If I were ten years younger...

In the middle of a global pandemic, where depression rates have gone up, I sometimes wonder about how Dark Aged me would be handling this lockdown. I’ve alluded to this period in my life a few times in these writings, especially while playing Legend of Dragoon. It was the most depressed I’ve ever been in the two to four years after high school.

I was all alone; not even my dog didn’t wanted to be around me. All my friends were doing their things: work, school, relationships. My family, while always combative, seemed to consider me less a son than a cancerous rat. I was unemployed. I hadn’t even gone insane and fell in love with my stuffed animal yet. I was truly all alone. All I was doing was writing terrible poems, playing video games I don’t remember, and watching sad anime. I made a suicide pack I never followed through on, and it was just a terrible time to be alive. One I’m still dealing with the effects of.

It’s, honestly, a lot like it is now. However, I’m actually feeling rather cool these days. Maybe it’s because I have a good excuse and simply aren’t a total failure, but I’m not having any of the social deprivation problems I had. I’m, mostly, happy, active, and, until recently, kinda hopeful.

I have some contact with friends via the evil social media and phones. Youtube is a thing, and, while not being an active participant, conversations between friends are oddly welcoming. Spotify has a constant stream of new and good music and podcasts. I’m eating better and moving more. I’m avoiding my family by sleeping through the day. Lucy is cute, soft, wonderful, and keeps me alive. I wish I was still writing poems or something, but what can ya do?

Honestly, I’m kinda regretting the vaccine development. If the world goes back to normal, what’s gonna happen to me? It’s for selfish reasons, and I still want to get it. I know my feelings here are wrong, and I do want the world to go back to normal. I can’t wait to Smash my friends with Sephiroth, Cloud, Greninja, Inkling, Simon, and Rosalina. Please ignore my terrible reasoning that not even I believe in.

Like, my life still sucks for all the same reasons. I’m probably even worse off, considering I wasn't in thousands of dollars of student loan debt AND have wasted ten years of my life. Why am I happy!?

I don’t know how to answer this, and this whole update was a complete waste of time. It’s just something I’ve thought about for a while and wanted to jot things down. Maybe I’ll update this, maybe I won’t. I was re-editing some old stuff over the last few days, and it's was delaying the start of a new game. I'm done now, so all is set to play Trails of Mana (SNES) on Monday.