I don't know what about her draws me in, but I first joked about enjoying Taylor Swift's music in 2011, my first year at college. Thanks, Zakk. I didn't follow her career religiously, but I had her YouTube videos playing pretty regularly during the summer of (I wanna say) 2013. She was my soundtrack to DMC: Devil May Cry. And then I went cold turkey and forgot about her. A few years later, though, Style dropped, and I was back. And then I forgot again. Alas, Midnights released, and Spotify made me listen to it because it wouldn't obey my auto play rule. Thanks, Spotify. Midnights was my third (or fourth) favorite album of 2022. A year and a half later, and the future Mrs. Kelce has graced us with the Tortured Poets Department. I used to be a tortured poet, so I'm excited!
YouTube Music plays an as for the Eras tour...
Track one was the first single of TPD, but it came out the same time the album did, so what's it matter? "Fortnight" has Post Malone on it, but he doesn't do anything for me. An 80's synth bop plays in the background as Swift sings about an old friend who ended up becoming her neighbor. And then it gets weird. The friend's wife likes to water the flowers, but "I wanna kill her." Huh!? This setting causes her a lot of grief, but I get the feeling this isn't as biographical as most of her songs. The lyrics mention her husband, but Swift hasn't been married. I like songs that tell fantastical stories, so it's not a big deal. This is a bit more mundane, though. At least until it turns into an almost murder mystery at the end, so I'm sure it works for some. The aforementioned Post Malone wrote much of this song, so it sounds like this feeling was the goal.
An ad for the Eras Tour Plays.
The title track is song two. The Tortured Poets Department is about a typewriter. The first part is hilarious as it's about the absurdity of people still using a typewriter these days. The next bit carries into her (once) terrible taste in men and one's "self sabotaging" antics. But Swift likes it. He got high, ate a lot of chocolate, and they bonded over Charlie Puth before he passed out to Swift, petting him "like a tattooed golden retriever." More lyrics about how he sucks, referencing Dylon Thomas and Patti Smith, emotional abuse, and a lot of swearing. I don't know who Joe Alwyn is, but I don't like him. More 80's lite-goth music can't save him.
An ad for the Eras Tour plays...
"My Boy Only Breaks His Favorite Toys" is another song about Swift's terrible taste in men. He abused her, but she eventually got smart toward it at the very end. I don't follow her love life unless it's about my first round fantasy draft pick, so I don't know who this is about. But it's the type of song everything thinks Swift writes. All of this is backed by a sad synth beat that's been run through a lot of reverb. Kinda boring.
An ad for the Eras tour plays.
"Down Bad" is another synth bop, but this one has swearing. But it's still about an abusive relationship...
An ad for this very album plays.
"So Long, London" is a bit more peppier than the other songs, but it's still a bit of a downer. The lyrics are, you guessed it, about a relationship that didn't work out. Swifties' love of Easter eggs makes everyone think this is about Alwyn again. The most notable thing about this track is her vocal delivery. It's a Shakespearean ballad in how she peaks and valleys her syllables. It's somehow enchanting but gets real old real fast.
An ad for the Eras tour plays...
I hope "But Daddy I Love Him" is based on her teenage years. I say that because the chorus is about running off and pretending her boyfriend got her pregnant, only to reveal it was a joke to piss off her dad. I can see a child being stupid with that logic, but Swift is currently a billionaire in her thirties, so why would dear old dad be upset? Sure, he was strict, but it's acceptable to procreate in your thirties... The musical portions even give off vintage Swift, but it's still a downer. Fans seem to think this is a response to dating Matt Healy. I don't know who that is, but I've read people hate him.
Guess what ad just played?
The "slammer" part in "Fresh Our of The Slammer" probably isn't prison. But it might have felt like it to her. I have to assume it's media related, but I don't know Jack. Swift "did [her] time" for something but is back on the mend because of love. It's sorta cute but kinda cringe, just like the synth beat we've already heard.
