the game down so much that I can't play even if they let me. 

At the end of the day, it's not the zero story in Arena. It isn't the unimportance of the music. It isn't even the bugs that make me want to stop, although that was the final straw for me. No, it's just the fact this game isn't fun. It isn't designed to be fun. There are so many cards that ruin the experience. Laughing Jester Flint and other heist decks that steal your deck. Discard decks that combine insta kill and mill. Unstoppable Slasher, a creature with deathtouch, borderline immortality, and halves your HP if they reach you. Cards that explicitly say "you cannot lose the game, and your opponent cannot win," some of which are impossible to remove. The combination of Nine Lives and Solemnity makes a player immortal. Chandra land destruction nonsense. And those aren't even the meta decks. 

And this doesn't even include stuff like flooding out, getting creature screwed, or terrible initial hands - multiple times. I should expect stuff like that from an RNG based deck building game. 

And even without those above mentions, decks without those are still boring. Most of my wins or losses are snowballed from turn four or five. Unless I'm against a surprise Troll deck, I usually know if I've won at turn five. I also usually know when I've lost by then, too. Rarely are games competitive, adding to the tedium and boredom. 

In short, there is no story (0)
It's addicting for terrible people, but at least MTG can claim to be the first of its kind (3)
The sound is not important (4). 
The art is plentiful (7). 
The charm is soul sucking (0). 

It's the tedium of sludging through the same decks. Suffering through so much downtime with terrible mulligan rules and ropers. Battling through the bugs like connection issues and download issues, as well as the ever increasing load times. Terrible GUI instances keep popping up as well. And the fact is, if you're not using the twelve or so meta cards, you're gonna have a rougher time. Casual nonsense drags you down.

All that makes Magic the Gathering: Arena a -5/50. That's right, a negative final. I didn't think it was possible, but 4000 games of this made me realize that the general belief about Magic players might be on point. Go take a shower and get a better diet. Especially if you play mono black. I was two cards away from finishing the Final Fantasy set, but a download bug shut me down. I'm a bit bummed, but I'm not upset.