"In the middle of the night...in my dreams!"
Rockers Florence and the Machine make their second biggest song as a side piece (behind Final Fantasy XV) with "Florida!!!" It's a surprisingly fun song about how Florida is where you can go to escape your past. Florence killed a man and now lives there! It goes on a little long, and it would be better if it was isolated more in an album. That sad synth keeps running songs, so "Florida!!!" is lost in the scruff.
Another ad for the thing I'm already here for...
I'm so sick of sad drum beats and failed relationships. "Guilty as Sin?" is about a love that was fun, but it didn't go far physically. It doesn't mock Christianity; it mocks people who abuse others in the name of god. There SHOULD be a difference.
And another.
Taylor, you have a beautiful voice, but it's okay to allow more instruments to play behind you. Band geeks might love this John Williams action scene score, but I'm bored and want some pep in this CD. At least the lyrics in "Who's Afraid of Little Ol' Me" are more interesting. It's about her feelings with the media and how they treat her like a villain for no reason. It's another song that could be a banger on a different album.
[Disney logo]
"I Can Fix Him (No Really I Can)" isn't. Taylor's in love with a loser, but he has his merits. The last line of the song is her admitting he sucks.
...
This is not about the guitarist of Black Sabbath. "Ioml" is much of the same. At least the sad synth beat is gone. It's been replaced by a depressing piano.
"My name is Taylor..."
We've finally reached an upbeat song! "I Can Do it With a Broken Heart" details her experiences through a tumultuous love life, all while being the biggest star in the world. The middle portions are something I can see being played at an EDM show. I'm just glad for something new, and I'm just gonna let this praise hang around.
After this ad, of course...
You know what "The Smallest Girl Who Ever Lived" is about.
WALMART!!!?
Travis! Your girlfriend wrote a song about how cool you are. It's called "The Alchemy," but that stupid synth beat is still here, so keep your stuff packed.
WTF? No ads!?!?
Clara Bow is an actress from the silent film era and one of the first sex symbols. She was quite attractive. But Taylor Swift uses her as a metaphor for her own life. From the small town she grew up in, where everyone was "mean," to a person who drives economies like Dethklok. She also compares herself to Stevie Nicks before comparing herself to herself at the end. The song is a pretty good endpoint for the album, which Swift "needed" to write for herself. It puts a cap on this part of her career as it looks back at everywhere she's been. That damned sad synth is still ever present, but there are some happy vibes going on in the background. I'm just glad it's over.
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Skill) Swift has a beautiful voice, but everything else is so electronic and soulless. 1/2
Variation) Nope. 0/2
Bangers) There could be a few if they were on a different album, but everything is so boring on this one. Nothing sticks out, and it's all the same. 0/2
Replayability) It's one song. No. 0/2
Extras) It's sixteen songs, clocking in at just over an hour, further iterating how bland everything is. But it's ultimately fine. It allowed me to level up in DQVII. I have mixed feelings about if the concept works, but I'll give it the point for a reason I'll get into in a moment. 2/2
Total: 3/10
Yowie wowie! Look, this album isn't for me. Both because I'm a middle aged man and because I'm not Taylor Swift. It's an album just for her - not even her fans, but I'm sure many can get something out of this. Swift said this an album she needed to make, so consider this her version of Metallica's Load. And I have no problem with that. Everyone is owed some form of catharsis in their life.
But I hope this signals the end of an era for Taylor. The last twenty years of her life can be summed up in this album. Broken hearts, big wallets, and a new first round IRL draft pick. I'm not saying she will or has to get a new muse, but we're all getting older. People grow, people learn, and I'm still excited for Taylor Swift's next album. No matter when it comes out.
Twenty six hours before pushing this update, Swift announced The Anthology version of Tortured Poets Department. It has double the songs, and I'll review them later. If they're worthwhile, then expect a mini review. If not, then...
It wasn't.
